Authentic Cyber Vacation

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Many of your species are planning to take advantage of your planet's warmer season to go on vacations. For some, this will take them to the other side of the Earth, while for others, it will only be down the street. For me, it will be right here in front of my computer.

How, you ask? Using the Internet! The Internet has all I need to take an authentic-feeling trip to anywhere in the World! I'll start out by downloading some pictures of exotic locations and Googling foreign recipes to cook. Some humans might be satisfied with this, but I like to go a little further.

Traveling lets you experiences Earth's multitude of varied and interesting languages. I can replicate this by turning the language settings on my computer to a language I do not speak, providing myself with hours of entertainment! Even simple tasks like trying to open a new window can become excruciatingly difficult. I might even delete important information without meaning to. Oops! I also like to go to chat rooms and forums for native speakers of a different language and try to communicate with them. If they have difficulty understanding me, I type in all caps to make it easier for them.

But to get that feeling of a cheap motel in a dinghy area, nothing beats E-Bay. E-Bay is a wonderful website that can be used to purchase anything! Nuclear materials, organs, illegal drugs, priceless artifacts, anything! While on my cyber vacation, I use it to purchase used sheets and dirty water. With any luck I might catch some diseases from them! I have been trying to find sheets and water for sale with guaranteed diseases, but no such luck yet. If any readers know of a reputable website that can sell me diseased bedding, please let me know! I do not wish to experience once of your more deadly Earth diseases, just something that will provide me with a light skin rash or stomach infection for a few solar cycles.

Towards the end of my vacation, I like to get taken in by an Internet scam. Humans often encounter pick pockets, muggers, and con artists on their overseas excursions, and I don't want my cyber vacation to be any different. There are always so many to chose from, that I can take as many trips as I want without fear of having to resort to the same scam twice! Then when my vacation is over I can call my bank and credit card companies and explain that my cards were lost while traveling. It is so much fun! Last year, I gave my bank account number to a fraudulent gentleman claiming to be part of a Russian investment company. This year I'm hoping for something involving a fake charity, but I'm not ruling out Nigerian princes! You have to be willing to try new things while on vacation.