Freecycle your way to true love!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

I have decided that online dating is a horrible thing, designed only to torment its users' roommates. If you have been reading my blog, then you will remember that my roommate recently dumped her boyfriend who lived a short drive away because he kept ditching her to play World of Warcraft. She quickly met another boyfriend using online dating websites.

This new boyfriend ditches her for World of Warcraft just as much, only now instead of getting into fights at his apartment, she gets into fights with him on Skype. From our living room. The room where I enjoy activities such as eating cereal, watching television, and reading magazines. That space is now constantly full of whining, ranting, and crying. It's terrible.

I have thus decided that my roommate needs a new boyfriend, one who lives close enough for her to go fight with him in person and not in our apartment. To do this, naturally I am using the Internet. My roommate's problem is that she does not know enough eligible men. But I can find her some using the Internet! This time, I will not make the mistake of using dating websites, especially because my roommate claims that she is happy with her current boyfriend and doesn't want me finding a new one for her. So this time I am using Internet website Freecycle.org.

Freecycle is a great Internet website. You put in where you live, and the website directs you to a yahoo!group for that area. Once you join, you can post what you want to give away for free, or what you want to get for free. Other posters then respond to your demands. When I saw this website, I immediately thought it would be the great way to find my roommate a convenient new boyfriend.

The strategy is simple. I post on Internet website Freecycle that I am looking for a random household item. When an eligible-sounding man responds, I ask my roommate to help me pick up the item. She is bound to fall in love with at least one of these generous strangers!

So far it has not been going so well. I blame the men. It is very difficult to tell from a yahoo!groups profile whether or not a man is a good catch. Many of the men have been smelly, or old, or married! My roommate has not fallen for any of them, and I cannot blame her. In addition, our apartment is slowly filling up with unwanted furniture and I will eventually run out of space for new things.

I have therefore decided I need to be a little more specific in my Freecycle postings. Here is what I just posted to my local Freecycle yahoo!group.

"ATTENTION FREECYCLERS:

My roommate and I are in search of a sexy single looking to get rid of his ironing board. Maybe you associate it with bad memories and want it gone, or maybe you had an ironing accident that has left you with interesting scars. However, if you are simply sloppy and don't care how you look anymore, do not bother, we do not want you. Please include a photo (of yourself, not the ironing board) and a list of your five favorite romantic comedies.

P.S. Must not play World of Warcraft. NO EXCEPTIONS."



I think this is going good places! I suppose it does sound a little creepy, but if you go through your whole life without ever sounding a little creepy, then you will never have your living room to yourself again.

hey guyz! kazaras not here but its okay!

attention everyone!

so kazara isnt here right now. this is her awesome roommate posting for her, lol. i'm psyched to be posting for her, ive told her she should let me write a post but omg she never listens. today i finally got my chance! when some of her friends from her hometown showed up this afternoon, she grabbed this weird trophy she keeps on the coffee table and bailed through the fire escape. and her friends were all pissed. after they finished searching through her stuff they were all like "whens she getting back?" and im like "omg, i dunno, txt her". you guys, they didn't know how to txt. they didnt even have cell phones! ppl from kazara's hometown are so messed up, lol.

so before kazara left she shouted "dont stop the signal", which i think means she wanted me to update her blog while shes gone. you guys are so lucky, i know way more about the internet than her. omg she doesnt even have a facebook yet.

monday kazara posted about how im trying online dating for the first time. im way nervous, just cause ive never done it before. kazara says its really fun tho, so i guess ill try it. i mostly did what she said to do for my profile, I was totally honest and i made up some bad stuff about myself to look even more honest than i am. i did use a real photo of myself tho. kazara said i should just take one off google images, but i was like "omg no way". im not like vain or anything but i'm super hot, and i want guys online to know it.

but im having a really hard time finding guys that meet all my guidelines. ive found some guys with hot pics, but none of them have cool scars, and none of them mention whether or not they can ride a bike (i think its super cute when a guy cant ride a bike. then i get to watch him try and wobble around, lol so cute).

then i found this one guy who seemed to meet a lot of my guidelines, but his picture was really ugly. but then i thought "maybe he's using a fake picture too, like kazara told me to". so i sent him a message to find out. here, ill show you what i wrote:

"hey hot stuff (or so i hope),

I read your profile, and youve got a lot that im looking for in a boyfriend. u said u just gor your apendix out, so i bet youve got a rad scar (way hot). and you said u drive, so i hope that means u cant ride a bike (omg so cute). u mentioned that u have a short temper too, i hope that means youve killed someone in the past (has to be for good reason tho) i love a guy with a dark past, lol. im attaching a list of my other guidelines, let me know if you dont meet them.

my only problem is that ur picture is totally not hot. at first i was like "ew, no way", but then I thought maybe that picture isnt really u. my roommate tried to get me to use a picture she found on google images, but i was like "no way, i don't need to, im hot". she says sometimes people post fake stuff about themselves that makes them seem less hot, so they'll seem honest.

she kinda confused me, but i think i get it. its like, if you walk into a room and your like "you guys, i just got elected president" no one's gonna believe u, even if you are, cause its like, "hello, that's super hard to do". so even if youre being honest, u don't seem honest, which isn't sexy. so im thinking maybe you posted an ugly photo of yourself cause youre so hot that no one would believe how hot you really are.

message me back if im right, and youre actually super good looking. otherwise dont bother, lol."

i really hope hes actually a total babe. he said hes a banker, so hes probably super rich, and i could use some new shoes.

i hope kazara is ok. i think shell probably be back to post on monday. shes gonna love this post!

How to Suceed at Online Dating

ATTENTION HUMANS:

We have had an unnecessarily dramatic weekend here at my apartment. My human roommate ended relations with her Partner of Choice due to his decreasing attention to her, and increasing attention to the Internet game World of Warcraft. She knew it was a priority to him, but found she had to draw the line when he got them thrown out a movie theater for trying to play the game on his laptop during a film screening.

To keep her from moping around the apartment and eating all of my instant macaroni and cheese, I am using my vast knowledge of the Internet to help her find a new Partner of Choice using online dating websites. Here are some of the strategies I am using to find her the perfect mate.

INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE FIRST: Just like everything online, Internet dating provides you with a wealth of options. It is therefore important to know exactly what you are looking for. List all of the attributes you want in a potential mate. Don't be afraid to be too specific! There are trillions of singles online, so if you look long enough you are bound to find someone who matches every last one.

For example, here is the list I helped my roommate make:
-Must like dogs and cats.
-Must not like birds or rodents (even the cuddly ones).
-Must never look taller than me in photos, no matter what heels I wear.
-Must have swum in all five oceans (and have interesting stories about doing so!)
-Must not be able to ride a bicycle.
-Must have at least 3 scars, all with heroic tales of how they were received. Bonus points for unusual locations.
-Must be interested in marriage, and not be intimidated by the amount of wedding magazines I have stashed in my room (She has a lot. Once I tried to use some to make a paper mache monitor protector and it took three hours and a pint of ice cream to calm her down).
-Must never cry. Ever. Not at funerals, not at worldwide tragedies, wars, plagues, beheadings, or any other amputations. No exceptions.
-Must have once killed a man, though must have been honorably. Accidents are good, battles to the death even better.

She's just starting though, so I assume this list will get longer the more she sees just how many partners are available on the Internet.

INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE SECOND: Honesty is important. It is very easy to lie online, so when choosing a mate humans find it very attractive to find someone incredibly honest. You must therefore fill your profile page with exceedingly honest information. To demonstrate just how honest you are, list all of your negative qualities first. Let potential partners know that you have restless leg syndrome and think oral hygiene is overrated. Declare with joy that you have a drinking problem and are terrible in the bedroom department. Do not try to cover up bad past relationships. Give detailed accounts of how your ex left you because you were too needy and how you have never been able to love since. If you cannot think of enough negatives to use, feel free to make some up. If you are not creative enough, simply Google "things I hate in guys/girls" or better yet, "relationship deal breakers" to get some ideas.

INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE THIRD: The photograph you post on your profile is very important. Unlike dating in real life, on the Internet many potential matches will judge you entirely on appearance. Unfortunately, some people have a difficult time finding a photo that gives an accurate representation of who they really are. Maybe they do not own a camera, maybe they do not have access to good lighting equipment, maybe they have a hideous mole spanning their entire face. There are many perfectly legitimate reasons for not wanting to use a photo of yourself. Therefore, feel free to post a photograph of someone else. However, remember the importance of honesty. If you are going to use a photo of someone else be sure to let potential partners know that it is not you, and your reason for posting it.

Simply write underneath the photo something like, "the above is not me. Personally, I think I am more attractive than the person in this photograph, but my friends and relatives have advised me that I am not. Probably because of my constant sneer. However, this is a photograph of someone that I think is fairly attractive. If you also think this person is attractive, then that is already something we have in common! Do you also sneer constantly? Maybe we have that in common too! Message me today!"

If you follow these tips, I am certain that you will not fail to find true love in a timely manner.