How to Suceed at Online Dating

ATTENTION HUMANS:

We have had an unnecessarily dramatic weekend here at my apartment. My human roommate ended relations with her Partner of Choice due to his decreasing attention to her, and increasing attention to the Internet game World of Warcraft. She knew it was a priority to him, but found she had to draw the line when he got them thrown out a movie theater for trying to play the game on his laptop during a film screening.

To keep her from moping around the apartment and eating all of my instant macaroni and cheese, I am using my vast knowledge of the Internet to help her find a new Partner of Choice using online dating websites. Here are some of the strategies I am using to find her the perfect mate.

INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE FIRST: Just like everything online, Internet dating provides you with a wealth of options. It is therefore important to know exactly what you are looking for. List all of the attributes you want in a potential mate. Don't be afraid to be too specific! There are trillions of singles online, so if you look long enough you are bound to find someone who matches every last one.

For example, here is the list I helped my roommate make:
-Must like dogs and cats.
-Must not like birds or rodents (even the cuddly ones).
-Must never look taller than me in photos, no matter what heels I wear.
-Must have swum in all five oceans (and have interesting stories about doing so!)
-Must not be able to ride a bicycle.
-Must have at least 3 scars, all with heroic tales of how they were received. Bonus points for unusual locations.
-Must be interested in marriage, and not be intimidated by the amount of wedding magazines I have stashed in my room (She has a lot. Once I tried to use some to make a paper mache monitor protector and it took three hours and a pint of ice cream to calm her down).
-Must never cry. Ever. Not at funerals, not at worldwide tragedies, wars, plagues, beheadings, or any other amputations. No exceptions.
-Must have once killed a man, though must have been honorably. Accidents are good, battles to the death even better.

She's just starting though, so I assume this list will get longer the more she sees just how many partners are available on the Internet.

INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE SECOND: Honesty is important. It is very easy to lie online, so when choosing a mate humans find it very attractive to find someone incredibly honest. You must therefore fill your profile page with exceedingly honest information. To demonstrate just how honest you are, list all of your negative qualities first. Let potential partners know that you have restless leg syndrome and think oral hygiene is overrated. Declare with joy that you have a drinking problem and are terrible in the bedroom department. Do not try to cover up bad past relationships. Give detailed accounts of how your ex left you because you were too needy and how you have never been able to love since. If you cannot think of enough negatives to use, feel free to make some up. If you are not creative enough, simply Google "things I hate in guys/girls" or better yet, "relationship deal breakers" to get some ideas.

INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE THIRD: The photograph you post on your profile is very important. Unlike dating in real life, on the Internet many potential matches will judge you entirely on appearance. Unfortunately, some people have a difficult time finding a photo that gives an accurate representation of who they really are. Maybe they do not own a camera, maybe they do not have access to good lighting equipment, maybe they have a hideous mole spanning their entire face. There are many perfectly legitimate reasons for not wanting to use a photo of yourself. Therefore, feel free to post a photograph of someone else. However, remember the importance of honesty. If you are going to use a photo of someone else be sure to let potential partners know that it is not you, and your reason for posting it.

Simply write underneath the photo something like, "the above is not me. Personally, I think I am more attractive than the person in this photograph, but my friends and relatives have advised me that I am not. Probably because of my constant sneer. However, this is a photograph of someone that I think is fairly attractive. If you also think this person is attractive, then that is already something we have in common! Do you also sneer constantly? Maybe we have that in common too! Message me today!"

If you follow these tips, I am certain that you will not fail to find true love in a timely manner.