ATTENTION HUMANS:
One thing I have learned about you humans is that there are a lot of you. Every time I leave my apartment, I see so many humans! At the movies, at the mall, sifting through the garbage in the parking lot. You are everywhere!
It is therefore incredibly difficult for humans to keep up with each other. There is a common urban legend about an old woman who died and wasn't discovered for months simply because she had not taken the energy to keep up with her acquaintances. Clearly, she had not been fully utilizing the potential of the Internet!
With the Internet, there is no need to lose touch with anyone. Allow me to show you how. First, pick someone from your past with whom you would like to reconnect. It is helpful to know their first and last name. Then go to Internet website Google, or another the search engine if you prefer. Type in the person's name, and give it a search! If this person's name is common, you can add their interests, career goals, or romantic interest from when you knew them.
For example, say in high school you dated John Smith, but he dumped you for Griselda Teal. Last you knew they were still together. Maybe they got married."John Smith" will get you lots of results, but "John and Griselda Smith" helps you narrow it down! If you knew John wanted to be a lawyer, you could even search for "John and Grizelda Smith"+"lawyer" for even more specific results. With any luck, you can even find their address and give them a visit. What a nice surprise that will be for them!
Or maybe when you were a child and living in Savannah, Georgia you lived next door to the Taylor family. You used to play with their children, but can't remember their first names. Taylor is a common last name for a human to have, so if you are not creative you will never hear from those people again. But if you remember that the son had some violent tendencies and seemed headed for trouble, then you can search for "Savannah, Georgia"+"Taylor"+"police report". You have a much higher chance of finding him! You can even put in searches for the particular kind of violent behavior he seemed to prefer. How fun!
Obviously you would want to be careful about getting in touch with someone like that, for safety reasons, but it sure would be entertaining to see what kind of shenanigans they got into in their adult lives!
Facebook is also a great way to reconnect with people. Facebook keeps trying to make it easier for people to find each other's private information, for friendship purposes, but as usual "the man" is trying to keep them from helping humans connect. Regulators keep trying to make it easier for facebook users to set their privacy at unnecessary levels.
This paranoia causes most people to keep their facebook information as private as possible. Some of them won't even show up in searches! But do not despair. Many users neglect to update their privacy settings, and facebook keeps changing its settings, making it easy for the vigilant friend to keep in touch.
This may seem like stalking, but it's not. Stalking is when the person doesn't want you to know about them. But your friends will want you to know all about what they're up to! It's what good friends do.
My roommate also says I should note that stalking has legal ramifications. Be safe, readers. Don't let your quest for friendship cross the legal boundary from pleasant well-wisher to criminal activity.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
The Key to Wealth is Friendship!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Most human economies are heavily affected by what you call the "stock market". I will admit, my specialty in human subjects is the Internet, not economics. Economics are very simple on my planet. Miners get paid one wage, bloggers get paid another. Politicians can pay themselves what they want, but if they get too greedy we throw them down the mine shaft. In my opinion, Earth's economy would be much stronger if it had more bottomless mine shafts.
Despite my disadvantages, I will do my best to guide you through the confusing world of online investing. Investing in the stock market is basically betting on whether or not a particular company's "stock" will do well or poorly. If you are correct, you win, and get lots of money. If you are wrong, you do not win, and you lose all of your money. It is not very different from the games at the arcade near my apartment, except that the stock market does not have a window where you can trade in your winnings for bubble gum and toys that break almost immediately.
But how can you tell which stocks will do well and which will fail? Some people hold on to the antiquated belief that a company's stock is affected by the company's performance, or how the market in general is doing. These are lies meant to fool the weak and the naive. Whether or not a stock does well or poorly depends entirely upon the whims of the gelatinous substance that is the Internet.
So what can you do to make sure your investments do well? From all appearances the Internet tries to make the stock market as random as possible. But, like all sentient beings, the Internet can certainly be influenced. If your friend is applying for a job, you will want them to get it. Likewise, if you are friends with the Internet, it will want your investments to grow. Large investment companies make money by building huge superfast computers. These computers make friends with the Internet, so that the internet will look more favorably upon the stocks the company buys.
If you cannot afford a huge superfast computer, do not despair! Your home computer can make a great friend for the Internet. You just have to give it the right incentive. Most people treat their computers like tools, which makes their computers unlikely to help them out by befriending the Internet. So make sure your computer feels appreciated. Clean it daily, and keep it in a comfortable spot, neither too hot nor too cold. Computers can be finicky like that. Take it out for ice cream or a movie sometimes. Tell it all your juiciest secrets. Invite it to parties.
Once your computer is friends with you, it will surely influence the Internet to make your stocks do well. You will then have tons of money, and can then buy more computers to influence the Internet even further. Make sure not to neglect any of them though, or they will start talking smack about you to the Internet. And if there is one thing we can say for sure about the Internet, it is that it loves gossip.
Most human economies are heavily affected by what you call the "stock market". I will admit, my specialty in human subjects is the Internet, not economics. Economics are very simple on my planet. Miners get paid one wage, bloggers get paid another. Politicians can pay themselves what they want, but if they get too greedy we throw them down the mine shaft. In my opinion, Earth's economy would be much stronger if it had more bottomless mine shafts.
Despite my disadvantages, I will do my best to guide you through the confusing world of online investing. Investing in the stock market is basically betting on whether or not a particular company's "stock" will do well or poorly. If you are correct, you win, and get lots of money. If you are wrong, you do not win, and you lose all of your money. It is not very different from the games at the arcade near my apartment, except that the stock market does not have a window where you can trade in your winnings for bubble gum and toys that break almost immediately.
But how can you tell which stocks will do well and which will fail? Some people hold on to the antiquated belief that a company's stock is affected by the company's performance, or how the market in general is doing. These are lies meant to fool the weak and the naive. Whether or not a stock does well or poorly depends entirely upon the whims of the gelatinous substance that is the Internet.
So what can you do to make sure your investments do well? From all appearances the Internet tries to make the stock market as random as possible. But, like all sentient beings, the Internet can certainly be influenced. If your friend is applying for a job, you will want them to get it. Likewise, if you are friends with the Internet, it will want your investments to grow. Large investment companies make money by building huge superfast computers. These computers make friends with the Internet, so that the internet will look more favorably upon the stocks the company buys.
If you cannot afford a huge superfast computer, do not despair! Your home computer can make a great friend for the Internet. You just have to give it the right incentive. Most people treat their computers like tools, which makes their computers unlikely to help them out by befriending the Internet. So make sure your computer feels appreciated. Clean it daily, and keep it in a comfortable spot, neither too hot nor too cold. Computers can be finicky like that. Take it out for ice cream or a movie sometimes. Tell it all your juiciest secrets. Invite it to parties.
Once your computer is friends with you, it will surely influence the Internet to make your stocks do well. You will then have tons of money, and can then buy more computers to influence the Internet even further. Make sure not to neglect any of them though, or they will start talking smack about you to the Internet. And if there is one thing we can say for sure about the Internet, it is that it loves gossip.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
