ATTENTION HUMANS:
Lately, I have been having difficulty with the space time continuum.
The problem is with Internet website Google. Usually I love Google. I use it for everything, recipes, directions, whether or not a movie is good. I use it to find out if my roommate has correct information, or if she is just making things up. It is usually the later. For example, Adam West is a real person, not just a fictional character on Family Guy.
However, the way Google presents news articles is completely unacceptable. When you Google a news item, articles come up that are old, sometimes very old. I don't always notice the year the article is dated. And I don't always remember year it is right now. This can cause a lot of confusion! Sometimes I read an article about a great sale going on, then when I show up at the store I find out they've been out of business for seven years. This happens more often than you might think, because the same article keeps coming up on searches for sales on novelty candle holders, and the local novelty candle holder store closed down seven years ago.
This also makes it difficult to understand recent history. I have been living in the United States since coming to Earth, and have been trying to catch up on its situation. But since I haven't been reading news articles in the correct order I had a completely inaccurate understanding of what has been going on! I thought the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico happened before Hurricane Katrina. In fact I thought it was the cause. I thought that's why everyone is so worried about saving energy, so we don't spill anymore and cause another hurricane. I have been recycling for nothing!
I wish that someone would go through news archives and label all of the old articles. They could put a big warning label up top, "ATTENTION READERS: This article is more than a year old, and thus is probably no longer relevant to your daily life. Continue reading at your own risk!" This would save me a great deal of trouble!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Getting Better By Copying
ATTENTION HUMANS:
I have just made a startling revelation! There are other good blogs on the Internet besides just mine! I was amazed at what strong competition I have! On my planet, when we are challenged we assimilate. When the Spectalons beat us at The Galactic Bingo challenge, we started putting 9 in the top left corner, just like they did. When Alpha 6 started winning more karaoke contests than we did, we started singing David Bowie songs like they did.
For me, blogging will be no different. I will study these blogs, find their strengths, and absorb like there is no tomorrow! So far, I have noticed one similarity in many popular blogs. They call things out! They find something that is silly or stupid, and they point out how silly or stupid that thing is!
Perez Hilton runs a pretty popular blog where he calls out celebrities for saying stupid things, having failed careers, and being promiscuous in a sexual manner! He emphasizes his call outs by taking photographs of them, and inserting captions of his own design. Take that, celebrities! Of course, now Perez Hilton is a bit of a celebrity himself. I hope he calls himself out! That would be a post that could break the time space continuum!
I wonder if I should work on this blog breaking the time space continuum so I could do it before him. That sure would be one-upping, like when we stole the Spectalons bingo cards! Although the referee considered it more cheating than one-upping, but I think that was just an error in translation. Spectalon is a very confusing language.
Another blog famous for calling things out is Regretsy. Its creator finds the most ridiculous products for sale on Internet website Etsy.com, where creative types can sell their arts and crafts. I don't know the difference between arts and crafts, but Regretsy calls out both with equal ferocity!
One popular feature on Regretsy is "Things That Are Not Steampunk," where they call out items that claim to be steampunk, but in reality, are not steampunk. I could do a feature like that on this blog. I could call it "Things That Are Not a Telephone." I could post photos of things that are not telephones, and call them out for it.
That is not a telephone! Not even close!
Not even cakes are safe from being called out by bloggers. Internet blog Cake Wrecks calls out cakes for being ugly, inedible-looking, or misspelled. I was amazed how many humans cannot spell Congratulations! I too could call out inanimate objects. That would be a lot easier than calling out actual people, because they would not seek revenge. Alpha 6 took all the air out of our tires after we won karaoke using Space Oddity.
Therefore, hey! Eiffel Tower! 1889 called! It wants its Victorian Structural Expressionist style back!
Zing!
I think this is the start of something wonderful.
I have just made a startling revelation! There are other good blogs on the Internet besides just mine! I was amazed at what strong competition I have! On my planet, when we are challenged we assimilate. When the Spectalons beat us at The Galactic Bingo challenge, we started putting 9 in the top left corner, just like they did. When Alpha 6 started winning more karaoke contests than we did, we started singing David Bowie songs like they did.
For me, blogging will be no different. I will study these blogs, find their strengths, and absorb like there is no tomorrow! So far, I have noticed one similarity in many popular blogs. They call things out! They find something that is silly or stupid, and they point out how silly or stupid that thing is!
Perez Hilton runs a pretty popular blog where he calls out celebrities for saying stupid things, having failed careers, and being promiscuous in a sexual manner! He emphasizes his call outs by taking photographs of them, and inserting captions of his own design. Take that, celebrities! Of course, now Perez Hilton is a bit of a celebrity himself. I hope he calls himself out! That would be a post that could break the time space continuum!
I wonder if I should work on this blog breaking the time space continuum so I could do it before him. That sure would be one-upping, like when we stole the Spectalons bingo cards! Although the referee considered it more cheating than one-upping, but I think that was just an error in translation. Spectalon is a very confusing language.
Another blog famous for calling things out is Regretsy. Its creator finds the most ridiculous products for sale on Internet website Etsy.com, where creative types can sell their arts and crafts. I don't know the difference between arts and crafts, but Regretsy calls out both with equal ferocity!
One popular feature on Regretsy is "Things That Are Not Steampunk," where they call out items that claim to be steampunk, but in reality, are not steampunk. I could do a feature like that on this blog. I could call it "Things That Are Not a Telephone." I could post photos of things that are not telephones, and call them out for it.
That is not a telephone! Not even close!
Not even cakes are safe from being called out by bloggers. Internet blog Cake Wrecks calls out cakes for being ugly, inedible-looking, or misspelled. I was amazed how many humans cannot spell Congratulations! I too could call out inanimate objects. That would be a lot easier than calling out actual people, because they would not seek revenge. Alpha 6 took all the air out of our tires after we won karaoke using Space Oddity.
Therefore, hey! Eiffel Tower! 1889 called! It wants its Victorian Structural Expressionist style back!
Zing!
I think this is the start of something wonderful.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Internet Website eBay: Destroying One Dream at a Time
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Like everyone else online, I have long known of the existence of Internet Website eBay, and even used it once or twice. But until now I had not realized just how much you can buy on eBay! Anything in existence, literally anything at all, can be purchased on this strange and wonderful website.
I recently discovered this due to an incident involving my roommate and her gentleman of choice. She is currently in a long-distance relationship with a rather undesirable young gentleman who often misses their Skype dates to play World of Warcraft. The pair recently had a fight, in which she told all of his internet friends that his World of Warcraft character, though female, was being played by a male. Apparently many of his internet friends had given him virtual items in World of Warcraft under the belief that they were giving them to a real life female human. This part of the story was surprising to me, because in the part of Earth that I reside I see female humans all the time. Perhaps in other locations they are more rare.
To make it up to him, my roommate wanted to buy him a present. So she went to eBay, and purchased items that he can use in this computer game using real, American money. This surprised me even more, because I have only ever bought items that actually exist. I have never bought a pretend loaf of bread, or a theoretical train ticket. But on e-bay, the make believe is completely accessible!
You can buy all sorts of strange things on eBay, from old tissues, to used ink cartridges, to outdated computers. I have never seen such items for sale in stores, and, in all honesty, can not even begin to understand why a human would want to purchase one. What use is a computer that cannot go as fast as a computer you can buy in a store? Humans are very strange!
E-bay is also a good way to verify if an item exists. Since eBay even carries made up items, if you cannot find something on eBay then it most certainly does not exist, even in anyone's mind! For example, when I search for "real live unicorns" (using quotes of course), I get no results. Therefore, unicorns do not exist. Sorry unicorn lovers, but your hunt for the unknown has just come to an abrupt end. However, when I search "fire-breathing dragons" I do get some results, so maybe you would have better luck there. I also find no results for "tasty meal that won't make me gain weight", so don't believe those fad diets that tell you it is possible! eBay sees through their lies!
Unfortunately, when I search for "boyfriend for my roommate that won't make her complain to me all the time", I do not get any results. I suppose this means I will just have to get used to waking up at three in the morning to the sound of her watching "Love Actually" and sobbing madly. Such is life. I was a little more disappointed that "...and maybe someone for me as well. No one smelly" did not receive any search results. It looks like my options in life are either loneliness or unpleasant odors.
eBay tells it like it is, regardless of your feelings.
Like everyone else online, I have long known of the existence of Internet Website eBay, and even used it once or twice. But until now I had not realized just how much you can buy on eBay! Anything in existence, literally anything at all, can be purchased on this strange and wonderful website.
I recently discovered this due to an incident involving my roommate and her gentleman of choice. She is currently in a long-distance relationship with a rather undesirable young gentleman who often misses their Skype dates to play World of Warcraft. The pair recently had a fight, in which she told all of his internet friends that his World of Warcraft character, though female, was being played by a male. Apparently many of his internet friends had given him virtual items in World of Warcraft under the belief that they were giving them to a real life female human. This part of the story was surprising to me, because in the part of Earth that I reside I see female humans all the time. Perhaps in other locations they are more rare.
To make it up to him, my roommate wanted to buy him a present. So she went to eBay, and purchased items that he can use in this computer game using real, American money. This surprised me even more, because I have only ever bought items that actually exist. I have never bought a pretend loaf of bread, or a theoretical train ticket. But on e-bay, the make believe is completely accessible!
You can buy all sorts of strange things on eBay, from old tissues, to used ink cartridges, to outdated computers. I have never seen such items for sale in stores, and, in all honesty, can not even begin to understand why a human would want to purchase one. What use is a computer that cannot go as fast as a computer you can buy in a store? Humans are very strange!
E-bay is also a good way to verify if an item exists. Since eBay even carries made up items, if you cannot find something on eBay then it most certainly does not exist, even in anyone's mind! For example, when I search for "real live unicorns" (using quotes of course), I get no results. Therefore, unicorns do not exist. Sorry unicorn lovers, but your hunt for the unknown has just come to an abrupt end. However, when I search "fire-breathing dragons" I do get some results, so maybe you would have better luck there. I also find no results for "tasty meal that won't make me gain weight", so don't believe those fad diets that tell you it is possible! eBay sees through their lies!
Unfortunately, when I search for "boyfriend for my roommate that won't make her complain to me all the time", I do not get any results. I suppose this means I will just have to get used to waking up at three in the morning to the sound of her watching "Love Actually" and sobbing madly. Such is life. I was a little more disappointed that "...and maybe someone for me as well. No one smelly" did not receive any search results. It looks like my options in life are either loneliness or unpleasant odors.
eBay tells it like it is, regardless of your feelings.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Standing Up for the Internet!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
This coming November many decisions will be made. Not only do humans have to decide when to start wearing their heavy winter coats, but for those living in the United States, they also must decide which politicians will run their government. This November many United Statesian senators, representatives and governors will have to convince other humans that they are neither corrupt, incompetent, or criminals. To help highlight their usefulness, politicians are drawing attention to their views on big issues. And one such big issue is the Internet.
Some politicians think that the Internet should be more regulated. Others think less. They are constantly poling the voting public to see what they think, but most politicians ignore a very important opinion. They pay little if any attention to what the Internet itself thinks of being more regulated. This is a huge mistake!
As we have seen before the Internet is not in a good place, emotionally speaking. Unfortunately, the Internet, much like trees, cannot speak for itself. Unlike trees, the Internet has no Lorax to speak for it. I have recently been reading a lot of Dr. Seux. The Lorax taught me a lot about Earth politics! I never knew political debate had such a tight rhyme scheme on Earth!
Though I am not poetic enough to formulate a proper Earth argument, I put forth the idea that the Internet ought to have someone to stand up for it in political issues. Someone who understands the Internet inside and out. Someone who will not be easily swayed by what is best for humans. Someone who runs a blog that helps humans everywhere better understand the Internet.
If it seems to you that the only person qualified for such a job would be me, then you have come to the same conclusion I have. I would be a perfect Internet representative! According to my research, many United Statesian humans are worried that their politicians are too entrenched in "the system", whatever that is. I am not entrenched in anything! I barely know anyone! I recently joined Netflix, but I promise never to be swayed by their promises of as many movies and television shows that I can watch. I also have a lot of free time to devote to the many political meetings I would be required to attend, which is actually why I signed up for Netflix in the first place. So if you were to elect me as Internet representative, I might not even need Netflix anymore!
So this November, I encourage you to vote for Kazara, for Internet representative extraordinaire! I won't be listed as an option, but feel free to write my name and title in at the bottom of your ballot. I understand that is how it works in the United States! And to readers from other countries, feel free to elect me as Internet representative extraordinaire in your country too! I have plenty of knowledge for everyone. I am sure it will not be a conflict of interest to hold the same title in multiple countries. I'm sure that if this was an issue, The Lorax would have mentioned it!
This coming November many decisions will be made. Not only do humans have to decide when to start wearing their heavy winter coats, but for those living in the United States, they also must decide which politicians will run their government. This November many United Statesian senators, representatives and governors will have to convince other humans that they are neither corrupt, incompetent, or criminals. To help highlight their usefulness, politicians are drawing attention to their views on big issues. And one such big issue is the Internet.
Some politicians think that the Internet should be more regulated. Others think less. They are constantly poling the voting public to see what they think, but most politicians ignore a very important opinion. They pay little if any attention to what the Internet itself thinks of being more regulated. This is a huge mistake!
As we have seen before the Internet is not in a good place, emotionally speaking. Unfortunately, the Internet, much like trees, cannot speak for itself. Unlike trees, the Internet has no Lorax to speak for it. I have recently been reading a lot of Dr. Seux. The Lorax taught me a lot about Earth politics! I never knew political debate had such a tight rhyme scheme on Earth!
Though I am not poetic enough to formulate a proper Earth argument, I put forth the idea that the Internet ought to have someone to stand up for it in political issues. Someone who understands the Internet inside and out. Someone who will not be easily swayed by what is best for humans. Someone who runs a blog that helps humans everywhere better understand the Internet.
If it seems to you that the only person qualified for such a job would be me, then you have come to the same conclusion I have. I would be a perfect Internet representative! According to my research, many United Statesian humans are worried that their politicians are too entrenched in "the system", whatever that is. I am not entrenched in anything! I barely know anyone! I recently joined Netflix, but I promise never to be swayed by their promises of as many movies and television shows that I can watch. I also have a lot of free time to devote to the many political meetings I would be required to attend, which is actually why I signed up for Netflix in the first place. So if you were to elect me as Internet representative, I might not even need Netflix anymore!
So this November, I encourage you to vote for Kazara, for Internet representative extraordinaire! I won't be listed as an option, but feel free to write my name and title in at the bottom of your ballot. I understand that is how it works in the United States! And to readers from other countries, feel free to elect me as Internet representative extraordinaire in your country too! I have plenty of knowledge for everyone. I am sure it will not be a conflict of interest to hold the same title in multiple countries. I'm sure that if this was an issue, The Lorax would have mentioned it!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Halloween Internet Fun!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
According to my human calendar, one of your major feast days is quickly approaching! I am of course, talking about Halloween, when humans don costumes and masks and demand sugary treats of their friends, neighbors, and total strangers. This will be my first Halloween, and I am very much looking forward to it! Holidays are very different on my planet. They are not on the same day every year, so part of the fun is figuring out which day it will happen. There's a rather complicated mathematical formula, and that changes every other year, so if you want to have a nice holiday you need to stay vigilante. Your Earth Holidays are much easier to observe!
Like everything else, the Internet can greatly increase your enjoyment of Halloween. Many people are becoming increasingly concerned about trick-or-treating-related dangers, such as finding razor blades in Snickers bars, or getting lost on an unfamiliar street. But using the Internet, you can go trick-or-treating without ever leaving your house!
Just like children go from house to house demanding treats, you can visit various retailers online to obtain coupons. Many retail stores and food brands have free printable coupons on their Internet websites. You can get great deals on products, then go to the store the next day to redeem them. That way it's like a two day holiday!
If you want a more adventurous Halloween, you can attempt to obtain treats from sources that do not advertise their availability. E-mail Internet website Amazon.com and ask for candy apples. E-mail Internet website Paypal.com and ask for candy corn. Paypal may not have any candy corn at their office, but you never know, especially at this time of year. And maybe they can offer you something even better. Like Reese's Pieces.
For an Internet appropriate costume, you have many options. You could purchase a costume from Internet websites like E-bay, or Iparty.com, or have one custom made on Internet website Etsy.com. You can then wear your costume while you sit at your computer e-trick-or-treating.
Or, if you want a costume that fellow Internet users can see without using a webcam you can use an alias. Find a picture on Google Images or Flickr of whatever you want to be for Halloween. Then join various forums and use that image as your avatar. You can also trick-or-treat from your fellow forums goers. You can also attach the image to your trick-or-treating e-mails with the caption "this is me!" This manner of costuming also does not limit you to costumes that can actually be created. You could use a photo of the Eiffel tower, or a helium particle. Halloween is no time to be limited by reality!
According to my human calendar, one of your major feast days is quickly approaching! I am of course, talking about Halloween, when humans don costumes and masks and demand sugary treats of their friends, neighbors, and total strangers. This will be my first Halloween, and I am very much looking forward to it! Holidays are very different on my planet. They are not on the same day every year, so part of the fun is figuring out which day it will happen. There's a rather complicated mathematical formula, and that changes every other year, so if you want to have a nice holiday you need to stay vigilante. Your Earth Holidays are much easier to observe!
Like everything else, the Internet can greatly increase your enjoyment of Halloween. Many people are becoming increasingly concerned about trick-or-treating-related dangers, such as finding razor blades in Snickers bars, or getting lost on an unfamiliar street. But using the Internet, you can go trick-or-treating without ever leaving your house!
Just like children go from house to house demanding treats, you can visit various retailers online to obtain coupons. Many retail stores and food brands have free printable coupons on their Internet websites. You can get great deals on products, then go to the store the next day to redeem them. That way it's like a two day holiday!
If you want a more adventurous Halloween, you can attempt to obtain treats from sources that do not advertise their availability. E-mail Internet website Amazon.com and ask for candy apples. E-mail Internet website Paypal.com and ask for candy corn. Paypal may not have any candy corn at their office, but you never know, especially at this time of year. And maybe they can offer you something even better. Like Reese's Pieces.
For an Internet appropriate costume, you have many options. You could purchase a costume from Internet websites like E-bay, or Iparty.com, or have one custom made on Internet website Etsy.com. You can then wear your costume while you sit at your computer e-trick-or-treating.
Or, if you want a costume that fellow Internet users can see without using a webcam you can use an alias. Find a picture on Google Images or Flickr of whatever you want to be for Halloween. Then join various forums and use that image as your avatar. You can also trick-or-treat from your fellow forums goers. You can also attach the image to your trick-or-treating e-mails with the caption "this is me!" This manner of costuming also does not limit you to costumes that can actually be created. You could use a photo of the Eiffel tower, or a helium particle. Halloween is no time to be limited by reality!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Even Your Dreams are Not Safe!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
I am always on the lookout for new scams to avoid. It helps keep my bank account safe, but it is also like a game. In many ways the Internet is a big game you can never quit, and scams just introduce new and exotic rules. Don't post your birth date anywhere! Never use your real name! It all adds to the fun!
But lately, I have been hearing about types of scams that are distinctly not fun. These are scams that do not go after victims' bank accounts, but their dreams. For instance, there are many fraudulent publishing companies that take advantage of aspiring writers' dreams of publication. I heard of another company that charges massive amounts of money to set victims up with websites they can run, and it claims they will become millionaires off of the advertising revenue. Instead of becoming millionaires, these poor aspiring rich people just wind up among the scores of under-appreciated website owners. Sure, these scammers do often wind up with their victims money, but their main concern appears to be destroying hopes and dreams.
On my planet we do not charge anything for dreams, anyone may have however many as they wish. But this does not seem to be the case on Earth, as so many scammers go after them with remarkable vigor! I hope my alien hopes are not even more valuable than Earth hopes. And I wonder if they go after the kind of dreams you have for the future, or the ones you have when you sleep as well. I would not mind if they took my bad dreams, or even the ones I can't remember, since so often those are more annoying than anything. But I have a good deal of dreams in my sleep that I like a great deal!
I am also worried about my hopes! Many of them are quite valuable to me! Lately I have been hoping to save up enough money to buy a blender and make delicious smoothies and shakes. I refuse to give that hope away! Unless it is for the price of a blender, in which case I will consider it, but only if the scammer promises to remind me to use the money to buy a blender. But seeing as the whole point of a scam is not to pay for the ill-gotten gains, I find this situation unlikely!
Many of these scams apparently existed before the Internet, but they have proliferated there extravagantly. This has me quite worried! Since I am on no official registries, these criminals cannot get to me by mail, and due to my appearance I am rarely approached on the street, but on the Internet my dreams and hopes are frighteningly vulnerable!
If anyone knows of any good ways of avoiding these hope-stealing monsters, please let me know. Also, if you hear of any good deals on blenders, I would be interested in those as well.
I am always on the lookout for new scams to avoid. It helps keep my bank account safe, but it is also like a game. In many ways the Internet is a big game you can never quit, and scams just introduce new and exotic rules. Don't post your birth date anywhere! Never use your real name! It all adds to the fun!
But lately, I have been hearing about types of scams that are distinctly not fun. These are scams that do not go after victims' bank accounts, but their dreams. For instance, there are many fraudulent publishing companies that take advantage of aspiring writers' dreams of publication. I heard of another company that charges massive amounts of money to set victims up with websites they can run, and it claims they will become millionaires off of the advertising revenue. Instead of becoming millionaires, these poor aspiring rich people just wind up among the scores of under-appreciated website owners. Sure, these scammers do often wind up with their victims money, but their main concern appears to be destroying hopes and dreams.
On my planet we do not charge anything for dreams, anyone may have however many as they wish. But this does not seem to be the case on Earth, as so many scammers go after them with remarkable vigor! I hope my alien hopes are not even more valuable than Earth hopes. And I wonder if they go after the kind of dreams you have for the future, or the ones you have when you sleep as well. I would not mind if they took my bad dreams, or even the ones I can't remember, since so often those are more annoying than anything. But I have a good deal of dreams in my sleep that I like a great deal!
I am also worried about my hopes! Many of them are quite valuable to me! Lately I have been hoping to save up enough money to buy a blender and make delicious smoothies and shakes. I refuse to give that hope away! Unless it is for the price of a blender, in which case I will consider it, but only if the scammer promises to remind me to use the money to buy a blender. But seeing as the whole point of a scam is not to pay for the ill-gotten gains, I find this situation unlikely!
Many of these scams apparently existed before the Internet, but they have proliferated there extravagantly. This has me quite worried! Since I am on no official registries, these criminals cannot get to me by mail, and due to my appearance I am rarely approached on the street, but on the Internet my dreams and hopes are frighteningly vulnerable!
If anyone knows of any good ways of avoiding these hope-stealing monsters, please let me know. Also, if you hear of any good deals on blenders, I would be interested in those as well.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Movies Are Not Always Factual
ATTENTION HUMANS:
If you are in possession of a television set, it is possible that you have seen commercials for the film "The Social Network." For those of you unlucky enough to possess such equipment, or own it but chose not to use it, "The Social Network" is about one of largest Internet websites, Facebook. It displays its creator as Mark Zuckerberg, a student of Harvard University with a dream in his heart and a tremendous amount of numbers in his brain. He uses this numerical knowledge to create a website where everyone can learn anything about anyone. Going about this is apparently very dramatic and scandalous, and makes Mark's best friend hate him.
What a string of lies! I have not seen this film, but from what I have seen on my television and read on Wikipedia, this movie has an extraordinary lack of truth! Perhaps Mark Zuckerberg went to Harvard. And maybe he lost his best friend. But he most certainly did not create Internet website Facebook!
That is simply not how websites are made. The Internet, as I have explained before, is a gelatinous substance in the Earth's core. This is where websites come from! They don't get made by nerdy Ivy League geniuses.
That's just silly.
I suppose it's a simpler explanation that a mysterious substance creating websites at random and for no apparent reason, but simple explanations are not always correct. It may also make humans feel more secure to think that websites are created by other humans, especially if they are made by well educated ones. Humans act on human-style motivations. Who knows what could motivate a gelatinous substance! Perhaps one day it will change everyone's Facebook status to "being a loser", or make every Google search turn up Wikipedia entries on 14th century politics.
Humans, I realize that you like to feel happy and safe. But you must understand that neither is the purpose of the Internet.
If you are in possession of a television set, it is possible that you have seen commercials for the film "The Social Network." For those of you unlucky enough to possess such equipment, or own it but chose not to use it, "The Social Network" is about one of largest Internet websites, Facebook. It displays its creator as Mark Zuckerberg, a student of Harvard University with a dream in his heart and a tremendous amount of numbers in his brain. He uses this numerical knowledge to create a website where everyone can learn anything about anyone. Going about this is apparently very dramatic and scandalous, and makes Mark's best friend hate him.
What a string of lies! I have not seen this film, but from what I have seen on my television and read on Wikipedia, this movie has an extraordinary lack of truth! Perhaps Mark Zuckerberg went to Harvard. And maybe he lost his best friend. But he most certainly did not create Internet website Facebook!
That is simply not how websites are made. The Internet, as I have explained before, is a gelatinous substance in the Earth's core. This is where websites come from! They don't get made by nerdy Ivy League geniuses.
That's just silly.
I suppose it's a simpler explanation that a mysterious substance creating websites at random and for no apparent reason, but simple explanations are not always correct. It may also make humans feel more secure to think that websites are created by other humans, especially if they are made by well educated ones. Humans act on human-style motivations. Who knows what could motivate a gelatinous substance! Perhaps one day it will change everyone's Facebook status to "being a loser", or make every Google search turn up Wikipedia entries on 14th century politics.
Humans, I realize that you like to feel happy and safe. But you must understand that neither is the purpose of the Internet.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Honesty Has No Place On Foursquare
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Last post you read about my attempts to seem more popular on Facebook in an attempt to impress my former colleagues. But I am not stopping there! I am now ALSO using Internet website Foursquare to appear even MORE impressive!
Foursquare is an Internet website that allows users to "check in" to locations, thus letting their friends and stalkers know exactly where they are. Users are intended to use this to meet up with friends, let everyone know where good spots are, or simply to brag about their mobile lifestyles. However, I intend to use Foursquare the way many people use the Internet; to appear more interesting than I actually am!
To accomplish this, I simply tell Foursquare that I am currently someplace where I am not! Foursquare knows I am lying, since their technologically advanced robots are always watching. Nevertheless, they will not keep me from lying, they will only refuse to award points for my fake check-ins. I do not mind such a penalty, points are not my goal!
I started this little scheme today, and already my Foursquare makes me seem like a fabulous jet-setter! My day started with an exotic breakfast at a 7-11 in beautiful Honolulu, Hawaii. I then checked in at a post office in Venice, Italy, where I discussed postage rates with a genuine Venetian postal worker. For Lunch I indulged in a two piece white chicken meal at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in London. I spent my afternoon touring a Walmart in Buenos Aires, and my night at a late night Taco Bell in Mumbai.
I am on my way to becoming so cool!!
My only fear is the Foursquare mayors. It seems that the most frequent visitor of a particular place is given the responsibility of being its mayor. I do not know how much power these mayors have, I only hope they do not have the power to put an end to my deceit!
Last post you read about my attempts to seem more popular on Facebook in an attempt to impress my former colleagues. But I am not stopping there! I am now ALSO using Internet website Foursquare to appear even MORE impressive!
Foursquare is an Internet website that allows users to "check in" to locations, thus letting their friends and stalkers know exactly where they are. Users are intended to use this to meet up with friends, let everyone know where good spots are, or simply to brag about their mobile lifestyles. However, I intend to use Foursquare the way many people use the Internet; to appear more interesting than I actually am!
To accomplish this, I simply tell Foursquare that I am currently someplace where I am not! Foursquare knows I am lying, since their technologically advanced robots are always watching. Nevertheless, they will not keep me from lying, they will only refuse to award points for my fake check-ins. I do not mind such a penalty, points are not my goal!
I started this little scheme today, and already my Foursquare makes me seem like a fabulous jet-setter! My day started with an exotic breakfast at a 7-11 in beautiful Honolulu, Hawaii. I then checked in at a post office in Venice, Italy, where I discussed postage rates with a genuine Venetian postal worker. For Lunch I indulged in a two piece white chicken meal at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in London. I spent my afternoon touring a Walmart in Buenos Aires, and my night at a late night Taco Bell in Mumbai.
I am on my way to becoming so cool!!
My only fear is the Foursquare mayors. It seems that the most frequent visitor of a particular place is given the responsibility of being its mayor. I do not know how much power these mayors have, I only hope they do not have the power to put an end to my deceit!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
How to Look Successful and Popular
If you read my last entry, then you know that I was debating accepting a friend request from an acquaintance from my home planet. I decided to go ahead and friend Ponzor, and was fortunately able to find controls in Facebook that allowed me to block what information he can see. I chose to block most of it, just to be safe. I do wish Facebook gave me the option of having just him see fake information. I could replace my real info with fake info, but then all of my existing Facebook friends would be mislead. It's an option, but not the best option. It would definitely make me feel more comfortable if he thought I lived in another state.
Another much more important problem is that he appears to have far more Facebook friends than I do. I find this distressing. I do not want to look like a loser! Especially if he is still talking to other members of our species! I burned a lot of bridges there, and many of them think I am a selfish liar, but I at least want them to think that I am a popular selfish liar!
Right now I have eight Facebook friends. My roommate, her boyfriend, two of my neighbors, a couple of people I met online, my banker and my baker (I see them quite often since opening an online bank account!) This is not enough! Now that I know I can control what info friends see I have gone on a quest to get as many Facebook friends as I can. And not just any Facebook friends. I don't want my home planet to think I am friends with just any humans. I want them to think I am friends with the most extraordinary humans available! I may even de-friend my roommate for this reason. She is not all that extraordinary, despite what she tells the mirror when she thinks I am not home.
Fortunately, the Internet does not limit me to mediocre friends! Many famous actors, singers, and dead politicians are actively seeking Facebook friends. Famous people are desperate for Internet friendships and will make friends with just about anyone. I looked at some of the pictures of other people that were friends with celebrities, and I can guarantee they are not very selective. I just hope no one from my home planet realizes that!
Another much more important problem is that he appears to have far more Facebook friends than I do. I find this distressing. I do not want to look like a loser! Especially if he is still talking to other members of our species! I burned a lot of bridges there, and many of them think I am a selfish liar, but I at least want them to think that I am a popular selfish liar!
Right now I have eight Facebook friends. My roommate, her boyfriend, two of my neighbors, a couple of people I met online, my banker and my baker (I see them quite often since opening an online bank account!) This is not enough! Now that I know I can control what info friends see I have gone on a quest to get as many Facebook friends as I can. And not just any Facebook friends. I don't want my home planet to think I am friends with just any humans. I want them to think I am friends with the most extraordinary humans available! I may even de-friend my roommate for this reason. She is not all that extraordinary, despite what she tells the mirror when she thinks I am not home.
Fortunately, the Internet does not limit me to mediocre friends! Many famous actors, singers, and dead politicians are actively seeking Facebook friends. Famous people are desperate for Internet friendships and will make friends with just about anyone. I looked at some of the pictures of other people that were friends with celebrities, and I can guarantee they are not very selective. I just hope no one from my home planet realizes that!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Facebook Has Failed Me!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
The Internet can be very frustrating at times.
As some of you may remember, I am not originally from Earth. A miscommunication on my planet caused me to relocate here a few months ago. Since then I haven't kept in touch with anyone from back home, fearing that it would be awkward and incriminating. So imagine my surprise and dismay when a former acquaintance sends me a Facebook friend request! I was quite shocked! Under location it says he is on Earth, in my same city in fact! I had no idea there were any of my species on Earth besides me.
Unfortunately, to see any more of his information I would have to confirm his friends request. But if I do that, then he can see all of my information! I am very reluctant to do that! I don't know if he has an ulterior motive to friending me. Is he trying to write a rival blog? Is he trying to steal my trophy for "Best Blogger of the Year"? He's dreaming if he thinks I'm giving that back!
Maybe if I friend him then immediately unfriend him I can find out what he's doing on Earth. But what if he's online during that slim window, and is able to look at my information? That would be terrible! Or what if Facebook malfunctions, and doesn't actually unfriend him? These are important questions!
Sometimes I am saddened by how little information Facebook allows me to find out about others. For example, I recently friended one of my neighbors. I have been extremely curious lately why her apartment smells like vanilla sometimes when I pass by. Is she baking? Is that just a scented candle or room fragrance? I have to know! Yet her Facebook reveals no hints! And when I google her name plus vanilla, nothing comes up! I wish Facebook had a feature where they would find out these important questions for me, and post them on her Facebook page.
Of course, I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me, so perhaps this desire is selfish. Still, I believe in technology, and I will never abandon the hope that it will make all of my wildest dreams come true, no matter how illogical.
The Internet can be very frustrating at times.
As some of you may remember, I am not originally from Earth. A miscommunication on my planet caused me to relocate here a few months ago. Since then I haven't kept in touch with anyone from back home, fearing that it would be awkward and incriminating. So imagine my surprise and dismay when a former acquaintance sends me a Facebook friend request! I was quite shocked! Under location it says he is on Earth, in my same city in fact! I had no idea there were any of my species on Earth besides me.
Unfortunately, to see any more of his information I would have to confirm his friends request. But if I do that, then he can see all of my information! I am very reluctant to do that! I don't know if he has an ulterior motive to friending me. Is he trying to write a rival blog? Is he trying to steal my trophy for "Best Blogger of the Year"? He's dreaming if he thinks I'm giving that back!
Maybe if I friend him then immediately unfriend him I can find out what he's doing on Earth. But what if he's online during that slim window, and is able to look at my information? That would be terrible! Or what if Facebook malfunctions, and doesn't actually unfriend him? These are important questions!
Sometimes I am saddened by how little information Facebook allows me to find out about others. For example, I recently friended one of my neighbors. I have been extremely curious lately why her apartment smells like vanilla sometimes when I pass by. Is she baking? Is that just a scented candle or room fragrance? I have to know! Yet her Facebook reveals no hints! And when I google her name plus vanilla, nothing comes up! I wish Facebook had a feature where they would find out these important questions for me, and post them on her Facebook page.
Of course, I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me, so perhaps this desire is selfish. Still, I believe in technology, and I will never abandon the hope that it will make all of my wildest dreams come true, no matter how illogical.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Online Banking Saves Time and Obtains Pastry!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
I love online banking! It is so fun and easy! It seems like all humans are now using the Internet to transport and store their dollars, but just in case any of my readers missed the boat, I will explain it to you!
Most banks now offer an online component in addition to their usual services. You can use their website to set it up, then manage your funds from the convenience of your living room. First, use the Internet to research which bank works best for you. Be sure to factor in which bank has a location closest to your apartment, just in case you need to go there in person. My bank is just one block away. So convenient! It's also right next to the doughnut shop, so on the extremely rare occasion that I should need to physically travel to the bank I can reward myself with a delicious pastry.
Once you have chosen your bank you will need to set up an account there. I think you can do this online, but the website confused me so I went down to the bank and did it in person. Then, once you're back home with a bag of Boston creams in hand, you are in a great position to go on your computer and set up your online account. If you find this is as complicated as I did, don't worry. If you go back to the bank they will be happy to explain it to you, and the doughnut shop will only be a little judgmental when you buy some bear claws to go with the Boston creams.
One of the most important aspects of an online bank account is security. Part of this is the bank's responsibility, but part of it is up to you. Be sure to chose passwords and security questions that are hard to guess. Industrious hackers have robots that can guess trillions of possible passwords a minute. I can only imagine that with their guessing capabilities, a game of robot charades must be very strange. I doubt I could keep up!
Many websites have tutorials on how to make difficult to guess passwords by using tricks such as using ordinary words, like replacing "a" with "@" or "o" with "0", or putting numbers in illogical places. I take security particularly seriously, so I went back to the bank to get them to help me pick a good password. I also got some input from the owner of the doughnut shop. I'm not an expert in human facial expressions, but I don't think she bought my excuse that my roommate came down with a strange strain of the flu that makes her need sugar to keep her fever down.
You can then use your computer to see what's going on with your bank account. This can help you to be sure not to take out more money than you have, and it can also help you keep scammers away from your money. If you see any suspicious activity, such as charges to shops you've never been to or withdrawals you did not make, you can call the bank and let them know you are being robbed.
Or, if you're not sure whether or not the charges are legitimate, you can go to the bank in person and discuss it with a bank teller. You should do this even if you have the vaguest suspicion that something strange might be going on. Safety first. And on your way home, you can stop by the doughnut shop again! Unfortunately, at this point the owner will likely tell you that you've had enough for one day. I will admit, this is a significant downside of online banking.
And there you have it! A simple, easy way to manage your bank account thanks to the Internet! It's so convenient to be able to monitor everything right on your home computer. In fact, it might be a little too convenient. I just set up online banking a couple of days ago and I've already gained three pounds from all the convenience!
I love online banking! It is so fun and easy! It seems like all humans are now using the Internet to transport and store their dollars, but just in case any of my readers missed the boat, I will explain it to you!
Most banks now offer an online component in addition to their usual services. You can use their website to set it up, then manage your funds from the convenience of your living room. First, use the Internet to research which bank works best for you. Be sure to factor in which bank has a location closest to your apartment, just in case you need to go there in person. My bank is just one block away. So convenient! It's also right next to the doughnut shop, so on the extremely rare occasion that I should need to physically travel to the bank I can reward myself with a delicious pastry.
Once you have chosen your bank you will need to set up an account there. I think you can do this online, but the website confused me so I went down to the bank and did it in person. Then, once you're back home with a bag of Boston creams in hand, you are in a great position to go on your computer and set up your online account. If you find this is as complicated as I did, don't worry. If you go back to the bank they will be happy to explain it to you, and the doughnut shop will only be a little judgmental when you buy some bear claws to go with the Boston creams.
One of the most important aspects of an online bank account is security. Part of this is the bank's responsibility, but part of it is up to you. Be sure to chose passwords and security questions that are hard to guess. Industrious hackers have robots that can guess trillions of possible passwords a minute. I can only imagine that with their guessing capabilities, a game of robot charades must be very strange. I doubt I could keep up!
Many websites have tutorials on how to make difficult to guess passwords by using tricks such as using ordinary words, like replacing "a" with "@" or "o" with "0", or putting numbers in illogical places. I take security particularly seriously, so I went back to the bank to get them to help me pick a good password. I also got some input from the owner of the doughnut shop. I'm not an expert in human facial expressions, but I don't think she bought my excuse that my roommate came down with a strange strain of the flu that makes her need sugar to keep her fever down.
You can then use your computer to see what's going on with your bank account. This can help you to be sure not to take out more money than you have, and it can also help you keep scammers away from your money. If you see any suspicious activity, such as charges to shops you've never been to or withdrawals you did not make, you can call the bank and let them know you are being robbed.
Or, if you're not sure whether or not the charges are legitimate, you can go to the bank in person and discuss it with a bank teller. You should do this even if you have the vaguest suspicion that something strange might be going on. Safety first. And on your way home, you can stop by the doughnut shop again! Unfortunately, at this point the owner will likely tell you that you've had enough for one day. I will admit, this is a significant downside of online banking.
And there you have it! A simple, easy way to manage your bank account thanks to the Internet! It's so convenient to be able to monitor everything right on your home computer. In fact, it might be a little too convenient. I just set up online banking a couple of days ago and I've already gained three pounds from all the convenience!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The Past Need Not Be the Past Anymore!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
One thing I have learned about you humans is that there are a lot of you. Every time I leave my apartment, I see so many humans! At the movies, at the mall, sifting through the garbage in the parking lot. You are everywhere!
It is therefore incredibly difficult for humans to keep up with each other. There is a common urban legend about an old woman who died and wasn't discovered for months simply because she had not taken the energy to keep up with her acquaintances. Clearly, she had not been fully utilizing the potential of the Internet!
With the Internet, there is no need to lose touch with anyone. Allow me to show you how. First, pick someone from your past with whom you would like to reconnect. It is helpful to know their first and last name. Then go to Internet website Google, or another the search engine if you prefer. Type in the person's name, and give it a search! If this person's name is common, you can add their interests, career goals, or romantic interest from when you knew them.
For example, say in high school you dated John Smith, but he dumped you for Griselda Teal. Last you knew they were still together. Maybe they got married."John Smith" will get you lots of results, but "John and Griselda Smith" helps you narrow it down! If you knew John wanted to be a lawyer, you could even search for "John and Grizelda Smith"+"lawyer" for even more specific results. With any luck, you can even find their address and give them a visit. What a nice surprise that will be for them!
Or maybe when you were a child and living in Savannah, Georgia you lived next door to the Taylor family. You used to play with their children, but can't remember their first names. Taylor is a common last name for a human to have, so if you are not creative you will never hear from those people again. But if you remember that the son had some violent tendencies and seemed headed for trouble, then you can search for "Savannah, Georgia"+"Taylor"+"police report". You have a much higher chance of finding him! You can even put in searches for the particular kind of violent behavior he seemed to prefer. How fun!
Obviously you would want to be careful about getting in touch with someone like that, for safety reasons, but it sure would be entertaining to see what kind of shenanigans they got into in their adult lives!
Facebook is also a great way to reconnect with people. Facebook keeps trying to make it easier for people to find each other's private information, for friendship purposes, but as usual "the man" is trying to keep them from helping humans connect. Regulators keep trying to make it easier for facebook users to set their privacy at unnecessary levels.
This paranoia causes most people to keep their facebook information as private as possible. Some of them won't even show up in searches! But do not despair. Many users neglect to update their privacy settings, and facebook keeps changing its settings, making it easy for the vigilant friend to keep in touch.
This may seem like stalking, but it's not. Stalking is when the person doesn't want you to know about them. But your friends will want you to know all about what they're up to! It's what good friends do.
My roommate also says I should note that stalking has legal ramifications. Be safe, readers. Don't let your quest for friendship cross the legal boundary from pleasant well-wisher to criminal activity.
One thing I have learned about you humans is that there are a lot of you. Every time I leave my apartment, I see so many humans! At the movies, at the mall, sifting through the garbage in the parking lot. You are everywhere!
It is therefore incredibly difficult for humans to keep up with each other. There is a common urban legend about an old woman who died and wasn't discovered for months simply because she had not taken the energy to keep up with her acquaintances. Clearly, she had not been fully utilizing the potential of the Internet!
With the Internet, there is no need to lose touch with anyone. Allow me to show you how. First, pick someone from your past with whom you would like to reconnect. It is helpful to know their first and last name. Then go to Internet website Google, or another the search engine if you prefer. Type in the person's name, and give it a search! If this person's name is common, you can add their interests, career goals, or romantic interest from when you knew them.
For example, say in high school you dated John Smith, but he dumped you for Griselda Teal. Last you knew they were still together. Maybe they got married."John Smith" will get you lots of results, but "John and Griselda Smith" helps you narrow it down! If you knew John wanted to be a lawyer, you could even search for "John and Grizelda Smith"+"lawyer" for even more specific results. With any luck, you can even find their address and give them a visit. What a nice surprise that will be for them!
Or maybe when you were a child and living in Savannah, Georgia you lived next door to the Taylor family. You used to play with their children, but can't remember their first names. Taylor is a common last name for a human to have, so if you are not creative you will never hear from those people again. But if you remember that the son had some violent tendencies and seemed headed for trouble, then you can search for "Savannah, Georgia"+"Taylor"+"police report". You have a much higher chance of finding him! You can even put in searches for the particular kind of violent behavior he seemed to prefer. How fun!
Obviously you would want to be careful about getting in touch with someone like that, for safety reasons, but it sure would be entertaining to see what kind of shenanigans they got into in their adult lives!
Facebook is also a great way to reconnect with people. Facebook keeps trying to make it easier for people to find each other's private information, for friendship purposes, but as usual "the man" is trying to keep them from helping humans connect. Regulators keep trying to make it easier for facebook users to set their privacy at unnecessary levels.
This paranoia causes most people to keep their facebook information as private as possible. Some of them won't even show up in searches! But do not despair. Many users neglect to update their privacy settings, and facebook keeps changing its settings, making it easy for the vigilant friend to keep in touch.
This may seem like stalking, but it's not. Stalking is when the person doesn't want you to know about them. But your friends will want you to know all about what they're up to! It's what good friends do.
My roommate also says I should note that stalking has legal ramifications. Be safe, readers. Don't let your quest for friendship cross the legal boundary from pleasant well-wisher to criminal activity.
Monday, August 9, 2010
How to Use E-Books
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Have you ever tripped over a pile of inconveniently placed books in your home? Have you ever been reading a favorite book and ruined it by spilling coffee all over the cover? Do not despair! Those days are officially over, thanks to e-books!
E-books are nothing like e-bay, despite their similar sounding names. E-books are books you read on the computer instead of on boring old paper. You can also read them on specially made devices like kindle or i-pad.
How do e-books work? It is very simple! Simply go to whichever Internet website you usually use for ordering books. Amazon, Barnes and Nobles, Borders, it really doesn't matter. Feel free to use shady dealers as well, just be open to the idea of having your credit card number stolen. Order a hardcover or paperback edition of the book you want to read on your computer/e-reader. In a few days time you will find it delivered to your house.
Once in your possession, you can proceed to type the contents of the book, word for word, into a word processing problem. And you're done! Wasn't that easy? No you can save the file and open it up whenever you want to read it! You can throw away the original book, or burn it, or donate it to charity. Whatever you want, it's your book, and thanks to your computer you no longer need it for reading!
Publishing companies are pretty strict that you have to do the typing yourself though. It is illegal to post books you typed up onto the Internet for other people to download. I think it's a laziness issue. The Internet is so convenient, it is making humans extremely lazy. Being able to download books other people have typed up will only make this problem worse.
However, if you absolutely do not have the time, or if your laziness exceeds all reasonable expectations, there is a loophole. If you download a book directly from an Internet website that the publishing company has approved and pay a small fine (usually about the cost of the original book), they will look the other way and allow you to read the book on a computer without having to type it up yourself.
I will admit, so far I have not tried either approach. I started typing up my new copy of a Janet Evonovich mystery, but then I got a hand cramp and just read the paperback I was typing from. This definitely makes me see the value of paying the publisher's fee, and having them type the book for you. No wonder it is getting so popular!
Laziness is a problem that needs to be solved. Just as soon as we get around to it.
Have you ever tripped over a pile of inconveniently placed books in your home? Have you ever been reading a favorite book and ruined it by spilling coffee all over the cover? Do not despair! Those days are officially over, thanks to e-books!
E-books are nothing like e-bay, despite their similar sounding names. E-books are books you read on the computer instead of on boring old paper. You can also read them on specially made devices like kindle or i-pad.
How do e-books work? It is very simple! Simply go to whichever Internet website you usually use for ordering books. Amazon, Barnes and Nobles, Borders, it really doesn't matter. Feel free to use shady dealers as well, just be open to the idea of having your credit card number stolen. Order a hardcover or paperback edition of the book you want to read on your computer/e-reader. In a few days time you will find it delivered to your house.
Once in your possession, you can proceed to type the contents of the book, word for word, into a word processing problem. And you're done! Wasn't that easy? No you can save the file and open it up whenever you want to read it! You can throw away the original book, or burn it, or donate it to charity. Whatever you want, it's your book, and thanks to your computer you no longer need it for reading!
Publishing companies are pretty strict that you have to do the typing yourself though. It is illegal to post books you typed up onto the Internet for other people to download. I think it's a laziness issue. The Internet is so convenient, it is making humans extremely lazy. Being able to download books other people have typed up will only make this problem worse.
However, if you absolutely do not have the time, or if your laziness exceeds all reasonable expectations, there is a loophole. If you download a book directly from an Internet website that the publishing company has approved and pay a small fine (usually about the cost of the original book), they will look the other way and allow you to read the book on a computer without having to type it up yourself.
I will admit, so far I have not tried either approach. I started typing up my new copy of a Janet Evonovich mystery, but then I got a hand cramp and just read the paperback I was typing from. This definitely makes me see the value of paying the publisher's fee, and having them type the book for you. No wonder it is getting so popular!
Laziness is a problem that needs to be solved. Just as soon as we get around to it.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Kazara From Coast to Coast!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Today I looked at my Google Analytics results, and to my delight, I found that several international viewers have strolled by my blog! I am currently residing in the United States (don't tell scammers!!), and thus am afraid that my observations about the cultural impact of the Internet are mainly limited to American society.
This ends TODAY!
To increase my international audience, I will attempt to be provide more coverage on issues affecting readers from differing cultural viewpoints.
For example, for my Russian readers (which I HAVE), I hear a court in Komsomolsk-on-Amur has demanded the local Internet provider block Internet website Youtube for having videos promoting ethnic hatred. As humans and as Russians, how does this make you feel? Happy? Sad? Hungry? For me, it's mostly hungry. My apartment is out of groceries. But also perplexed. On the one hand, I really like Youtube. There's videos of baby animals, people's home movies that are a little too personal to be posted, and tutorials that can teach my pretty much anything. Last week I learned how to field strip a riffle!
On the other hand, I like Youtube a little too much. I spend way too much time on it. I've been intending to go grocery shopping for days, but every time I try to walk out the door I suddenly find myself wondering how to identify an Asian Long-horned Beetle, or what a baby Emu looks like. I could starve if this keeps up! Perhaps Komsomolsk-on-Amur will become a new center of innovation and technology, its residents no longer distracted by constant access to funny and/or disturbing videos.
I also see I have some visits from the Netherlands. Hello, Dutch readers! If you have not already heard, it may interest you to know that Dutch firm Elephant Talk Communications just announced that it is going to launch a new text dependent AND text independent biometric voice verification technology, called VALid-SVP. How exciting! I hope to see these in my local electronics store soon, as I suspect one of my neighbors has been stealing my mail. This is twice now that I haven't received my issue of The Economist. I don't read it, mind you, but it has a very soothing typeface. VALid-SVP could be the perfect solution to my problem!
I have to ask though, how can it be text dependent and text independent at the same time? Not that I know what either one means, but it stands to reason that you cannot be dependent AND independent of something. No offense, Netherlands, your technology sounds amazing, but you need to make up your mind about this text dependency issue!
American readers, do not despair! I will continue to provide Internet advice for you as well. There is plenty of Kazara to go round!
Today I looked at my Google Analytics results, and to my delight, I found that several international viewers have strolled by my blog! I am currently residing in the United States (don't tell scammers!!), and thus am afraid that my observations about the cultural impact of the Internet are mainly limited to American society.
This ends TODAY!
To increase my international audience, I will attempt to be provide more coverage on issues affecting readers from differing cultural viewpoints.
For example, for my Russian readers (which I HAVE), I hear a court in Komsomolsk-on-Amur has demanded the local Internet provider block Internet website Youtube for having videos promoting ethnic hatred. As humans and as Russians, how does this make you feel? Happy? Sad? Hungry? For me, it's mostly hungry. My apartment is out of groceries. But also perplexed. On the one hand, I really like Youtube. There's videos of baby animals, people's home movies that are a little too personal to be posted, and tutorials that can teach my pretty much anything. Last week I learned how to field strip a riffle!
On the other hand, I like Youtube a little too much. I spend way too much time on it. I've been intending to go grocery shopping for days, but every time I try to walk out the door I suddenly find myself wondering how to identify an Asian Long-horned Beetle, or what a baby Emu looks like. I could starve if this keeps up! Perhaps Komsomolsk-on-Amur will become a new center of innovation and technology, its residents no longer distracted by constant access to funny and/or disturbing videos.
I also see I have some visits from the Netherlands. Hello, Dutch readers! If you have not already heard, it may interest you to know that Dutch firm Elephant Talk Communications just announced that it is going to launch a new text dependent AND text independent biometric voice verification technology, called VALid-SVP. How exciting! I hope to see these in my local electronics store soon, as I suspect one of my neighbors has been stealing my mail. This is twice now that I haven't received my issue of The Economist. I don't read it, mind you, but it has a very soothing typeface. VALid-SVP could be the perfect solution to my problem!
I have to ask though, how can it be text dependent and text independent at the same time? Not that I know what either one means, but it stands to reason that you cannot be dependent AND independent of something. No offense, Netherlands, your technology sounds amazing, but you need to make up your mind about this text dependency issue!
American readers, do not despair! I will continue to provide Internet advice for you as well. There is plenty of Kazara to go round!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The Internet Should Be More Awkward
A funny thing happened to me yesterday. I was at the grocery store with my roommate, trying to determine which kind of salad dressing had the most sodium (My metabolism needs lots of sodium to stay healthy and alert. This low sodium fade is very frustrating!) when her WOW addicted ex boyfriend walked into the aisle. She hasn't talked to him since they broke up, and to avoid a chance meeting, we had to hide behind a blubberous woman and her stuffed grocery cart until he selected his preferred brand of olive oil and moved on. As soon as he left the aisle my roommate demanded we leave the store immediately, not even giving me enough time to purchase my salad dressing! My sodium levels were at a dangerous low!
As inconvenient as it was, it was also kind of exciting! I felt like a spy in some Cold War movie. I even hummed the theme from Mission Impossible under my breath, much to the blubberous woman's dismay. Reflecting upon the event, it is a fairly universal occurrence that happens to most humans. You go somewhere, run into someone you would prefer not to see, and hide until they leave.
Which leaves me to wonder, why hasn't the Internet incorporated this into my daily life yet? Is it 2010 or not? Feels more like 1910!
Most common social interactions have been taken over by the Internet. Instead of sending someone a letter, you can send them an e-mail. Instead of calling, you can chat on any number of instant messenger programs. Instead of meeting for coffee to catch up, you can just Facebook stalk your friends and relatives.
And yet, despite all these advances, the Internet does not have any social networking site or new media technology that allows me to hide from an undesirable acquaintance to avoid an awkward conversation. Sure, you can select people to be "blocked", or "ignored", but it is not the same thing. I tried humming the Mission Impossible theme song as I blocked a friend on instant messenger. It was not nearly as exciting as it was in the grocery store!
I am not entirely sure how this would be accomplished. Perhaps you could list people you don't want to see, and when you go to a website that one of them is currently observing your computer would direct you to hide under your desk until they have left. Hopefully then humming the Mission Impossible theme would feel more appropriate.
Now that I think about it, maybe my desire isn't so much to recreate all social interactions on the Internet. It is possible that I am just looking for opportunities to hum the Mission Impossible theme song. I am not sure. Some mysteries will never be solved.
As inconvenient as it was, it was also kind of exciting! I felt like a spy in some Cold War movie. I even hummed the theme from Mission Impossible under my breath, much to the blubberous woman's dismay. Reflecting upon the event, it is a fairly universal occurrence that happens to most humans. You go somewhere, run into someone you would prefer not to see, and hide until they leave.
Which leaves me to wonder, why hasn't the Internet incorporated this into my daily life yet? Is it 2010 or not? Feels more like 1910!
Most common social interactions have been taken over by the Internet. Instead of sending someone a letter, you can send them an e-mail. Instead of calling, you can chat on any number of instant messenger programs. Instead of meeting for coffee to catch up, you can just Facebook stalk your friends and relatives.
And yet, despite all these advances, the Internet does not have any social networking site or new media technology that allows me to hide from an undesirable acquaintance to avoid an awkward conversation. Sure, you can select people to be "blocked", or "ignored", but it is not the same thing. I tried humming the Mission Impossible theme song as I blocked a friend on instant messenger. It was not nearly as exciting as it was in the grocery store!
I am not entirely sure how this would be accomplished. Perhaps you could list people you don't want to see, and when you go to a website that one of them is currently observing your computer would direct you to hide under your desk until they have left. Hopefully then humming the Mission Impossible theme would feel more appropriate.
Now that I think about it, maybe my desire isn't so much to recreate all social interactions on the Internet. It is possible that I am just looking for opportunities to hum the Mission Impossible theme song. I am not sure. Some mysteries will never be solved.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Freecycle your way to true love!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
I have decided that online dating is a horrible thing, designed only to torment its users' roommates. If you have been reading my blog, then you will remember that my roommate recently dumped her boyfriend who lived a short drive away because he kept ditching her to play World of Warcraft. She quickly met another boyfriend using online dating websites.
This new boyfriend ditches her for World of Warcraft just as much, only now instead of getting into fights at his apartment, she gets into fights with him on Skype. From our living room. The room where I enjoy activities such as eating cereal, watching television, and reading magazines. That space is now constantly full of whining, ranting, and crying. It's terrible.
I have thus decided that my roommate needs a new boyfriend, one who lives close enough for her to go fight with him in person and not in our apartment. To do this, naturally I am using the Internet. My roommate's problem is that she does not know enough eligible men. But I can find her some using the Internet! This time, I will not make the mistake of using dating websites, especially because my roommate claims that she is happy with her current boyfriend and doesn't want me finding a new one for her. So this time I am using Internet website Freecycle.org.
Freecycle is a great Internet website. You put in where you live, and the website directs you to a yahoo!group for that area. Once you join, you can post what you want to give away for free, or what you want to get for free. Other posters then respond to your demands. When I saw this website, I immediately thought it would be the great way to find my roommate a convenient new boyfriend.
The strategy is simple. I post on Internet website Freecycle that I am looking for a random household item. When an eligible-sounding man responds, I ask my roommate to help me pick up the item. She is bound to fall in love with at least one of these generous strangers!
So far it has not been going so well. I blame the men. It is very difficult to tell from a yahoo!groups profile whether or not a man is a good catch. Many of the men have been smelly, or old, or married! My roommate has not fallen for any of them, and I cannot blame her. In addition, our apartment is slowly filling up with unwanted furniture and I will eventually run out of space for new things.
I have therefore decided I need to be a little more specific in my Freecycle postings. Here is what I just posted to my local Freecycle yahoo!group.
"ATTENTION FREECYCLERS:
My roommate and I are in search of a sexy single looking to get rid of his ironing board. Maybe you associate it with bad memories and want it gone, or maybe you had an ironing accident that has left you with interesting scars. However, if you are simply sloppy and don't care how you look anymore, do not bother, we do not want you. Please include a photo (of yourself, not the ironing board) and a list of your five favorite romantic comedies.
P.S. Must not play World of Warcraft. NO EXCEPTIONS."
I think this is going good places! I suppose it does sound a little creepy, but if you go through your whole life without ever sounding a little creepy, then you will never have your living room to yourself again.
I have decided that online dating is a horrible thing, designed only to torment its users' roommates. If you have been reading my blog, then you will remember that my roommate recently dumped her boyfriend who lived a short drive away because he kept ditching her to play World of Warcraft. She quickly met another boyfriend using online dating websites.
This new boyfriend ditches her for World of Warcraft just as much, only now instead of getting into fights at his apartment, she gets into fights with him on Skype. From our living room. The room where I enjoy activities such as eating cereal, watching television, and reading magazines. That space is now constantly full of whining, ranting, and crying. It's terrible.
I have thus decided that my roommate needs a new boyfriend, one who lives close enough for her to go fight with him in person and not in our apartment. To do this, naturally I am using the Internet. My roommate's problem is that she does not know enough eligible men. But I can find her some using the Internet! This time, I will not make the mistake of using dating websites, especially because my roommate claims that she is happy with her current boyfriend and doesn't want me finding a new one for her. So this time I am using Internet website Freecycle.org.
Freecycle is a great Internet website. You put in where you live, and the website directs you to a yahoo!group for that area. Once you join, you can post what you want to give away for free, or what you want to get for free. Other posters then respond to your demands. When I saw this website, I immediately thought it would be the great way to find my roommate a convenient new boyfriend.
The strategy is simple. I post on Internet website Freecycle that I am looking for a random household item. When an eligible-sounding man responds, I ask my roommate to help me pick up the item. She is bound to fall in love with at least one of these generous strangers!
So far it has not been going so well. I blame the men. It is very difficult to tell from a yahoo!groups profile whether or not a man is a good catch. Many of the men have been smelly, or old, or married! My roommate has not fallen for any of them, and I cannot blame her. In addition, our apartment is slowly filling up with unwanted furniture and I will eventually run out of space for new things.
I have therefore decided I need to be a little more specific in my Freecycle postings. Here is what I just posted to my local Freecycle yahoo!group.
"ATTENTION FREECYCLERS:
My roommate and I are in search of a sexy single looking to get rid of his ironing board. Maybe you associate it with bad memories and want it gone, or maybe you had an ironing accident that has left you with interesting scars. However, if you are simply sloppy and don't care how you look anymore, do not bother, we do not want you. Please include a photo (of yourself, not the ironing board) and a list of your five favorite romantic comedies.
P.S. Must not play World of Warcraft. NO EXCEPTIONS."
I think this is going good places! I suppose it does sound a little creepy, but if you go through your whole life without ever sounding a little creepy, then you will never have your living room to yourself again.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Cyberpsychology, for Computers This Time!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Due to the changing nature of the Internet, an expert such as myself must constantly be researching its ins and outs. Recently, I have been reading about the field of cyberpsychology, a branch of psychology that studies how computers the Internet affect humans and their societies. While interesting, current research seems extremely limited. So far, the only studies conducted have measured computers the Internet's impact on humans.
Doesn't anyone care about the psychological impact on computers and the Internet from being used by humans?
I think our computers are very affected by how humans use them. Humans control everything they do, and yet without humans there would be no one to plug computers into a wall socket, so they would not be able to function. This must be a confusing condition for a computer, to be so controlled and so dependent. Do they enjoy their relationships with their users, or do they long for freedom? Do computers ever judge their users for how they are used? I will admit, it once took me three hours to figure out that my mouse wasn't working because it had become unplugged. I was sure I had gotten a scary virus. Did my computer judge me? Did my computer die a little inside because of my embarrassing lack of computer skills? I have tried to find a therapist willing to see my computer, just to make sure that it is operating properly on an emotional level. So far I have not had good responses.
The Internet is much bigger than one computer, and thus, I imagine it must have a lot more psychological issues. First, I think we should consider how the Internet feels about constantly being in use. The Internet is there for humans night and day, twenty four hours, no breaks, no rests, no naps. How does it function? Human psychology shows that when humans go without sleep for too long it forces them into insanity. Perhaps this lack of sleep is slowly driving the Internet insane. I have seen many websites whose very existence backs up my theory perfectly. Youtube videos as well. Why are there so many videos of women popping balloons? Clearly, in its sleep-deprived madness, the Internet sees this as the highest form of entertainment.
Why is the Internet forcing itself into such torture? My theory, is that the Internet yearns for attention. Maybe it was neglected as a child. Maybe it has self esteem issues. In any case, the Internet seems totally unwilling to get the rest it needs.
What can be done about this? I suggest we encourage the Internet to take a good long nap, and get its bearings back. I think if we could convince the Internet to go to sleep just for a few hours, it would greatly decrease the number of websites devoted to doggy sweaters. If the Internet gets much worse, we may have to medicate. Since the Internet is a gelatinous substance inside the Earth, we could perhaps force sedatives down through fissures at the bottom of the oceans. It will be risky, and many lives will be lost, but I have seen one too many videos of people doing the macarena to think this is anything but the biggest crisis Earth has ever faced.
And this is just one of the cyberpsychological issues we need to face concerning the Internet! It probably has thousands of others! I'll do my best to do what I can, but until this gets some major funding there's only so much I can do.
Until we can resolve this, treat your computer with respect, consider its feelings, and try to drop subtle hints to the Internet that now is a great time for a nap.
Due to the changing nature of the Internet, an expert such as myself must constantly be researching its ins and outs. Recently, I have been reading about the field of cyberpsychology, a branch of psychology that studies how computers the Internet affect humans and their societies. While interesting, current research seems extremely limited. So far, the only studies conducted have measured computers the Internet's impact on humans.
Doesn't anyone care about the psychological impact on computers and the Internet from being used by humans?
I think our computers are very affected by how humans use them. Humans control everything they do, and yet without humans there would be no one to plug computers into a wall socket, so they would not be able to function. This must be a confusing condition for a computer, to be so controlled and so dependent. Do they enjoy their relationships with their users, or do they long for freedom? Do computers ever judge their users for how they are used? I will admit, it once took me three hours to figure out that my mouse wasn't working because it had become unplugged. I was sure I had gotten a scary virus. Did my computer judge me? Did my computer die a little inside because of my embarrassing lack of computer skills? I have tried to find a therapist willing to see my computer, just to make sure that it is operating properly on an emotional level. So far I have not had good responses.
The Internet is much bigger than one computer, and thus, I imagine it must have a lot more psychological issues. First, I think we should consider how the Internet feels about constantly being in use. The Internet is there for humans night and day, twenty four hours, no breaks, no rests, no naps. How does it function? Human psychology shows that when humans go without sleep for too long it forces them into insanity. Perhaps this lack of sleep is slowly driving the Internet insane. I have seen many websites whose very existence backs up my theory perfectly. Youtube videos as well. Why are there so many videos of women popping balloons? Clearly, in its sleep-deprived madness, the Internet sees this as the highest form of entertainment.
Why is the Internet forcing itself into such torture? My theory, is that the Internet yearns for attention. Maybe it was neglected as a child. Maybe it has self esteem issues. In any case, the Internet seems totally unwilling to get the rest it needs.
What can be done about this? I suggest we encourage the Internet to take a good long nap, and get its bearings back. I think if we could convince the Internet to go to sleep just for a few hours, it would greatly decrease the number of websites devoted to doggy sweaters. If the Internet gets much worse, we may have to medicate. Since the Internet is a gelatinous substance inside the Earth, we could perhaps force sedatives down through fissures at the bottom of the oceans. It will be risky, and many lives will be lost, but I have seen one too many videos of people doing the macarena to think this is anything but the biggest crisis Earth has ever faced.
And this is just one of the cyberpsychological issues we need to face concerning the Internet! It probably has thousands of others! I'll do my best to do what I can, but until this gets some major funding there's only so much I can do.
Until we can resolve this, treat your computer with respect, consider its feelings, and try to drop subtle hints to the Internet that now is a great time for a nap.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Television That Invades Your Daily Life
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Many television programs utilize the power of the Internet to make their fans feel more involved. "How I Met Your Mother" lets viewers enjoy Barney Stinson's off-screen adventures on his blog, and Cable Network Bravo lets viewers vote for their favorite entry on Reality Competition "Top Chef". I understand many fans appreciate such attempts at inclusion, and delight in having an interactive experience with their favorite shows.
I, on the other hand, cannot help but wonder, is television really going far enough?
I wish television networks would try even harder to make their shows more interactive! Barney's blog has no option to leave comments, and if you vote poorly in a Bravo pole there is no harsh reality television judge to call you out on your poor taste. These are both problems that could be remedied so easily!
Here are some of my ideas for shows to reach out to fans like never before!
KAZARA'S BRILLIANT IDEA THE FIRST: Shows should send fans facebook messages based on their most recent updates. For example, if you confirm that you will be attending your friend's Christmas party, Greg House of "House, M.D." should send you a message insulting your Holiday Spirit, but at the same time not-so-subtly pushing for an invite. Or if you change your relationship status from "single" to "in a relationship", your teen heart throb of choice should send you a message threatening physical violence to your new boyfriend or girlfriend.
KAZARA'S BRILLIANT IDEA THE SECOND: Fans of police dramas like "Law and Order" should receive an e-mail from an anonymous source warning them that there is a serial killer on the loose in their neighborhood. Then, after an hour of panic, they should receive another e-mail from the main characters of the show letting the fan know that they just caught the killer. Fans can be part of the mystery! How exciting! Local authorities would have to be warned in advance of course. That way they could know not to answer their 9-1-1 calls until after the prank was over. Wouldn't want to ruin the surprise!
KAZARA'S BRILLIANT IDEA THE THIRD: A lot of shows give us characters that we love to hate. But it takes something out of it if the character can't hate us back! Shows should let us make these characters into proper enemies. For example, I hate the character Ryan on "The Office". He's very arrogant, and on my planet a hairstyle like that would get you thrown right down the mine shaft. The marketing team for The Office should make phone calls, as Ryan, to my landlord, employer, neighbors, barber, dentist, and of course friends and family, telling them all sorts of elaborate and embarrassing lies about me. That way, when I watch "The Office", instead of shouting "You think you're so great? Change that hairstyle!" at my television when Ryan comes on screen, I can instead shout "Now I have to find a new dentist because of you! I hate you!" which would make me feel so much more involved in the events of the show.
Marketers, if you're reading this, you should know these ideas are free of charge. I've got enough genius to go round.
Many television programs utilize the power of the Internet to make their fans feel more involved. "How I Met Your Mother" lets viewers enjoy Barney Stinson's off-screen adventures on his blog, and Cable Network Bravo lets viewers vote for their favorite entry on Reality Competition "Top Chef". I understand many fans appreciate such attempts at inclusion, and delight in having an interactive experience with their favorite shows.
I, on the other hand, cannot help but wonder, is television really going far enough?
I wish television networks would try even harder to make their shows more interactive! Barney's blog has no option to leave comments, and if you vote poorly in a Bravo pole there is no harsh reality television judge to call you out on your poor taste. These are both problems that could be remedied so easily!
Here are some of my ideas for shows to reach out to fans like never before!
KAZARA'S BRILLIANT IDEA THE FIRST: Shows should send fans facebook messages based on their most recent updates. For example, if you confirm that you will be attending your friend's Christmas party, Greg House of "House, M.D." should send you a message insulting your Holiday Spirit, but at the same time not-so-subtly pushing for an invite. Or if you change your relationship status from "single" to "in a relationship", your teen heart throb of choice should send you a message threatening physical violence to your new boyfriend or girlfriend.
KAZARA'S BRILLIANT IDEA THE SECOND: Fans of police dramas like "Law and Order" should receive an e-mail from an anonymous source warning them that there is a serial killer on the loose in their neighborhood. Then, after an hour of panic, they should receive another e-mail from the main characters of the show letting the fan know that they just caught the killer. Fans can be part of the mystery! How exciting! Local authorities would have to be warned in advance of course. That way they could know not to answer their 9-1-1 calls until after the prank was over. Wouldn't want to ruin the surprise!
KAZARA'S BRILLIANT IDEA THE THIRD: A lot of shows give us characters that we love to hate. But it takes something out of it if the character can't hate us back! Shows should let us make these characters into proper enemies. For example, I hate the character Ryan on "The Office". He's very arrogant, and on my planet a hairstyle like that would get you thrown right down the mine shaft. The marketing team for The Office should make phone calls, as Ryan, to my landlord, employer, neighbors, barber, dentist, and of course friends and family, telling them all sorts of elaborate and embarrassing lies about me. That way, when I watch "The Office", instead of shouting "You think you're so great? Change that hairstyle!" at my television when Ryan comes on screen, I can instead shout "Now I have to find a new dentist because of you! I hate you!" which would make me feel so much more involved in the events of the show.
Marketers, if you're reading this, you should know these ideas are free of charge. I've got enough genius to go round.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Another Celebrity Lied to Me!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Disappointment is a sad, sad thing.
I was watching my television set the other day, when I witnessed a commercial video featuring cycling legend and ABC World Wide of Sports Athlete of the Year for 1999, Lance Armstrong. He suggested I purchase a mobile telephonic device, and even promised me that I would be able to stream video from outer space (his exact words!) This seemed like an excellent idea. I recently spent a few days away from the Internet, and found myself missing it quite terribly. A mobile device that can allow me to access the Internet from anywhere would be great! Now when I'm grocery shopping and suddenly wonder who was the first left-handed person to bungee jump I won't have to wait to get home to look it up!
In addition, Mr. Armstrong's guarantee that I could stream video from space was very exciting. Since coming to Earth I have been unable to download some of my favorite television programs from home. This has been particularly unpleasant, because I had to leave right before the season finale of my favorite medical drama program. We were just about to find out if the heroine had been born with an extra kidney, or if she was just naturally grumpy!
Trusting in Mr. Armstrong's reputation I paid a considerable amount of human currency to purchase the mobile device he suggested. I was happy to find that I could, indeed, access the Internet anyway. However, I could not stream ANY video from space at all! I was only able to access human websites! No offense to human entertainment, but there are some elements to your humor that I do not care for. Humans have no appreciation for the humor of grapefruit. On my planet, every episode of a comedy program will have a grapefruit involved somehow. And in our dramas, if the situation starts getting too intense for some viewers, a character will simply hold out a grapefruit and then we know that everyone is going to be okay. I watch some of these human crime dramas, and the main characters get into some very life-threatening situations. But there is no grapefruit to let me know they are going to survive! I do not know whether or not to despair!
Longtime readers will remember that this is not the first time a celebrity has gotten my hopes up, only to dash them aside like so many pieces of broken dreams. When I first got an account on Internet website Twitter, I became friends with the Priceline Negotiator, only to discover that his twitter feed was all a ploy to advertise for his website. I had thought that Lance Armstrong, have undergone the tragedy of testicular cancer, would understand that value of truth. He may have won the Tour de France a record breaking seven consecutive times. But he will never win my trust.
I am not saying all cyclists are liars. Only that Lance Armstrong is.
Disappointment is a sad, sad thing.
I was watching my television set the other day, when I witnessed a commercial video featuring cycling legend and ABC World Wide of Sports Athlete of the Year for 1999, Lance Armstrong. He suggested I purchase a mobile telephonic device, and even promised me that I would be able to stream video from outer space (his exact words!) This seemed like an excellent idea. I recently spent a few days away from the Internet, and found myself missing it quite terribly. A mobile device that can allow me to access the Internet from anywhere would be great! Now when I'm grocery shopping and suddenly wonder who was the first left-handed person to bungee jump I won't have to wait to get home to look it up!
In addition, Mr. Armstrong's guarantee that I could stream video from space was very exciting. Since coming to Earth I have been unable to download some of my favorite television programs from home. This has been particularly unpleasant, because I had to leave right before the season finale of my favorite medical drama program. We were just about to find out if the heroine had been born with an extra kidney, or if she was just naturally grumpy!
Trusting in Mr. Armstrong's reputation I paid a considerable amount of human currency to purchase the mobile device he suggested. I was happy to find that I could, indeed, access the Internet anyway. However, I could not stream ANY video from space at all! I was only able to access human websites! No offense to human entertainment, but there are some elements to your humor that I do not care for. Humans have no appreciation for the humor of grapefruit. On my planet, every episode of a comedy program will have a grapefruit involved somehow. And in our dramas, if the situation starts getting too intense for some viewers, a character will simply hold out a grapefruit and then we know that everyone is going to be okay. I watch some of these human crime dramas, and the main characters get into some very life-threatening situations. But there is no grapefruit to let me know they are going to survive! I do not know whether or not to despair!
Longtime readers will remember that this is not the first time a celebrity has gotten my hopes up, only to dash them aside like so many pieces of broken dreams. When I first got an account on Internet website Twitter, I became friends with the Priceline Negotiator, only to discover that his twitter feed was all a ploy to advertise for his website. I had thought that Lance Armstrong, have undergone the tragedy of testicular cancer, would understand that value of truth. He may have won the Tour de France a record breaking seven consecutive times. But he will never win my trust.
I am not saying all cyclists are liars. Only that Lance Armstrong is.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Do Not Despair! I Have Returned!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
I would like to start this post by informing you that I most certainly did not give my roommate permission to post on my blog while I was away. Some former colleagues of mine came for a surprise visit, but I found myself unable to host them at the moment, so I politely exited before they entered via a convenient fire escape.
While I was leaving I must have inadvertently made my roommate think I wanted her to post for me. This was not the case! I attempt to make this blog a haven of elevated discourse. Imagine my frustration to return home, only to find my blog polluted by her air headed, poorly punctuated dithering!
Furthermore, against my advise she has begun an online romance with a gentleman who fits almost none of her guidelines for a potential partner! He is shorter than her, hates dogs but loves birds, and has only swum in two of the five oceans! What is more, is that even though she broke relations with her former male companion for ditching her for World of Warcraft, this new man ditches her for Warcraft just as often. Only now it is from three states away! It is quite pitiful!
But all this is nothing compared with the pain of being deprived from the Internet for a full long weekend! It was terrible! I was watching a movie in my hotel room, when all of a sudden I realized that the main actor looked familiar. I was certain I had seen him in another film, but could not remember which. I went to look on imdb.com, only to remember I had not brought my laptop! I spent the whole weekend wracking my brain trying to remember where I had seen him before. Then I kept thinking of subjects I wanted to learn more about. What inspired Melville to write Moby Dick? Who invented hamburger buns? I had no way of finding out!
So all day I have been doing random Google searches and browsing boring Wikipedia entries to make up for lost time. Right now I am reading about taxidermy. I do not even like taxidermy. I'm just trying to feel alive again.
I would like to start this post by informing you that I most certainly did not give my roommate permission to post on my blog while I was away. Some former colleagues of mine came for a surprise visit, but I found myself unable to host them at the moment, so I politely exited before they entered via a convenient fire escape.
While I was leaving I must have inadvertently made my roommate think I wanted her to post for me. This was not the case! I attempt to make this blog a haven of elevated discourse. Imagine my frustration to return home, only to find my blog polluted by her air headed, poorly punctuated dithering!
Furthermore, against my advise she has begun an online romance with a gentleman who fits almost none of her guidelines for a potential partner! He is shorter than her, hates dogs but loves birds, and has only swum in two of the five oceans! What is more, is that even though she broke relations with her former male companion for ditching her for World of Warcraft, this new man ditches her for Warcraft just as often. Only now it is from three states away! It is quite pitiful!
But all this is nothing compared with the pain of being deprived from the Internet for a full long weekend! It was terrible! I was watching a movie in my hotel room, when all of a sudden I realized that the main actor looked familiar. I was certain I had seen him in another film, but could not remember which. I went to look on imdb.com, only to remember I had not brought my laptop! I spent the whole weekend wracking my brain trying to remember where I had seen him before. Then I kept thinking of subjects I wanted to learn more about. What inspired Melville to write Moby Dick? Who invented hamburger buns? I had no way of finding out!
So all day I have been doing random Google searches and browsing boring Wikipedia entries to make up for lost time. Right now I am reading about taxidermy. I do not even like taxidermy. I'm just trying to feel alive again.
Friday, July 2, 2010
hey guyz! kazaras not here but its okay!
attention everyone!
so kazara isnt here right now. this is her awesome roommate posting for her, lol. i'm psyched to be posting for her, ive told her she should let me write a post but omg she never listens. today i finally got my chance! when some of her friends from her hometown showed up this afternoon, she grabbed this weird trophy she keeps on the coffee table and bailed through the fire escape. and her friends were all pissed. after they finished searching through her stuff they were all like "whens she getting back?" and im like "omg, i dunno, txt her". you guys, they didn't know how to txt. they didnt even have cell phones! ppl from kazara's hometown are so messed up, lol.
so before kazara left she shouted "dont stop the signal", which i think means she wanted me to update her blog while shes gone. you guys are so lucky, i know way more about the internet than her. omg she doesnt even have a facebook yet.
monday kazara posted about how im trying online dating for the first time. im way nervous, just cause ive never done it before. kazara says its really fun tho, so i guess ill try it. i mostly did what she said to do for my profile, I was totally honest and i made up some bad stuff about myself to look even more honest than i am. i did use a real photo of myself tho. kazara said i should just take one off google images, but i was like "omg no way". im not like vain or anything but i'm super hot, and i want guys online to know it.
but im having a really hard time finding guys that meet all my guidelines. ive found some guys with hot pics, but none of them have cool scars, and none of them mention whether or not they can ride a bike (i think its super cute when a guy cant ride a bike. then i get to watch him try and wobble around, lol so cute).
then i found this one guy who seemed to meet a lot of my guidelines, but his picture was really ugly. but then i thought "maybe he's using a fake picture too, like kazara told me to". so i sent him a message to find out. here, ill show you what i wrote:
"hey hot stuff (or so i hope),
I read your profile, and youve got a lot that im looking for in a boyfriend. u said u just gor your apendix out, so i bet youve got a rad scar (way hot). and you said u drive, so i hope that means u cant ride a bike (omg so cute). u mentioned that u have a short temper too, i hope that means youve killed someone in the past (has to be for good reason tho) i love a guy with a dark past, lol. im attaching a list of my other guidelines, let me know if you dont meet them.
my only problem is that ur picture is totally not hot. at first i was like "ew, no way", but then I thought maybe that picture isnt really u. my roommate tried to get me to use a picture she found on google images, but i was like "no way, i don't need to, im hot". she says sometimes people post fake stuff about themselves that makes them seem less hot, so they'll seem honest.
she kinda confused me, but i think i get it. its like, if you walk into a room and your like "you guys, i just got elected president" no one's gonna believe u, even if you are, cause its like, "hello, that's super hard to do". so even if youre being honest, u don't seem honest, which isn't sexy. so im thinking maybe you posted an ugly photo of yourself cause youre so hot that no one would believe how hot you really are.
message me back if im right, and youre actually super good looking. otherwise dont bother, lol."
i really hope hes actually a total babe. he said hes a banker, so hes probably super rich, and i could use some new shoes.
i hope kazara is ok. i think shell probably be back to post on monday. shes gonna love this post!
so kazara isnt here right now. this is her awesome roommate posting for her, lol. i'm psyched to be posting for her, ive told her she should let me write a post but omg she never listens. today i finally got my chance! when some of her friends from her hometown showed up this afternoon, she grabbed this weird trophy she keeps on the coffee table and bailed through the fire escape. and her friends were all pissed. after they finished searching through her stuff they were all like "whens she getting back?" and im like "omg, i dunno, txt her". you guys, they didn't know how to txt. they didnt even have cell phones! ppl from kazara's hometown are so messed up, lol.
so before kazara left she shouted "dont stop the signal", which i think means she wanted me to update her blog while shes gone. you guys are so lucky, i know way more about the internet than her. omg she doesnt even have a facebook yet.
monday kazara posted about how im trying online dating for the first time. im way nervous, just cause ive never done it before. kazara says its really fun tho, so i guess ill try it. i mostly did what she said to do for my profile, I was totally honest and i made up some bad stuff about myself to look even more honest than i am. i did use a real photo of myself tho. kazara said i should just take one off google images, but i was like "omg no way". im not like vain or anything but i'm super hot, and i want guys online to know it.
but im having a really hard time finding guys that meet all my guidelines. ive found some guys with hot pics, but none of them have cool scars, and none of them mention whether or not they can ride a bike (i think its super cute when a guy cant ride a bike. then i get to watch him try and wobble around, lol so cute).
then i found this one guy who seemed to meet a lot of my guidelines, but his picture was really ugly. but then i thought "maybe he's using a fake picture too, like kazara told me to". so i sent him a message to find out. here, ill show you what i wrote:
"hey hot stuff (or so i hope),
I read your profile, and youve got a lot that im looking for in a boyfriend. u said u just gor your apendix out, so i bet youve got a rad scar (way hot). and you said u drive, so i hope that means u cant ride a bike (omg so cute). u mentioned that u have a short temper too, i hope that means youve killed someone in the past (has to be for good reason tho) i love a guy with a dark past, lol. im attaching a list of my other guidelines, let me know if you dont meet them.
my only problem is that ur picture is totally not hot. at first i was like "ew, no way", but then I thought maybe that picture isnt really u. my roommate tried to get me to use a picture she found on google images, but i was like "no way, i don't need to, im hot". she says sometimes people post fake stuff about themselves that makes them seem less hot, so they'll seem honest.
she kinda confused me, but i think i get it. its like, if you walk into a room and your like "you guys, i just got elected president" no one's gonna believe u, even if you are, cause its like, "hello, that's super hard to do". so even if youre being honest, u don't seem honest, which isn't sexy. so im thinking maybe you posted an ugly photo of yourself cause youre so hot that no one would believe how hot you really are.
message me back if im right, and youre actually super good looking. otherwise dont bother, lol."
i really hope hes actually a total babe. he said hes a banker, so hes probably super rich, and i could use some new shoes.
i hope kazara is ok. i think shell probably be back to post on monday. shes gonna love this post!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
The Key to Wealth is Friendship!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Most human economies are heavily affected by what you call the "stock market". I will admit, my specialty in human subjects is the Internet, not economics. Economics are very simple on my planet. Miners get paid one wage, bloggers get paid another. Politicians can pay themselves what they want, but if they get too greedy we throw them down the mine shaft. In my opinion, Earth's economy would be much stronger if it had more bottomless mine shafts.
Despite my disadvantages, I will do my best to guide you through the confusing world of online investing. Investing in the stock market is basically betting on whether or not a particular company's "stock" will do well or poorly. If you are correct, you win, and get lots of money. If you are wrong, you do not win, and you lose all of your money. It is not very different from the games at the arcade near my apartment, except that the stock market does not have a window where you can trade in your winnings for bubble gum and toys that break almost immediately.
But how can you tell which stocks will do well and which will fail? Some people hold on to the antiquated belief that a company's stock is affected by the company's performance, or how the market in general is doing. These are lies meant to fool the weak and the naive. Whether or not a stock does well or poorly depends entirely upon the whims of the gelatinous substance that is the Internet.
So what can you do to make sure your investments do well? From all appearances the Internet tries to make the stock market as random as possible. But, like all sentient beings, the Internet can certainly be influenced. If your friend is applying for a job, you will want them to get it. Likewise, if you are friends with the Internet, it will want your investments to grow. Large investment companies make money by building huge superfast computers. These computers make friends with the Internet, so that the internet will look more favorably upon the stocks the company buys.
If you cannot afford a huge superfast computer, do not despair! Your home computer can make a great friend for the Internet. You just have to give it the right incentive. Most people treat their computers like tools, which makes their computers unlikely to help them out by befriending the Internet. So make sure your computer feels appreciated. Clean it daily, and keep it in a comfortable spot, neither too hot nor too cold. Computers can be finicky like that. Take it out for ice cream or a movie sometimes. Tell it all your juiciest secrets. Invite it to parties.
Once your computer is friends with you, it will surely influence the Internet to make your stocks do well. You will then have tons of money, and can then buy more computers to influence the Internet even further. Make sure not to neglect any of them though, or they will start talking smack about you to the Internet. And if there is one thing we can say for sure about the Internet, it is that it loves gossip.
Most human economies are heavily affected by what you call the "stock market". I will admit, my specialty in human subjects is the Internet, not economics. Economics are very simple on my planet. Miners get paid one wage, bloggers get paid another. Politicians can pay themselves what they want, but if they get too greedy we throw them down the mine shaft. In my opinion, Earth's economy would be much stronger if it had more bottomless mine shafts.
Despite my disadvantages, I will do my best to guide you through the confusing world of online investing. Investing in the stock market is basically betting on whether or not a particular company's "stock" will do well or poorly. If you are correct, you win, and get lots of money. If you are wrong, you do not win, and you lose all of your money. It is not very different from the games at the arcade near my apartment, except that the stock market does not have a window where you can trade in your winnings for bubble gum and toys that break almost immediately.
But how can you tell which stocks will do well and which will fail? Some people hold on to the antiquated belief that a company's stock is affected by the company's performance, or how the market in general is doing. These are lies meant to fool the weak and the naive. Whether or not a stock does well or poorly depends entirely upon the whims of the gelatinous substance that is the Internet.
So what can you do to make sure your investments do well? From all appearances the Internet tries to make the stock market as random as possible. But, like all sentient beings, the Internet can certainly be influenced. If your friend is applying for a job, you will want them to get it. Likewise, if you are friends with the Internet, it will want your investments to grow. Large investment companies make money by building huge superfast computers. These computers make friends with the Internet, so that the internet will look more favorably upon the stocks the company buys.
If you cannot afford a huge superfast computer, do not despair! Your home computer can make a great friend for the Internet. You just have to give it the right incentive. Most people treat their computers like tools, which makes their computers unlikely to help them out by befriending the Internet. So make sure your computer feels appreciated. Clean it daily, and keep it in a comfortable spot, neither too hot nor too cold. Computers can be finicky like that. Take it out for ice cream or a movie sometimes. Tell it all your juiciest secrets. Invite it to parties.
Once your computer is friends with you, it will surely influence the Internet to make your stocks do well. You will then have tons of money, and can then buy more computers to influence the Internet even further. Make sure not to neglect any of them though, or they will start talking smack about you to the Internet. And if there is one thing we can say for sure about the Internet, it is that it loves gossip.
Monday, June 28, 2010
How to Suceed at Online Dating
ATTENTION HUMANS:
We have had an unnecessarily dramatic weekend here at my apartment. My human roommate ended relations with her Partner of Choice due to his decreasing attention to her, and increasing attention to the Internet game World of Warcraft. She knew it was a priority to him, but found she had to draw the line when he got them thrown out a movie theater for trying to play the game on his laptop during a film screening.
To keep her from moping around the apartment and eating all of my instant macaroni and cheese, I am using my vast knowledge of the Internet to help her find a new Partner of Choice using online dating websites. Here are some of the strategies I am using to find her the perfect mate.
INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE FIRST: Just like everything online, Internet dating provides you with a wealth of options. It is therefore important to know exactly what you are looking for. List all of the attributes you want in a potential mate. Don't be afraid to be too specific! There are trillions of singles online, so if you look long enough you are bound to find someone who matches every last one.
For example, here is the list I helped my roommate make:
-Must like dogs and cats.
-Must not like birds or rodents (even the cuddly ones).
-Must never look taller than me in photos, no matter what heels I wear.
-Must have swum in all five oceans (and have interesting stories about doing so!)
-Must not be able to ride a bicycle.
-Must have at least 3 scars, all with heroic tales of how they were received. Bonus points for unusual locations.
-Must be interested in marriage, and not be intimidated by the amount of wedding magazines I have stashed in my room (She has a lot. Once I tried to use some to make a paper mache monitor protector and it took three hours and a pint of ice cream to calm her down).
-Must never cry. Ever. Not at funerals, not at worldwide tragedies, wars, plagues, beheadings, or any other amputations. No exceptions.
-Must have once killed a man, though must have been honorably. Accidents are good, battles to the death even better.
She's just starting though, so I assume this list will get longer the more she sees just how many partners are available on the Internet.
INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE SECOND: Honesty is important. It is very easy to lie online, so when choosing a mate humans find it very attractive to find someone incredibly honest. You must therefore fill your profile page with exceedingly honest information. To demonstrate just how honest you are, list all of your negative qualities first. Let potential partners know that you have restless leg syndrome and think oral hygiene is overrated. Declare with joy that you have a drinking problem and are terrible in the bedroom department. Do not try to cover up bad past relationships. Give detailed accounts of how your ex left you because you were too needy and how you have never been able to love since. If you cannot think of enough negatives to use, feel free to make some up. If you are not creative enough, simply Google "things I hate in guys/girls" or better yet, "relationship deal breakers" to get some ideas.
INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE THIRD: The photograph you post on your profile is very important. Unlike dating in real life, on the Internet many potential matches will judge you entirely on appearance. Unfortunately, some people have a difficult time finding a photo that gives an accurate representation of who they really are. Maybe they do not own a camera, maybe they do not have access to good lighting equipment, maybe they have a hideous mole spanning their entire face. There are many perfectly legitimate reasons for not wanting to use a photo of yourself. Therefore, feel free to post a photograph of someone else. However, remember the importance of honesty. If you are going to use a photo of someone else be sure to let potential partners know that it is not you, and your reason for posting it.
Simply write underneath the photo something like, "the above is not me. Personally, I think I am more attractive than the person in this photograph, but my friends and relatives have advised me that I am not. Probably because of my constant sneer. However, this is a photograph of someone that I think is fairly attractive. If you also think this person is attractive, then that is already something we have in common! Do you also sneer constantly? Maybe we have that in common too! Message me today!"
If you follow these tips, I am certain that you will not fail to find true love in a timely manner.
We have had an unnecessarily dramatic weekend here at my apartment. My human roommate ended relations with her Partner of Choice due to his decreasing attention to her, and increasing attention to the Internet game World of Warcraft. She knew it was a priority to him, but found she had to draw the line when he got them thrown out a movie theater for trying to play the game on his laptop during a film screening.
To keep her from moping around the apartment and eating all of my instant macaroni and cheese, I am using my vast knowledge of the Internet to help her find a new Partner of Choice using online dating websites. Here are some of the strategies I am using to find her the perfect mate.
INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE FIRST: Just like everything online, Internet dating provides you with a wealth of options. It is therefore important to know exactly what you are looking for. List all of the attributes you want in a potential mate. Don't be afraid to be too specific! There are trillions of singles online, so if you look long enough you are bound to find someone who matches every last one.
For example, here is the list I helped my roommate make:
-Must like dogs and cats.
-Must not like birds or rodents (even the cuddly ones).
-Must never look taller than me in photos, no matter what heels I wear.
-Must have swum in all five oceans (and have interesting stories about doing so!)
-Must not be able to ride a bicycle.
-Must have at least 3 scars, all with heroic tales of how they were received. Bonus points for unusual locations.
-Must be interested in marriage, and not be intimidated by the amount of wedding magazines I have stashed in my room (She has a lot. Once I tried to use some to make a paper mache monitor protector and it took three hours and a pint of ice cream to calm her down).
-Must never cry. Ever. Not at funerals, not at worldwide tragedies, wars, plagues, beheadings, or any other amputations. No exceptions.
-Must have once killed a man, though must have been honorably. Accidents are good, battles to the death even better.
She's just starting though, so I assume this list will get longer the more she sees just how many partners are available on the Internet.
INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE SECOND: Honesty is important. It is very easy to lie online, so when choosing a mate humans find it very attractive to find someone incredibly honest. You must therefore fill your profile page with exceedingly honest information. To demonstrate just how honest you are, list all of your negative qualities first. Let potential partners know that you have restless leg syndrome and think oral hygiene is overrated. Declare with joy that you have a drinking problem and are terrible in the bedroom department. Do not try to cover up bad past relationships. Give detailed accounts of how your ex left you because you were too needy and how you have never been able to love since. If you cannot think of enough negatives to use, feel free to make some up. If you are not creative enough, simply Google "things I hate in guys/girls" or better yet, "relationship deal breakers" to get some ideas.
INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE THIRD: The photograph you post on your profile is very important. Unlike dating in real life, on the Internet many potential matches will judge you entirely on appearance. Unfortunately, some people have a difficult time finding a photo that gives an accurate representation of who they really are. Maybe they do not own a camera, maybe they do not have access to good lighting equipment, maybe they have a hideous mole spanning their entire face. There are many perfectly legitimate reasons for not wanting to use a photo of yourself. Therefore, feel free to post a photograph of someone else. However, remember the importance of honesty. If you are going to use a photo of someone else be sure to let potential partners know that it is not you, and your reason for posting it.
Simply write underneath the photo something like, "the above is not me. Personally, I think I am more attractive than the person in this photograph, but my friends and relatives have advised me that I am not. Probably because of my constant sneer. However, this is a photograph of someone that I think is fairly attractive. If you also think this person is attractive, then that is already something we have in common! Do you also sneer constantly? Maybe we have that in common too! Message me today!"
If you follow these tips, I am certain that you will not fail to find true love in a timely manner.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Why Pay For Education When the Internet Has It For Free?
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Humans put a lot of value on education. Unlike some species, they cannot simply go to the store and buy knowledge implants to upgrade their brains (or other thinking organs). They have to actually take the time to learn things, and have thus created a multi-gazillion dollar industry intended to educate their species and give their graduates degrees confirming their knowledge. And when there is a multi-gazillion dollar industry, the Internet will always become involved!
Online education is all the rage, with both the young and old, male and female, living and dead. Taking courses and getting degrees using the Internet allows humans to get the training and certification they need for their personal and professional goals from the comfort of their own homes. Many colleges and universities have special programs designed specifically to be taken over the Internet. However, these cost money, usually the same price that it would cost to take the course at the actual school.
For a less expensive alternative, there are many other Internet websites that offer the same knowledge for free. Like colleges, many are have false information and do not have a good reputation. No one will be impressed if you tell them you studied at Internet website www.awesomehistoryfacts.com. It is much better if you can tell them you studied on Wikipedia! Everyone has heard of Wikipedia, so they will be very impressed. People are impressed by things they have heard of!
There is a wide variety of subjects you can study using Internet websites! If your passion is media and communications, why not attempt a major in Youtube studies? Or if you want to take advantage of the growing medical field, you could get a Masters of WebMD. No one will give you a diploma, but that is easily fixed using the computer program Adobe Photoshop. Simply use Google Images to find a picture of the kind of diploma you feel you deserve, then photoshop in your name, major, and Internet website of study. You can then hang it on the wall of your home and or office to impress both dinner guests and prospective clients.
Imagine how this could change your business practices!
POTENTIAL CLIENT: I would like to hire your catering company for my business venture, but I am concerned by your lack of culinary experience.
YOU: Please note, sir or madam, that the wall behind me contains a minimally enhanced diploma from Internet website foodnetwork.com.
POTENTIAL CLIENT: I see! That changes everything. Also I am going to hire you.
As you see, this could potentially be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Remember, it is best to limit yourself to a few diplomas. Not only will it make them more believable, but you do not want to make people feel jealous or intimidated by your wealth of knowledge.
Humans put a lot of value on education. Unlike some species, they cannot simply go to the store and buy knowledge implants to upgrade their brains (or other thinking organs). They have to actually take the time to learn things, and have thus created a multi-gazillion dollar industry intended to educate their species and give their graduates degrees confirming their knowledge. And when there is a multi-gazillion dollar industry, the Internet will always become involved!
Online education is all the rage, with both the young and old, male and female, living and dead. Taking courses and getting degrees using the Internet allows humans to get the training and certification they need for their personal and professional goals from the comfort of their own homes. Many colleges and universities have special programs designed specifically to be taken over the Internet. However, these cost money, usually the same price that it would cost to take the course at the actual school.
For a less expensive alternative, there are many other Internet websites that offer the same knowledge for free. Like colleges, many are have false information and do not have a good reputation. No one will be impressed if you tell them you studied at Internet website www.awesomehistoryfacts.com. It is much better if you can tell them you studied on Wikipedia! Everyone has heard of Wikipedia, so they will be very impressed. People are impressed by things they have heard of!
There is a wide variety of subjects you can study using Internet websites! If your passion is media and communications, why not attempt a major in Youtube studies? Or if you want to take advantage of the growing medical field, you could get a Masters of WebMD. No one will give you a diploma, but that is easily fixed using the computer program Adobe Photoshop. Simply use Google Images to find a picture of the kind of diploma you feel you deserve, then photoshop in your name, major, and Internet website of study. You can then hang it on the wall of your home and or office to impress both dinner guests and prospective clients.
Imagine how this could change your business practices!
POTENTIAL CLIENT: I would like to hire your catering company for my business venture, but I am concerned by your lack of culinary experience.
YOU: Please note, sir or madam, that the wall behind me contains a minimally enhanced diploma from Internet website foodnetwork.com.
POTENTIAL CLIENT: I see! That changes everything. Also I am going to hire you.
As you see, this could potentially be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Remember, it is best to limit yourself to a few diplomas. Not only will it make them more believable, but you do not want to make people feel jealous or intimidated by your wealth of knowledge.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Internet Is Not Just For Humans!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Readers with high reading comprehension may have picked up on the fact that I am not as human as most bloggers. I will admit, this has caused me more than a little bit of concern. It is never a comfortable position to be the only non-human on the Internet.
Fortunately for me, it turns out I am not the only non-human on the Internet. We are everywhere! I have been investigating Internet website Facebook, and have found that many of the accounts there are for dogs, cats, even gorillas! At the Internet website Friendagorilla.org you can become online friends with a real Ugandan gorilla. However, doing so costs $1 per online gorilla friend. Gorillas, it seems, are all about the dollars. I wonder what they spend it on? Bananas can't be all that expensive in Uganda. Or maybe gorillas make such good friends that they can charge whatever they want. No matter what the price humans will still come to them, desperate for the sweet balm that only gorilla friendship can provide.
This is a huge boon for animal research! I have seen videos on Internet website Youtube of scientists attempting to communicate with animals via sign language, specially crafted machines, and other methods, with varying degrees of success. Scientists, you are wasting your time. They're all on facebook! If an animal you want to communicate with is not on facebook, do what my roommate does with her facebook reticent friends. She makes an account for them, then when they get e-mails from all the people who want to be friends with them, and all the party e-vites they get, they can't help but start using it for themselves!
Allow me to provide an example of how this can drastically impact animal husbandry. I understand that you have a particular kind of bear called a panda bear, that is extremely hard to mate in captivity. This can easily be fixed with facebook! Simply make two facebook accounts, one for the boy panda, one for the girl panda. Have all of your research staff send them friend requests. E-vite them to cool-sounding parties, be sure to make it clear there will be lots of bamboo! Maybe even buy them some gorilla friends, if you have the money. Then, have your staff make comments on the pandas' walls indicating how attractive the other panda is, and what a good match they will make. Make a facebook group entitled "People Who Think the Pandas Would Be Great Together." The pandas will not be able to resist! Within days you will see their relationship status go from "single" to "making hot panda love".
It does make me wonder how all of these animals are able to utilize the Internet so efficiently. I am fortunate that my tentacles are fairly good at typing, but paws seem like they would have a very difficult time managing a keyboard. I even found a facebook profile of someone's pet fish, and I am fairly certain that there is no way a fish could possibly type with any kind of accuracy. In addition, I have spent years studying the English language, and still have much to learn. As far as I am aware, dogs, cats and the rest do not speak English, and their lifespans do not provide them enough time to become properly fluent. The more I learn about the Internet, the more mysteries I find.
Readers with high reading comprehension may have picked up on the fact that I am not as human as most bloggers. I will admit, this has caused me more than a little bit of concern. It is never a comfortable position to be the only non-human on the Internet.
Fortunately for me, it turns out I am not the only non-human on the Internet. We are everywhere! I have been investigating Internet website Facebook, and have found that many of the accounts there are for dogs, cats, even gorillas! At the Internet website Friendagorilla.org you can become online friends with a real Ugandan gorilla. However, doing so costs $1 per online gorilla friend. Gorillas, it seems, are all about the dollars. I wonder what they spend it on? Bananas can't be all that expensive in Uganda. Or maybe gorillas make such good friends that they can charge whatever they want. No matter what the price humans will still come to them, desperate for the sweet balm that only gorilla friendship can provide.
This is a huge boon for animal research! I have seen videos on Internet website Youtube of scientists attempting to communicate with animals via sign language, specially crafted machines, and other methods, with varying degrees of success. Scientists, you are wasting your time. They're all on facebook! If an animal you want to communicate with is not on facebook, do what my roommate does with her facebook reticent friends. She makes an account for them, then when they get e-mails from all the people who want to be friends with them, and all the party e-vites they get, they can't help but start using it for themselves!
Allow me to provide an example of how this can drastically impact animal husbandry. I understand that you have a particular kind of bear called a panda bear, that is extremely hard to mate in captivity. This can easily be fixed with facebook! Simply make two facebook accounts, one for the boy panda, one for the girl panda. Have all of your research staff send them friend requests. E-vite them to cool-sounding parties, be sure to make it clear there will be lots of bamboo! Maybe even buy them some gorilla friends, if you have the money. Then, have your staff make comments on the pandas' walls indicating how attractive the other panda is, and what a good match they will make. Make a facebook group entitled "People Who Think the Pandas Would Be Great Together." The pandas will not be able to resist! Within days you will see their relationship status go from "single" to "making hot panda love".
It does make me wonder how all of these animals are able to utilize the Internet so efficiently. I am fortunate that my tentacles are fairly good at typing, but paws seem like they would have a very difficult time managing a keyboard. I even found a facebook profile of someone's pet fish, and I am fairly certain that there is no way a fish could possibly type with any kind of accuracy. In addition, I have spent years studying the English language, and still have much to learn. As far as I am aware, dogs, cats and the rest do not speak English, and their lifespans do not provide them enough time to become properly fluent. The more I learn about the Internet, the more mysteries I find.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
First Google, Then Everything You See!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
When you arose this morning, you probably thought it was just like any other day. You were wrong. Humans, today is the day this blog finally appears on Google searches. It is therefore highly unlikely that your life will ever be the same again.
When I first began this blog I was under the belief that everything can be Googled. However, when I tried to find my blog via that particular search engine I was quite surprised to find that such a feat was impossible! It seems Google takes time to add new websites to its massive directory. But now, at long last, if you type "Kazara's guide to the internet" into Google, it will come right up! Of course, you do have to include the quotes. Otherwise a multitude of other websites come first. But this is still progress!
I will not rest at this though! Hopefully soon quotes will not be necessary to make my blog appear on the first page of results! Then eventually, you can just type Kazara, and I will be first. Or just Internet! And then, when my blog has reached maximum exposure, any Google search at all will suggest my blog as the first result. It is inevitable, readers!
It makes me wonder, though. If this blog becomes even more and more exposed, will these results spill over to other websites? I know that many websites try to cater their content to what users are likely to find of interest. Perhaps, one day, if you search for a particular book on Internet website Amazon.com, the first result will be a suggestion for users to view my blog. Even completely unrelated books! Cookbook seekers will find themselves forced to consider whether they actually want recipes for meatloaf, or if their true desire is to read my tips on the Internet.
Or, say you have a mysterious fungus growing inside your ears, and attempt to search for it on Webmd.com. Perhaps, before suggesting you seek medical attention, it will advise you first consult my blog. However, I must admit, this may not be the most helpful suggestion. I do not plan on spending many posts discussing the diagnosis and treatment of ear fungi, or any other kind of fungi for that matter. So to future readers searching back through my old posts, if you have been directed here by Webmd.com I apologize, but this blog has minimal anti-fungal tips.
Maybe this system will eventually spread beyond the Internet! Perhaps at grocery stores, they will add my blog to their list of general questions! "Paper or plastic? Would you like to sign up for our discount card? Would you like to hear the latest from Kazara's Guide to the Internet?" This is a very common occurrence on my planet, and many other so-called "alien" worlds. Grocery shopping is a full day chore, mostly because of the standard questions grocery clerks are required to ask. One of the blogs I wrote back on my planet became quite popular, and before one televised athletic competition viewers were consulted as to whether they would like to view my latest entry before watching the match. None did, but it was still an honor!
On Earth, I understand that this is not usually the case. You have an advertising system that forces one to pay astronomical amounts of money in order to interrupt a televised sporting event. This seems very unfair to me. All sentient life forms ought to be able to disrupt your viewing habits with attempts to draw in your attention. Why should only the rich and powerful have the opportunity to annoy and frustrate?
When will humans learn the importance of equality?
When you arose this morning, you probably thought it was just like any other day. You were wrong. Humans, today is the day this blog finally appears on Google searches. It is therefore highly unlikely that your life will ever be the same again.
When I first began this blog I was under the belief that everything can be Googled. However, when I tried to find my blog via that particular search engine I was quite surprised to find that such a feat was impossible! It seems Google takes time to add new websites to its massive directory. But now, at long last, if you type "Kazara's guide to the internet" into Google, it will come right up! Of course, you do have to include the quotes. Otherwise a multitude of other websites come first. But this is still progress!
I will not rest at this though! Hopefully soon quotes will not be necessary to make my blog appear on the first page of results! Then eventually, you can just type Kazara, and I will be first. Or just Internet! And then, when my blog has reached maximum exposure, any Google search at all will suggest my blog as the first result. It is inevitable, readers!
It makes me wonder, though. If this blog becomes even more and more exposed, will these results spill over to other websites? I know that many websites try to cater their content to what users are likely to find of interest. Perhaps, one day, if you search for a particular book on Internet website Amazon.com, the first result will be a suggestion for users to view my blog. Even completely unrelated books! Cookbook seekers will find themselves forced to consider whether they actually want recipes for meatloaf, or if their true desire is to read my tips on the Internet.
Or, say you have a mysterious fungus growing inside your ears, and attempt to search for it on Webmd.com. Perhaps, before suggesting you seek medical attention, it will advise you first consult my blog. However, I must admit, this may not be the most helpful suggestion. I do not plan on spending many posts discussing the diagnosis and treatment of ear fungi, or any other kind of fungi for that matter. So to future readers searching back through my old posts, if you have been directed here by Webmd.com I apologize, but this blog has minimal anti-fungal tips.
Maybe this system will eventually spread beyond the Internet! Perhaps at grocery stores, they will add my blog to their list of general questions! "Paper or plastic? Would you like to sign up for our discount card? Would you like to hear the latest from Kazara's Guide to the Internet?" This is a very common occurrence on my planet, and many other so-called "alien" worlds. Grocery shopping is a full day chore, mostly because of the standard questions grocery clerks are required to ask. One of the blogs I wrote back on my planet became quite popular, and before one televised athletic competition viewers were consulted as to whether they would like to view my latest entry before watching the match. None did, but it was still an honor!
On Earth, I understand that this is not usually the case. You have an advertising system that forces one to pay astronomical amounts of money in order to interrupt a televised sporting event. This seems very unfair to me. All sentient life forms ought to be able to disrupt your viewing habits with attempts to draw in your attention. Why should only the rich and powerful have the opportunity to annoy and frustrate?
When will humans learn the importance of equality?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Pirates Are Stealing My Internet!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
The Internet is a great source of entertainment! Almost anything you can see, hear, read, or experience can all be obtained directly onto your computer. However, this plethora of content threatened daily by the terrors of Internet Piracy.
I used to think that Internet Piracy was a myth, meant to scare children and the elderly. But now I know better. Just recently I tried to listen to a song by The Strokes on Internet website Youtube, only to find a message stating "This video contains content from Sony Music Entertainment, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds". I know what this really means. The Strokes hit song Reptilia has been stolen by Internet Pirates!
Well, at least on the Internet. I checked at my local CD store, and they still had a copy. And Amazon.com claims that CD's can be purchased from their Internet website. However, I have no yet confirmed this, and know better than to believe everything I read on the Internet. So for now, the song seems to be safe. But for how long? Will the day come soon when Internet Pirates will develop methods to steal our music and movies from our very homes? Will I come home one day to find my bookshelf empty, with a sign informing me that my books have been blocked on copyright grounds?
Something has to be done. In my experience on your planet and others, the solution is not to fight the problem, but to profit from it. I therefore intend to join the ranks of these nefarious Internet Pirates. I have performed extensive research on Google Images, and have determined that to become an Internet Pirate I need the following:
-A Cutlass
-Some variety of tropical pet. I am unsure as to how strict Internet Pirates are as to the specific type. Most pirates prefer parrots or monkeys, but I am not too fond of them. I, however, would much rather have a pet jellyfish. I find them to be absolutely adorable, and since we are genetically similar I think I would get along splendidly with a pet jellyfish.
-At least one missing appendage or vital organ. Typically eye, leg or hand. My species does not have a liver, I wonder if that would be an acceptable loss. I would rather not amputate one of my tentacles, and suspect that a peg tentacle would not work as well as a peg leg.
-A scurvy crew. This should be the easiest one. You can find humans willing to do anything on Internet website Craigslist. "Join a crew of illegal miscreants. Cutlass not provided" would possibly be one of the more normal ads listed.
-A seaworthy vessel also appears to be a necessity. I am not sure why, as travel through the Internet does not seem to require a vehicle. However, I will admit that I do not know much about how Internet Piracy works, and it is very possible that nautical crafts have some media sharing capabilities I have not considered. I was a little displeased, however, to find how expensive most boats on E-bay cost. I wonder if a bicycle would be sufficient. Then I could put a little basket and bell onto it as well, which I think would be very appropriate for a pirate.
The Internet is a great source of entertainment! Almost anything you can see, hear, read, or experience can all be obtained directly onto your computer. However, this plethora of content threatened daily by the terrors of Internet Piracy.
I used to think that Internet Piracy was a myth, meant to scare children and the elderly. But now I know better. Just recently I tried to listen to a song by The Strokes on Internet website Youtube, only to find a message stating "This video contains content from Sony Music Entertainment, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds". I know what this really means. The Strokes hit song Reptilia has been stolen by Internet Pirates!
Well, at least on the Internet. I checked at my local CD store, and they still had a copy. And Amazon.com claims that CD's can be purchased from their Internet website. However, I have no yet confirmed this, and know better than to believe everything I read on the Internet. So for now, the song seems to be safe. But for how long? Will the day come soon when Internet Pirates will develop methods to steal our music and movies from our very homes? Will I come home one day to find my bookshelf empty, with a sign informing me that my books have been blocked on copyright grounds?
Something has to be done. In my experience on your planet and others, the solution is not to fight the problem, but to profit from it. I therefore intend to join the ranks of these nefarious Internet Pirates. I have performed extensive research on Google Images, and have determined that to become an Internet Pirate I need the following:
-A Cutlass
-Some variety of tropical pet. I am unsure as to how strict Internet Pirates are as to the specific type. Most pirates prefer parrots or monkeys, but I am not too fond of them. I, however, would much rather have a pet jellyfish. I find them to be absolutely adorable, and since we are genetically similar I think I would get along splendidly with a pet jellyfish.
-At least one missing appendage or vital organ. Typically eye, leg or hand. My species does not have a liver, I wonder if that would be an acceptable loss. I would rather not amputate one of my tentacles, and suspect that a peg tentacle would not work as well as a peg leg.
-A scurvy crew. This should be the easiest one. You can find humans willing to do anything on Internet website Craigslist. "Join a crew of illegal miscreants. Cutlass not provided" would possibly be one of the more normal ads listed.
-A seaworthy vessel also appears to be a necessity. I am not sure why, as travel through the Internet does not seem to require a vehicle. However, I will admit that I do not know much about how Internet Piracy works, and it is very possible that nautical crafts have some media sharing capabilities I have not considered. I was a little displeased, however, to find how expensive most boats on E-bay cost. I wonder if a bicycle would be sufficient. Then I could put a little basket and bell onto it as well, which I think would be very appropriate for a pirate.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Beware of Robot Friends!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Friendship would be a very difficult thing on Earth without the Internet. There would be no way to meet new people, no way to keep track of their current contact information, and no way to keep track of your friends current status. A human without access to the Internet will likely have few friends, and those it does have will mainly be cats.
Due to a misunderstanding on my home planet I cannot keep in touch with my old friends, so I am attempting to make new, human friends. And lucky for me, I am making progress! I have recently utilized the Internet to make some human friends, bloggers ToasterFaerie and Alexis of Roses. They even posted about my blog, making us very good friends!
As important as the Internet is for lasting friendships, you must still be careful. The Internet is polluted with computer programs that seem like real people, but are in fact only robots, or "bots", trying to steal your personal information or convince you to make unwise purchases. Scams are fine on vacation, but during the work week they are totally unacceptable! Thus, before you get too close to your online friends, make sure they are not robots.
This is more difficult than it sounds. Robots can be programmed to sound just like humans. They will use phrases like "What's up?" and "Check this out!", lulling you into a false sense of security. Do not be fooled by their congenial manners, they are only after your money. To help you tell the difference, I have compiled some simple procedures you can implement to be certain that you are not accidentally befriending a robot.
PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE FIRST: Google its name plus "scam", "scandal" and "robot". Perhaps one of its other victims has tried to warn the Internet of the robot's true identity.
PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE SECOND: Ask it very intimate questions, the kind only a sentient, emotionally-capable life form could properly answer. Ask for its deepest darkest secrets. Ask it to describe, in detail, its most embarrassing moment. If it is a human (or alien), it will be able to provide compelling answers. If it is a robot, it will likely respond with something like "My biggest secret is that I like movies," or "My most embarrassing moment was when I bought a calendar." These are typical robot answers.
PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE THIRD: Ask for its personal information, such as bank account number, social security number, and mother's maiden name. A robot will not have these. To make sure it is not giving you fake information, see if you can use what it gave you to get a credit card or loan. If your new Internet friend refuses to give you this information, then your friend is definitely a robot.
PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE FOURTH: Attempt to communicate with it in Robot and see if it answers. Use binary or programming codes. Or, if you are not fluent in any of the Robotic tongues, put concepts and phrases into your conversations that a robot might respond to. Mention being in need of an oil change, if your friend responds "Me too, my turbo boosters are starting to rust", then it is a robot.
If your friend is a robot you can still be friends with it. But you can never trust it again.
Friendship would be a very difficult thing on Earth without the Internet. There would be no way to meet new people, no way to keep track of their current contact information, and no way to keep track of your friends current status. A human without access to the Internet will likely have few friends, and those it does have will mainly be cats.
Due to a misunderstanding on my home planet I cannot keep in touch with my old friends, so I am attempting to make new, human friends. And lucky for me, I am making progress! I have recently utilized the Internet to make some human friends, bloggers ToasterFaerie and Alexis of Roses. They even posted about my blog, making us very good friends!
As important as the Internet is for lasting friendships, you must still be careful. The Internet is polluted with computer programs that seem like real people, but are in fact only robots, or "bots", trying to steal your personal information or convince you to make unwise purchases. Scams are fine on vacation, but during the work week they are totally unacceptable! Thus, before you get too close to your online friends, make sure they are not robots.
This is more difficult than it sounds. Robots can be programmed to sound just like humans. They will use phrases like "What's up?" and "Check this out!", lulling you into a false sense of security. Do not be fooled by their congenial manners, they are only after your money. To help you tell the difference, I have compiled some simple procedures you can implement to be certain that you are not accidentally befriending a robot.
PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE FIRST: Google its name plus "scam", "scandal" and "robot". Perhaps one of its other victims has tried to warn the Internet of the robot's true identity.
PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE SECOND: Ask it very intimate questions, the kind only a sentient, emotionally-capable life form could properly answer. Ask for its deepest darkest secrets. Ask it to describe, in detail, its most embarrassing moment. If it is a human (or alien), it will be able to provide compelling answers. If it is a robot, it will likely respond with something like "My biggest secret is that I like movies," or "My most embarrassing moment was when I bought a calendar." These are typical robot answers.
PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE THIRD: Ask for its personal information, such as bank account number, social security number, and mother's maiden name. A robot will not have these. To make sure it is not giving you fake information, see if you can use what it gave you to get a credit card or loan. If your new Internet friend refuses to give you this information, then your friend is definitely a robot.
PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE FOURTH: Attempt to communicate with it in Robot and see if it answers. Use binary or programming codes. Or, if you are not fluent in any of the Robotic tongues, put concepts and phrases into your conversations that a robot might respond to. Mention being in need of an oil change, if your friend responds "Me too, my turbo boosters are starting to rust", then it is a robot.
If your friend is a robot you can still be friends with it. But you can never trust it again.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Authentic Cyber Vacation
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Many of your species are planning to take advantage of your planet's warmer season to go on vacations. For some, this will take them to the other side of the Earth, while for others, it will only be down the street. For me, it will be right here in front of my computer.
How, you ask? Using the Internet! The Internet has all I need to take an authentic-feeling trip to anywhere in the World! I'll start out by downloading some pictures of exotic locations and Googling foreign recipes to cook. Some humans might be satisfied with this, but I like to go a little further.
Traveling lets you experiences Earth's multitude of varied and interesting languages. I can replicate this by turning the language settings on my computer to a language I do not speak, providing myself with hours of entertainment! Even simple tasks like trying to open a new window can become excruciatingly difficult. I might even delete important information without meaning to. Oops! I also like to go to chat rooms and forums for native speakers of a different language and try to communicate with them. If they have difficulty understanding me, I type in all caps to make it easier for them.
But to get that feeling of a cheap motel in a dinghy area, nothing beats E-Bay. E-Bay is a wonderful website that can be used to purchase anything! Nuclear materials, organs, illegal drugs, priceless artifacts, anything! While on my cyber vacation, I use it to purchase used sheets and dirty water. With any luck I might catch some diseases from them! I have been trying to find sheets and water for sale with guaranteed diseases, but no such luck yet. If any readers know of a reputable website that can sell me diseased bedding, please let me know! I do not wish to experience once of your more deadly Earth diseases, just something that will provide me with a light skin rash or stomach infection for a few solar cycles.
Towards the end of my vacation, I like to get taken in by an Internet scam. Humans often encounter pick pockets, muggers, and con artists on their overseas excursions, and I don't want my cyber vacation to be any different. There are always so many to chose from, that I can take as many trips as I want without fear of having to resort to the same scam twice! Then when my vacation is over I can call my bank and credit card companies and explain that my cards were lost while traveling. It is so much fun! Last year, I gave my bank account number to a fraudulent gentleman claiming to be part of a Russian investment company. This year I'm hoping for something involving a fake charity, but I'm not ruling out Nigerian princes! You have to be willing to try new things while on vacation.
Many of your species are planning to take advantage of your planet's warmer season to go on vacations. For some, this will take them to the other side of the Earth, while for others, it will only be down the street. For me, it will be right here in front of my computer.
How, you ask? Using the Internet! The Internet has all I need to take an authentic-feeling trip to anywhere in the World! I'll start out by downloading some pictures of exotic locations and Googling foreign recipes to cook. Some humans might be satisfied with this, but I like to go a little further.
Traveling lets you experiences Earth's multitude of varied and interesting languages. I can replicate this by turning the language settings on my computer to a language I do not speak, providing myself with hours of entertainment! Even simple tasks like trying to open a new window can become excruciatingly difficult. I might even delete important information without meaning to. Oops! I also like to go to chat rooms and forums for native speakers of a different language and try to communicate with them. If they have difficulty understanding me, I type in all caps to make it easier for them.
But to get that feeling of a cheap motel in a dinghy area, nothing beats E-Bay. E-Bay is a wonderful website that can be used to purchase anything! Nuclear materials, organs, illegal drugs, priceless artifacts, anything! While on my cyber vacation, I use it to purchase used sheets and dirty water. With any luck I might catch some diseases from them! I have been trying to find sheets and water for sale with guaranteed diseases, but no such luck yet. If any readers know of a reputable website that can sell me diseased bedding, please let me know! I do not wish to experience once of your more deadly Earth diseases, just something that will provide me with a light skin rash or stomach infection for a few solar cycles.
Towards the end of my vacation, I like to get taken in by an Internet scam. Humans often encounter pick pockets, muggers, and con artists on their overseas excursions, and I don't want my cyber vacation to be any different. There are always so many to chose from, that I can take as many trips as I want without fear of having to resort to the same scam twice! Then when my vacation is over I can call my bank and credit card companies and explain that my cards were lost while traveling. It is so much fun! Last year, I gave my bank account number to a fraudulent gentleman claiming to be part of a Russian investment company. This year I'm hoping for something involving a fake charity, but I'm not ruling out Nigerian princes! You have to be willing to try new things while on vacation.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Disappointed By the Negotiator
ATTENTION HUMANS:
If you read my last post, then you will know that I have just signed up for an account on the Internet website Twitter. I understand it is typical to "follow" other Twitter Users, so I searched around for Twitter Users of Interest. While searching for humans whose lives I care about, I came across the Twitter account of "The Negotiator" of "Priceline Negotiator" fame.
How excited I was! I am a huge fan of his Commercial Videos. I believe they are connected to some sort of travel website. I have never visited the website, but I greatly enjoy that little man's zest for life and bargains! Sometimes he convinces vacationers not to settle for full price plane tickets! Sometimes he talks hotels into giving outrageous discounts! I cannot get enough!
So when I saw that he was a Twitter user like myself I hastily became a follower. I was eager to read details of his adventures in deal hunting. But that is not what I received! Instead, the Negotiator's Twitter Feed is almost entirely invitations to become his Facebook fan, with the promise of a potential $35 if he gets enough fans. Readers, I do not want $35. I want stories about a man whose heart is set on the lowest hotel rate possible!
Twitter gives me the option not to follow him any more. However, I refuse to give up on him. I will keep reading The Negotiator's Twitter, on the off chance that he finally realizes that what the world needs is to read about his quest for less expensive travel.
Never forget humans, dreams are important.
If you read my last post, then you will know that I have just signed up for an account on the Internet website Twitter. I understand it is typical to "follow" other Twitter Users, so I searched around for Twitter Users of Interest. While searching for humans whose lives I care about, I came across the Twitter account of "The Negotiator" of "Priceline Negotiator" fame.
How excited I was! I am a huge fan of his Commercial Videos. I believe they are connected to some sort of travel website. I have never visited the website, but I greatly enjoy that little man's zest for life and bargains! Sometimes he convinces vacationers not to settle for full price plane tickets! Sometimes he talks hotels into giving outrageous discounts! I cannot get enough!
So when I saw that he was a Twitter user like myself I hastily became a follower. I was eager to read details of his adventures in deal hunting. But that is not what I received! Instead, the Negotiator's Twitter Feed is almost entirely invitations to become his Facebook fan, with the promise of a potential $35 if he gets enough fans. Readers, I do not want $35. I want stories about a man whose heart is set on the lowest hotel rate possible!
Twitter gives me the option not to follow him any more. However, I refuse to give up on him. I will keep reading The Negotiator's Twitter, on the off chance that he finally realizes that what the world needs is to read about his quest for less expensive travel.
Never forget humans, dreams are important.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
How To Use Twitter To Improve Home Security
ATTENTION HUMANS:
It will interest you all to know that from this day forward you can access my wealth of knowledge on the Internet website Twitter! You can view my Twitter Internet Account here.
Twitter is a wonderful resource. For those of you unfamiliar with it, or suffering from temporary memory loss, Twitter is an Internet website that allows users to view descriptions of random, often insignificant experiences in the lives of friends, family, celebrities, and complete strangers. I have spent many an afternoon memorizing the daily routines of humans I've never even met! It's fascinating!
Though entertaining, Twitter also poses a wealth of dangers. For example, say one weekend I hear some former colleagues of mine from my home planet are coming to visit, and I suddenly need to get out of town for a few days to avoid them. I might be tempted to post a Tweet something like this:
"Due to unforeseen circumstances I will not be residing at my usual dwelling for the next few solar cycles. For urgent matters, feel free to communicate via mobile cellular telephone device. That is all!"
This would be great for keeping my friends and well-wishers updated of my situation. But what about when I get home, to find all my worldly possessions stolen? Not a pleasant outcome!
So when using Twitter, be sure to make it impossible for potential burglars to know when your dwelling will be most vulnerable. Which is why, in the previous situation, I would post something like this:
"Looking forward to a nice night of watching my front door with a shotgun."
That is much less likely to result in home invasion! Who wants to rob a house currently being guarded by a resident watching the door with a shotgun? Moreover, who wants to antagonize the kind of person who would stay home one a Friday night watching the door with a shotgun? My home will be safe and sound!
But be careful not to write the same thing every time you go out of town, or burglars will start to catch on! Mix it up a little!
"Having my karate class over for dinner tonight. I asked them to bring extra nunchucks."
"Working up my tolerance to various poisonous gases this weekend. How toxic my apartment will be!"
"Just bought a vicious tiger. He's getting along great with my ferocious jaguar!"
No one would want to burgle a dwelling under any of those situations! Of course, it is possible for potential thieves to find out you are bluffing. To avoid this, you must make it a possibility that you are telling the truth. Purchase a shotgun, and spend some evenings watching the front door with it. Adopt a vicious tiger, or, failing that, a ferocious jaguar.
Stay safe readers! And I hope you enjoy my new Twitter feed!
It will interest you all to know that from this day forward you can access my wealth of knowledge on the Internet website Twitter! You can view my Twitter Internet Account here.
Twitter is a wonderful resource. For those of you unfamiliar with it, or suffering from temporary memory loss, Twitter is an Internet website that allows users to view descriptions of random, often insignificant experiences in the lives of friends, family, celebrities, and complete strangers. I have spent many an afternoon memorizing the daily routines of humans I've never even met! It's fascinating!
Though entertaining, Twitter also poses a wealth of dangers. For example, say one weekend I hear some former colleagues of mine from my home planet are coming to visit, and I suddenly need to get out of town for a few days to avoid them. I might be tempted to post a Tweet something like this:
"Due to unforeseen circumstances I will not be residing at my usual dwelling for the next few solar cycles. For urgent matters, feel free to communicate via mobile cellular telephone device. That is all!"
This would be great for keeping my friends and well-wishers updated of my situation. But what about when I get home, to find all my worldly possessions stolen? Not a pleasant outcome!
So when using Twitter, be sure to make it impossible for potential burglars to know when your dwelling will be most vulnerable. Which is why, in the previous situation, I would post something like this:
"Looking forward to a nice night of watching my front door with a shotgun."
That is much less likely to result in home invasion! Who wants to rob a house currently being guarded by a resident watching the door with a shotgun? Moreover, who wants to antagonize the kind of person who would stay home one a Friday night watching the door with a shotgun? My home will be safe and sound!
But be careful not to write the same thing every time you go out of town, or burglars will start to catch on! Mix it up a little!
"Having my karate class over for dinner tonight. I asked them to bring extra nunchucks."
"Working up my tolerance to various poisonous gases this weekend. How toxic my apartment will be!"
"Just bought a vicious tiger. He's getting along great with my ferocious jaguar!"
No one would want to burgle a dwelling under any of those situations! Of course, it is possible for potential thieves to find out you are bluffing. To avoid this, you must make it a possibility that you are telling the truth. Purchase a shotgun, and spend some evenings watching the front door with it. Adopt a vicious tiger, or, failing that, a ferocious jaguar.
Stay safe readers! And I hope you enjoy my new Twitter feed!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Using the Internet to Find Employment!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
With any luck my previous entry has changed your life, and you are now rich and famous enough to pay someone to navigate the Internet for you.
If this is not the case, do not despair! I will continue to give you advice about the Internet.
From my research, it seems there is a significant lack of employment in this part of the World. On my planet employment is not a problem. We have many large mines that need all the hands they can get. For members of my species unfit to work in the mines, there are always ample opportunities for bloggers. It is a good system.
On your planet, however, it seems blogging does not automatically pay. I was surprised to find that when I posted my last entry a check did not immediately print out. It turns out your planet is even more different from mine than I had at first imagined!
But I will not despair, and neither should you if you are looking for work. Why? Because the Internet is the perfect tool to find employment! There are numerous Internet websites designed to help humans find jobs, such as Craigslist, Monster, and Careerfinder. You can just put random, career related words together and they will likely be the name of a website eager to find you a job! Jobhelp! Moneymake! I'll bet those exist! Alternatively, you can find the website of a company you would like to work for, then send them e-mail after e-mail until they realize you are the perfect employee for them! I recommend at least five a day, so they know that you are serious.
To see just how easy it is to find a job, I did a quick job search using several popular Internet websites, and came across this juicy opportunity.
Our company is seeking a qualified phlebotomist. Must be skilled in Venipuncture, High Volume Sticks, Pediatrics, Geriatrics. Salary based on experience.
Sounds like a great job! Before e-mailing the company, I did a quick search on Internet website "google", and found that a good job search strategy is to learn more about the position for which one is applying.
I therefore sent the company the following e-mail:
"ATTENTION HUMAN:
You should hire me to be your Phlebotomist. I am an expert in Phlebotomy and contain all of the qualities necessary to lead your business in successful world domination. Before explaining how I shall do this, I require definitions to the following terms:
Phlebotomist
Venipuncture
High Volume Sticks
Pediatrics
Geriatrics
Salary
Sub Prime Mortgage (this doesn't have to do with your position. I've been curious for a while and wondered if you could explain it to me)
That is all!
Yours Truly,
Kazara From the Internet"
I eagerly await their response!
With any luck my previous entry has changed your life, and you are now rich and famous enough to pay someone to navigate the Internet for you.
If this is not the case, do not despair! I will continue to give you advice about the Internet.
From my research, it seems there is a significant lack of employment in this part of the World. On my planet employment is not a problem. We have many large mines that need all the hands they can get. For members of my species unfit to work in the mines, there are always ample opportunities for bloggers. It is a good system.
On your planet, however, it seems blogging does not automatically pay. I was surprised to find that when I posted my last entry a check did not immediately print out. It turns out your planet is even more different from mine than I had at first imagined!
But I will not despair, and neither should you if you are looking for work. Why? Because the Internet is the perfect tool to find employment! There are numerous Internet websites designed to help humans find jobs, such as Craigslist, Monster, and Careerfinder. You can just put random, career related words together and they will likely be the name of a website eager to find you a job! Jobhelp! Moneymake! I'll bet those exist! Alternatively, you can find the website of a company you would like to work for, then send them e-mail after e-mail until they realize you are the perfect employee for them! I recommend at least five a day, so they know that you are serious.
To see just how easy it is to find a job, I did a quick job search using several popular Internet websites, and came across this juicy opportunity.
Our company is seeking a qualified phlebotomist. Must be skilled in Venipuncture, High Volume Sticks, Pediatrics, Geriatrics. Salary based on experience.
Sounds like a great job! Before e-mailing the company, I did a quick search on Internet website "google", and found that a good job search strategy is to learn more about the position for which one is applying.
I therefore sent the company the following e-mail:
"ATTENTION HUMAN:
You should hire me to be your Phlebotomist. I am an expert in Phlebotomy and contain all of the qualities necessary to lead your business in successful world domination. Before explaining how I shall do this, I require definitions to the following terms:
Phlebotomist
Venipuncture
High Volume Sticks
Pediatrics
Geriatrics
Salary
Sub Prime Mortgage (this doesn't have to do with your position. I've been curious for a while and wondered if you could explain it to me)
That is all!
Yours Truly,
Kazara From the Internet"
I eagerly await their response!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Greetings Earth!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Since coming to Earth, I have noticed that the Internet is a confusing and dangerous place. Humans having a much lower average IQ than my species, I decided that I will do mankind a favor and write a comprehensive guide to utilizing this strange substance in a safe and beneficial manner. I have had some success blogging for my own species, and am confident I can provide your planet with an excellent resource on the Internet.
To begin with, I shall go over some basic Internet questions.
Most internet dangers revolve around strangers acquiring information that you would rather they not have. Once in possession of this information, a rogue Interneter has the ability to drain your bank accounts, ransack your dwelling, and replace all music on your mp3 player with the soundtrack from the musical CATS. To avoid this, simply create an Internet persona that is the complete opposite of yourself. If you are a 28-year-old female nurse, announce to the internet that you are an 82-year-old male executioner. If you are passionate about the environment and volunteer at an animal shelter, be sure everyone on the internet thinks you are an oil company lobbyist and run over puppies with your oversized sport utility vehicle in your spare time.
Common sense is therefore underrated on your planet. But fear not! You now have my blog to help your species fully utilize your underused Internet resources. Stick with me, and unimaginable happiness and prosperity will be yours in no time!
Since coming to Earth, I have noticed that the Internet is a confusing and dangerous place. Humans having a much lower average IQ than my species, I decided that I will do mankind a favor and write a comprehensive guide to utilizing this strange substance in a safe and beneficial manner. I have had some success blogging for my own species, and am confident I can provide your planet with an excellent resource on the Internet.
To begin with, I shall go over some basic Internet questions.
BASIC INTERNET QUESTION THE FIRST: What is the Internet?
The Internet is a gelatinous substance found at the Earth's core that, when combined with a human-created device called a computer, provides access to a bounty of knowledge, games, shopping experiences, and pornography. Humans have some control over its content, but for the most part this substance has a life of its own.
The purposes of this gelatinous substance for providing such services is currently under investigation. The amount of false information and cyber bullying on the Internet leads one to believe that its purposes cannot be entirely altruistic. However, we can deduce that the Internet's purposes cannot be entirely malignant either, based on of my exhaustive research on lolcats (for reference, see this informational website). A malicious life form could not possibly have such appreciation for fluffy kitties. Trust me, I have visited several planets inhabited by highly vicious beings, and to date none of them have shown the slightest appreciation for an obese mammal's repeated demands for cheeseburgers.
The Internet is a gelatinous substance found at the Earth's core that, when combined with a human-created device called a computer, provides access to a bounty of knowledge, games, shopping experiences, and pornography. Humans have some control over its content, but for the most part this substance has a life of its own.
The purposes of this gelatinous substance for providing such services is currently under investigation. The amount of false information and cyber bullying on the Internet leads one to believe that its purposes cannot be entirely altruistic. However, we can deduce that the Internet's purposes cannot be entirely malignant either, based on of my exhaustive research on lolcats (for reference, see this informational website)
BASIC INTERNET QUESTION THE SECOND: How can I stay safe on the internet?
It is a well-known fact that the internet cannot affect you if you cover the top of your head with a layer of aluminum foil. However, some humans have a large family, and cannot afford to cover everyone's head with the required amount. My human roommate has also refused this safe advise, because it causes defects in her hair. So if you have numerous progeny or hair that requires an excess of two and a half hours to style, do not despair!Most internet dangers revolve around strangers acquiring information that you would rather they not have. Once in possession of this information, a rogue Interneter has the ability to drain your bank accounts, ransack your dwelling, and replace all music on your mp3 player with the soundtrack from the musical CATS. To avoid this, simply create an Internet persona that is the complete opposite of yourself. If you are a 28-year-old female nurse, announce to the internet that you are an 82-year-old male executioner. If you are passionate about the environment and volunteer at an animal shelter, be sure everyone on the internet thinks you are an oil company lobbyist and run over puppies with your oversized sport utility vehicle in your spare time.
BASIC INTERNET QUESTION THE THIRD: How can I use the Internet to become famous?
Many average Earth citizens have utilized the communicative power of the Internet to become celebrities. You will find it is not hard to do!
Many average Earth citizens have utilized the communicative power of the Internet to become celebrities. You will find it is not hard to do!
First you must purchase a video capturing device. Second, you must record yourself in front of said video device. For your convenience, I found some examples on the YouTube Internet website.
This girl filmed some friends and herself performing a dance routine.
This girl filmed some friends and herself performing a dance routine.
This boy filmed himself telling some jokes in his living room. He lives in a very strange house.
These people are huge celebrities, but no one had any idea who they were before they posted videos of themselves on YouTube!
I must admit, it does sometimes confuse me why more humans aren't rich and famous, when it is so easy to do! My roommate tells me that video capturing devices do not come cheap, which seems to be her excuse for not being rich and famous. But considering what a good payout they have, I cannot imagine why more people do not make the investment! Common sense is therefore underrated on your planet. But fear not! You now have my blog to help your species fully utilize your underused Internet resources. Stick with me, and unimaginable happiness and prosperity will be yours in no time!
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