If you read my last entry, then you know that I was debating accepting a friend request from an acquaintance from my home planet. I decided to go ahead and friend Ponzor, and was fortunately able to find controls in Facebook that allowed me to block what information he can see. I chose to block most of it, just to be safe. I do wish Facebook gave me the option of having just him see fake information. I could replace my real info with fake info, but then all of my existing Facebook friends would be mislead. It's an option, but not the best option. It would definitely make me feel more comfortable if he thought I lived in another state.
Another much more important problem is that he appears to have far more Facebook friends than I do. I find this distressing. I do not want to look like a loser! Especially if he is still talking to other members of our species! I burned a lot of bridges there, and many of them think I am a selfish liar, but I at least want them to think that I am a popular selfish liar!
Right now I have eight Facebook friends. My roommate, her boyfriend, two of my neighbors, a couple of people I met online, my banker and my baker (I see them quite often since opening an online bank account!) This is not enough! Now that I know I can control what info friends see I have gone on a quest to get as many Facebook friends as I can. And not just any Facebook friends. I don't want my home planet to think I am friends with just any humans. I want them to think I am friends with the most extraordinary humans available! I may even de-friend my roommate for this reason. She is not all that extraordinary, despite what she tells the mirror when she thinks I am not home.
Fortunately, the Internet does not limit me to mediocre friends! Many famous actors, singers, and dead politicians are actively seeking Facebook friends. Famous people are desperate for Internet friendships and will make friends with just about anyone. I looked at some of the pictures of other people that were friends with celebrities, and I can guarantee they are not very selective. I just hope no one from my home planet realizes that!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Facebook Has Failed Me!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
The Internet can be very frustrating at times.
As some of you may remember, I am not originally from Earth. A miscommunication on my planet caused me to relocate here a few months ago. Since then I haven't kept in touch with anyone from back home, fearing that it would be awkward and incriminating. So imagine my surprise and dismay when a former acquaintance sends me a Facebook friend request! I was quite shocked! Under location it says he is on Earth, in my same city in fact! I had no idea there were any of my species on Earth besides me.
Unfortunately, to see any more of his information I would have to confirm his friends request. But if I do that, then he can see all of my information! I am very reluctant to do that! I don't know if he has an ulterior motive to friending me. Is he trying to write a rival blog? Is he trying to steal my trophy for "Best Blogger of the Year"? He's dreaming if he thinks I'm giving that back!
Maybe if I friend him then immediately unfriend him I can find out what he's doing on Earth. But what if he's online during that slim window, and is able to look at my information? That would be terrible! Or what if Facebook malfunctions, and doesn't actually unfriend him? These are important questions!
Sometimes I am saddened by how little information Facebook allows me to find out about others. For example, I recently friended one of my neighbors. I have been extremely curious lately why her apartment smells like vanilla sometimes when I pass by. Is she baking? Is that just a scented candle or room fragrance? I have to know! Yet her Facebook reveals no hints! And when I google her name plus vanilla, nothing comes up! I wish Facebook had a feature where they would find out these important questions for me, and post them on her Facebook page.
Of course, I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me, so perhaps this desire is selfish. Still, I believe in technology, and I will never abandon the hope that it will make all of my wildest dreams come true, no matter how illogical.
The Internet can be very frustrating at times.
As some of you may remember, I am not originally from Earth. A miscommunication on my planet caused me to relocate here a few months ago. Since then I haven't kept in touch with anyone from back home, fearing that it would be awkward and incriminating. So imagine my surprise and dismay when a former acquaintance sends me a Facebook friend request! I was quite shocked! Under location it says he is on Earth, in my same city in fact! I had no idea there were any of my species on Earth besides me.
Unfortunately, to see any more of his information I would have to confirm his friends request. But if I do that, then he can see all of my information! I am very reluctant to do that! I don't know if he has an ulterior motive to friending me. Is he trying to write a rival blog? Is he trying to steal my trophy for "Best Blogger of the Year"? He's dreaming if he thinks I'm giving that back!
Maybe if I friend him then immediately unfriend him I can find out what he's doing on Earth. But what if he's online during that slim window, and is able to look at my information? That would be terrible! Or what if Facebook malfunctions, and doesn't actually unfriend him? These are important questions!
Sometimes I am saddened by how little information Facebook allows me to find out about others. For example, I recently friended one of my neighbors. I have been extremely curious lately why her apartment smells like vanilla sometimes when I pass by. Is she baking? Is that just a scented candle or room fragrance? I have to know! Yet her Facebook reveals no hints! And when I google her name plus vanilla, nothing comes up! I wish Facebook had a feature where they would find out these important questions for me, and post them on her Facebook page.
Of course, I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me, so perhaps this desire is selfish. Still, I believe in technology, and I will never abandon the hope that it will make all of my wildest dreams come true, no matter how illogical.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Online Banking Saves Time and Obtains Pastry!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
I love online banking! It is so fun and easy! It seems like all humans are now using the Internet to transport and store their dollars, but just in case any of my readers missed the boat, I will explain it to you!
Most banks now offer an online component in addition to their usual services. You can use their website to set it up, then manage your funds from the convenience of your living room. First, use the Internet to research which bank works best for you. Be sure to factor in which bank has a location closest to your apartment, just in case you need to go there in person. My bank is just one block away. So convenient! It's also right next to the doughnut shop, so on the extremely rare occasion that I should need to physically travel to the bank I can reward myself with a delicious pastry.
Once you have chosen your bank you will need to set up an account there. I think you can do this online, but the website confused me so I went down to the bank and did it in person. Then, once you're back home with a bag of Boston creams in hand, you are in a great position to go on your computer and set up your online account. If you find this is as complicated as I did, don't worry. If you go back to the bank they will be happy to explain it to you, and the doughnut shop will only be a little judgmental when you buy some bear claws to go with the Boston creams.
One of the most important aspects of an online bank account is security. Part of this is the bank's responsibility, but part of it is up to you. Be sure to chose passwords and security questions that are hard to guess. Industrious hackers have robots that can guess trillions of possible passwords a minute. I can only imagine that with their guessing capabilities, a game of robot charades must be very strange. I doubt I could keep up!
Many websites have tutorials on how to make difficult to guess passwords by using tricks such as using ordinary words, like replacing "a" with "@" or "o" with "0", or putting numbers in illogical places. I take security particularly seriously, so I went back to the bank to get them to help me pick a good password. I also got some input from the owner of the doughnut shop. I'm not an expert in human facial expressions, but I don't think she bought my excuse that my roommate came down with a strange strain of the flu that makes her need sugar to keep her fever down.
You can then use your computer to see what's going on with your bank account. This can help you to be sure not to take out more money than you have, and it can also help you keep scammers away from your money. If you see any suspicious activity, such as charges to shops you've never been to or withdrawals you did not make, you can call the bank and let them know you are being robbed.
Or, if you're not sure whether or not the charges are legitimate, you can go to the bank in person and discuss it with a bank teller. You should do this even if you have the vaguest suspicion that something strange might be going on. Safety first. And on your way home, you can stop by the doughnut shop again! Unfortunately, at this point the owner will likely tell you that you've had enough for one day. I will admit, this is a significant downside of online banking.
And there you have it! A simple, easy way to manage your bank account thanks to the Internet! It's so convenient to be able to monitor everything right on your home computer. In fact, it might be a little too convenient. I just set up online banking a couple of days ago and I've already gained three pounds from all the convenience!
I love online banking! It is so fun and easy! It seems like all humans are now using the Internet to transport and store their dollars, but just in case any of my readers missed the boat, I will explain it to you!
Most banks now offer an online component in addition to their usual services. You can use their website to set it up, then manage your funds from the convenience of your living room. First, use the Internet to research which bank works best for you. Be sure to factor in which bank has a location closest to your apartment, just in case you need to go there in person. My bank is just one block away. So convenient! It's also right next to the doughnut shop, so on the extremely rare occasion that I should need to physically travel to the bank I can reward myself with a delicious pastry.
Once you have chosen your bank you will need to set up an account there. I think you can do this online, but the website confused me so I went down to the bank and did it in person. Then, once you're back home with a bag of Boston creams in hand, you are in a great position to go on your computer and set up your online account. If you find this is as complicated as I did, don't worry. If you go back to the bank they will be happy to explain it to you, and the doughnut shop will only be a little judgmental when you buy some bear claws to go with the Boston creams.
One of the most important aspects of an online bank account is security. Part of this is the bank's responsibility, but part of it is up to you. Be sure to chose passwords and security questions that are hard to guess. Industrious hackers have robots that can guess trillions of possible passwords a minute. I can only imagine that with their guessing capabilities, a game of robot charades must be very strange. I doubt I could keep up!
Many websites have tutorials on how to make difficult to guess passwords by using tricks such as using ordinary words, like replacing "a" with "@" or "o" with "0", or putting numbers in illogical places. I take security particularly seriously, so I went back to the bank to get them to help me pick a good password. I also got some input from the owner of the doughnut shop. I'm not an expert in human facial expressions, but I don't think she bought my excuse that my roommate came down with a strange strain of the flu that makes her need sugar to keep her fever down.
You can then use your computer to see what's going on with your bank account. This can help you to be sure not to take out more money than you have, and it can also help you keep scammers away from your money. If you see any suspicious activity, such as charges to shops you've never been to or withdrawals you did not make, you can call the bank and let them know you are being robbed.
Or, if you're not sure whether or not the charges are legitimate, you can go to the bank in person and discuss it with a bank teller. You should do this even if you have the vaguest suspicion that something strange might be going on. Safety first. And on your way home, you can stop by the doughnut shop again! Unfortunately, at this point the owner will likely tell you that you've had enough for one day. I will admit, this is a significant downside of online banking.
And there you have it! A simple, easy way to manage your bank account thanks to the Internet! It's so convenient to be able to monitor everything right on your home computer. In fact, it might be a little too convenient. I just set up online banking a couple of days ago and I've already gained three pounds from all the convenience!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The Past Need Not Be the Past Anymore!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
One thing I have learned about you humans is that there are a lot of you. Every time I leave my apartment, I see so many humans! At the movies, at the mall, sifting through the garbage in the parking lot. You are everywhere!
It is therefore incredibly difficult for humans to keep up with each other. There is a common urban legend about an old woman who died and wasn't discovered for months simply because she had not taken the energy to keep up with her acquaintances. Clearly, she had not been fully utilizing the potential of the Internet!
With the Internet, there is no need to lose touch with anyone. Allow me to show you how. First, pick someone from your past with whom you would like to reconnect. It is helpful to know their first and last name. Then go to Internet website Google, or another the search engine if you prefer. Type in the person's name, and give it a search! If this person's name is common, you can add their interests, career goals, or romantic interest from when you knew them.
For example, say in high school you dated John Smith, but he dumped you for Griselda Teal. Last you knew they were still together. Maybe they got married."John Smith" will get you lots of results, but "John and Griselda Smith" helps you narrow it down! If you knew John wanted to be a lawyer, you could even search for "John and Grizelda Smith"+"lawyer" for even more specific results. With any luck, you can even find their address and give them a visit. What a nice surprise that will be for them!
Or maybe when you were a child and living in Savannah, Georgia you lived next door to the Taylor family. You used to play with their children, but can't remember their first names. Taylor is a common last name for a human to have, so if you are not creative you will never hear from those people again. But if you remember that the son had some violent tendencies and seemed headed for trouble, then you can search for "Savannah, Georgia"+"Taylor"+"police report". You have a much higher chance of finding him! You can even put in searches for the particular kind of violent behavior he seemed to prefer. How fun!
Obviously you would want to be careful about getting in touch with someone like that, for safety reasons, but it sure would be entertaining to see what kind of shenanigans they got into in their adult lives!
Facebook is also a great way to reconnect with people. Facebook keeps trying to make it easier for people to find each other's private information, for friendship purposes, but as usual "the man" is trying to keep them from helping humans connect. Regulators keep trying to make it easier for facebook users to set their privacy at unnecessary levels.
This paranoia causes most people to keep their facebook information as private as possible. Some of them won't even show up in searches! But do not despair. Many users neglect to update their privacy settings, and facebook keeps changing its settings, making it easy for the vigilant friend to keep in touch.
This may seem like stalking, but it's not. Stalking is when the person doesn't want you to know about them. But your friends will want you to know all about what they're up to! It's what good friends do.
My roommate also says I should note that stalking has legal ramifications. Be safe, readers. Don't let your quest for friendship cross the legal boundary from pleasant well-wisher to criminal activity.
One thing I have learned about you humans is that there are a lot of you. Every time I leave my apartment, I see so many humans! At the movies, at the mall, sifting through the garbage in the parking lot. You are everywhere!
It is therefore incredibly difficult for humans to keep up with each other. There is a common urban legend about an old woman who died and wasn't discovered for months simply because she had not taken the energy to keep up with her acquaintances. Clearly, she had not been fully utilizing the potential of the Internet!
With the Internet, there is no need to lose touch with anyone. Allow me to show you how. First, pick someone from your past with whom you would like to reconnect. It is helpful to know their first and last name. Then go to Internet website Google, or another the search engine if you prefer. Type in the person's name, and give it a search! If this person's name is common, you can add their interests, career goals, or romantic interest from when you knew them.
For example, say in high school you dated John Smith, but he dumped you for Griselda Teal. Last you knew they were still together. Maybe they got married."John Smith" will get you lots of results, but "John and Griselda Smith" helps you narrow it down! If you knew John wanted to be a lawyer, you could even search for "John and Grizelda Smith"+"lawyer" for even more specific results. With any luck, you can even find their address and give them a visit. What a nice surprise that will be for them!
Or maybe when you were a child and living in Savannah, Georgia you lived next door to the Taylor family. You used to play with their children, but can't remember their first names. Taylor is a common last name for a human to have, so if you are not creative you will never hear from those people again. But if you remember that the son had some violent tendencies and seemed headed for trouble, then you can search for "Savannah, Georgia"+"Taylor"+"police report". You have a much higher chance of finding him! You can even put in searches for the particular kind of violent behavior he seemed to prefer. How fun!
Obviously you would want to be careful about getting in touch with someone like that, for safety reasons, but it sure would be entertaining to see what kind of shenanigans they got into in their adult lives!
Facebook is also a great way to reconnect with people. Facebook keeps trying to make it easier for people to find each other's private information, for friendship purposes, but as usual "the man" is trying to keep them from helping humans connect. Regulators keep trying to make it easier for facebook users to set their privacy at unnecessary levels.
This paranoia causes most people to keep their facebook information as private as possible. Some of them won't even show up in searches! But do not despair. Many users neglect to update their privacy settings, and facebook keeps changing its settings, making it easy for the vigilant friend to keep in touch.
This may seem like stalking, but it's not. Stalking is when the person doesn't want you to know about them. But your friends will want you to know all about what they're up to! It's what good friends do.
My roommate also says I should note that stalking has legal ramifications. Be safe, readers. Don't let your quest for friendship cross the legal boundary from pleasant well-wisher to criminal activity.
Monday, August 9, 2010
How to Use E-Books
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Have you ever tripped over a pile of inconveniently placed books in your home? Have you ever been reading a favorite book and ruined it by spilling coffee all over the cover? Do not despair! Those days are officially over, thanks to e-books!
E-books are nothing like e-bay, despite their similar sounding names. E-books are books you read on the computer instead of on boring old paper. You can also read them on specially made devices like kindle or i-pad.
How do e-books work? It is very simple! Simply go to whichever Internet website you usually use for ordering books. Amazon, Barnes and Nobles, Borders, it really doesn't matter. Feel free to use shady dealers as well, just be open to the idea of having your credit card number stolen. Order a hardcover or paperback edition of the book you want to read on your computer/e-reader. In a few days time you will find it delivered to your house.
Once in your possession, you can proceed to type the contents of the book, word for word, into a word processing problem. And you're done! Wasn't that easy? No you can save the file and open it up whenever you want to read it! You can throw away the original book, or burn it, or donate it to charity. Whatever you want, it's your book, and thanks to your computer you no longer need it for reading!
Publishing companies are pretty strict that you have to do the typing yourself though. It is illegal to post books you typed up onto the Internet for other people to download. I think it's a laziness issue. The Internet is so convenient, it is making humans extremely lazy. Being able to download books other people have typed up will only make this problem worse.
However, if you absolutely do not have the time, or if your laziness exceeds all reasonable expectations, there is a loophole. If you download a book directly from an Internet website that the publishing company has approved and pay a small fine (usually about the cost of the original book), they will look the other way and allow you to read the book on a computer without having to type it up yourself.
I will admit, so far I have not tried either approach. I started typing up my new copy of a Janet Evonovich mystery, but then I got a hand cramp and just read the paperback I was typing from. This definitely makes me see the value of paying the publisher's fee, and having them type the book for you. No wonder it is getting so popular!
Laziness is a problem that needs to be solved. Just as soon as we get around to it.
Have you ever tripped over a pile of inconveniently placed books in your home? Have you ever been reading a favorite book and ruined it by spilling coffee all over the cover? Do not despair! Those days are officially over, thanks to e-books!
E-books are nothing like e-bay, despite their similar sounding names. E-books are books you read on the computer instead of on boring old paper. You can also read them on specially made devices like kindle or i-pad.
How do e-books work? It is very simple! Simply go to whichever Internet website you usually use for ordering books. Amazon, Barnes and Nobles, Borders, it really doesn't matter. Feel free to use shady dealers as well, just be open to the idea of having your credit card number stolen. Order a hardcover or paperback edition of the book you want to read on your computer/e-reader. In a few days time you will find it delivered to your house.
Once in your possession, you can proceed to type the contents of the book, word for word, into a word processing problem. And you're done! Wasn't that easy? No you can save the file and open it up whenever you want to read it! You can throw away the original book, or burn it, or donate it to charity. Whatever you want, it's your book, and thanks to your computer you no longer need it for reading!
Publishing companies are pretty strict that you have to do the typing yourself though. It is illegal to post books you typed up onto the Internet for other people to download. I think it's a laziness issue. The Internet is so convenient, it is making humans extremely lazy. Being able to download books other people have typed up will only make this problem worse.
However, if you absolutely do not have the time, or if your laziness exceeds all reasonable expectations, there is a loophole. If you download a book directly from an Internet website that the publishing company has approved and pay a small fine (usually about the cost of the original book), they will look the other way and allow you to read the book on a computer without having to type it up yourself.
I will admit, so far I have not tried either approach. I started typing up my new copy of a Janet Evonovich mystery, but then I got a hand cramp and just read the paperback I was typing from. This definitely makes me see the value of paying the publisher's fee, and having them type the book for you. No wonder it is getting so popular!
Laziness is a problem that needs to be solved. Just as soon as we get around to it.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Kazara From Coast to Coast!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Today I looked at my Google Analytics results, and to my delight, I found that several international viewers have strolled by my blog! I am currently residing in the United States (don't tell scammers!!), and thus am afraid that my observations about the cultural impact of the Internet are mainly limited to American society.
This ends TODAY!
To increase my international audience, I will attempt to be provide more coverage on issues affecting readers from differing cultural viewpoints.
For example, for my Russian readers (which I HAVE), I hear a court in Komsomolsk-on-Amur has demanded the local Internet provider block Internet website Youtube for having videos promoting ethnic hatred. As humans and as Russians, how does this make you feel? Happy? Sad? Hungry? For me, it's mostly hungry. My apartment is out of groceries. But also perplexed. On the one hand, I really like Youtube. There's videos of baby animals, people's home movies that are a little too personal to be posted, and tutorials that can teach my pretty much anything. Last week I learned how to field strip a riffle!
On the other hand, I like Youtube a little too much. I spend way too much time on it. I've been intending to go grocery shopping for days, but every time I try to walk out the door I suddenly find myself wondering how to identify an Asian Long-horned Beetle, or what a baby Emu looks like. I could starve if this keeps up! Perhaps Komsomolsk-on-Amur will become a new center of innovation and technology, its residents no longer distracted by constant access to funny and/or disturbing videos.
I also see I have some visits from the Netherlands. Hello, Dutch readers! If you have not already heard, it may interest you to know that Dutch firm Elephant Talk Communications just announced that it is going to launch a new text dependent AND text independent biometric voice verification technology, called VALid-SVP. How exciting! I hope to see these in my local electronics store soon, as I suspect one of my neighbors has been stealing my mail. This is twice now that I haven't received my issue of The Economist. I don't read it, mind you, but it has a very soothing typeface. VALid-SVP could be the perfect solution to my problem!
I have to ask though, how can it be text dependent and text independent at the same time? Not that I know what either one means, but it stands to reason that you cannot be dependent AND independent of something. No offense, Netherlands, your technology sounds amazing, but you need to make up your mind about this text dependency issue!
American readers, do not despair! I will continue to provide Internet advice for you as well. There is plenty of Kazara to go round!
Today I looked at my Google Analytics results, and to my delight, I found that several international viewers have strolled by my blog! I am currently residing in the United States (don't tell scammers!!), and thus am afraid that my observations about the cultural impact of the Internet are mainly limited to American society.
This ends TODAY!
To increase my international audience, I will attempt to be provide more coverage on issues affecting readers from differing cultural viewpoints.
For example, for my Russian readers (which I HAVE), I hear a court in Komsomolsk-on-Amur has demanded the local Internet provider block Internet website Youtube for having videos promoting ethnic hatred. As humans and as Russians, how does this make you feel? Happy? Sad? Hungry? For me, it's mostly hungry. My apartment is out of groceries. But also perplexed. On the one hand, I really like Youtube. There's videos of baby animals, people's home movies that are a little too personal to be posted, and tutorials that can teach my pretty much anything. Last week I learned how to field strip a riffle!
On the other hand, I like Youtube a little too much. I spend way too much time on it. I've been intending to go grocery shopping for days, but every time I try to walk out the door I suddenly find myself wondering how to identify an Asian Long-horned Beetle, or what a baby Emu looks like. I could starve if this keeps up! Perhaps Komsomolsk-on-Amur will become a new center of innovation and technology, its residents no longer distracted by constant access to funny and/or disturbing videos.
I also see I have some visits from the Netherlands. Hello, Dutch readers! If you have not already heard, it may interest you to know that Dutch firm Elephant Talk Communications just announced that it is going to launch a new text dependent AND text independent biometric voice verification technology, called VALid-SVP. How exciting! I hope to see these in my local electronics store soon, as I suspect one of my neighbors has been stealing my mail. This is twice now that I haven't received my issue of The Economist. I don't read it, mind you, but it has a very soothing typeface. VALid-SVP could be the perfect solution to my problem!
I have to ask though, how can it be text dependent and text independent at the same time? Not that I know what either one means, but it stands to reason that you cannot be dependent AND independent of something. No offense, Netherlands, your technology sounds amazing, but you need to make up your mind about this text dependency issue!
American readers, do not despair! I will continue to provide Internet advice for you as well. There is plenty of Kazara to go round!
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