Pirates Are Stealing My Internet!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

The Internet is a great source of entertainment! Almost anything you can see, hear, read, or experience can all be obtained directly onto your computer. However, this plethora of content threatened daily by the terrors of Internet Piracy.

I used to think that Internet Piracy was a myth, meant to scare children and the elderly. But now I know better. Just recently I tried to listen to a song by The Strokes on Internet website Youtube, only to find a message stating "This video contains content from Sony Music Entertainment, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds". I know what this really means. The Strokes hit song Reptilia has been stolen by Internet Pirates!

Well, at least on the Internet. I checked at my local CD store, and they still had a copy. And Amazon.com claims that CD's can be purchased from their Internet website. However, I have no yet confirmed this, and know better than to believe everything I read on the Internet. So for now, the song seems to be safe. But for how long? Will the day come soon when Internet Pirates will develop methods to steal our music and movies from our very homes? Will I come home one day to find my bookshelf empty, with a sign informing me that my books have been blocked on copyright grounds?

Something has to be done. In my experience on your planet and others, the solution is not to fight the problem, but to profit from it. I therefore intend to join the ranks of these nefarious Internet Pirates. I have performed extensive research on Google Images, and have determined that to become an Internet Pirate I need the following:

-A Cutlass

-Some variety of tropical pet. I am unsure as to how strict Internet Pirates are as to the specific type. Most pirates prefer parrots or monkeys, but I am not too fond of them. I, however, would much rather have a pet jellyfish. I find them to be absolutely adorable, and since we are genetically similar I think I would get along splendidly with a pet jellyfish.

-At least one missing appendage or vital organ. Typically eye, leg or hand. My species does not have a liver, I wonder if that would be an acceptable loss. I would rather not amputate one of my tentacles, and suspect that a peg tentacle would not work as well as a peg leg.

-A scurvy crew. This should be the easiest one. You can find humans willing to do anything on Internet website Craigslist. "Join a crew of illegal miscreants. Cutlass not provided" would possibly be one of the more normal ads listed.

-A seaworthy vessel also appears to be a necessity. I am not sure why, as travel through the Internet does not seem to require a vehicle. However, I will admit that I do not know much about how Internet Piracy works, and it is very possible that nautical crafts have some media sharing capabilities I have not considered. I was a little displeased, however, to find how expensive most boats on E-bay cost. I wonder if a bicycle would be sufficient. Then I could put a little basket and bell onto it as well, which I think would be very appropriate for a pirate.

Authentic Cyber Vacation

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Many of your species are planning to take advantage of your planet's warmer season to go on vacations. For some, this will take them to the other side of the Earth, while for others, it will only be down the street. For me, it will be right here in front of my computer.

How, you ask? Using the Internet! The Internet has all I need to take an authentic-feeling trip to anywhere in the World! I'll start out by downloading some pictures of exotic locations and Googling foreign recipes to cook. Some humans might be satisfied with this, but I like to go a little further.

Traveling lets you experiences Earth's multitude of varied and interesting languages. I can replicate this by turning the language settings on my computer to a language I do not speak, providing myself with hours of entertainment! Even simple tasks like trying to open a new window can become excruciatingly difficult. I might even delete important information without meaning to. Oops! I also like to go to chat rooms and forums for native speakers of a different language and try to communicate with them. If they have difficulty understanding me, I type in all caps to make it easier for them.

But to get that feeling of a cheap motel in a dinghy area, nothing beats E-Bay. E-Bay is a wonderful website that can be used to purchase anything! Nuclear materials, organs, illegal drugs, priceless artifacts, anything! While on my cyber vacation, I use it to purchase used sheets and dirty water. With any luck I might catch some diseases from them! I have been trying to find sheets and water for sale with guaranteed diseases, but no such luck yet. If any readers know of a reputable website that can sell me diseased bedding, please let me know! I do not wish to experience once of your more deadly Earth diseases, just something that will provide me with a light skin rash or stomach infection for a few solar cycles.

Towards the end of my vacation, I like to get taken in by an Internet scam. Humans often encounter pick pockets, muggers, and con artists on their overseas excursions, and I don't want my cyber vacation to be any different. There are always so many to chose from, that I can take as many trips as I want without fear of having to resort to the same scam twice! Then when my vacation is over I can call my bank and credit card companies and explain that my cards were lost while traveling. It is so much fun! Last year, I gave my bank account number to a fraudulent gentleman claiming to be part of a Russian investment company. This year I'm hoping for something involving a fake charity, but I'm not ruling out Nigerian princes! You have to be willing to try new things while on vacation.