Readers with high reading comprehension may have picked up on the fact that I am not as human as most bloggers. I will admit, this has caused me more than a little bit of concern. It is never a comfortable position to be the only non-human on the Internet.
Fortunately for me, it turns out I am not the only non-human on the Internet. We are everywhere! I have been investigating Internet website Facebook, and have found that many of the accounts there are for dogs, cats, even gorillas! At the Internet website Friendagorilla.org you can become online friends with a real Ugandan gorilla. However, doing so costs $1 per online gorilla friend. Gorillas, it seems, are all about the dollars. I wonder what they spend it on? Bananas can't be all that expensive in Uganda. Or maybe gorillas make such good friends that they can charge whatever they want. No matter what the price humans will still come to them, desperate for the sweet balm that only gorilla friendship can provide.
This is a huge boon for animal research! I have seen videos on Internet website Youtube of scientists attempting to communicate with animals via sign language, specially crafted machines, and other methods, with varying degrees of success. Scientists, you are wasting your time. They're all on facebook! If an animal you want to communicate with is not on facebook, do what my roommate does with her facebook reticent friends. She makes an account for them, then when they get e-mails from all the people who want to be friends with them, and all the party e-vites they get, they can't help but start using it for themselves!
Allow me to provide an example of how this can drastically impact animal husbandry. I understand that you have a particular kind of bear called a panda bear, that is extremely hard to mate in captivity. This can easily be fixed with facebook! Simply make two facebook accounts, one for the boy panda, one for the girl panda. Have all of your research staff send them friend requests. E-vite them to cool-sounding parties, be sure to make it clear there will be lots of bamboo! Maybe even buy them some gorilla friends, if you have the money. Then, have your staff make comments on the pandas' walls indicating how attractive the other panda is, and what a good match they will make. Make a facebook group entitled "People Who Think the Pandas Would Be Great Together." The pandas will not be able to resist! Within days you will see their relationship status go from "single" to "making hot panda love".
It does make me wonder how all of these animals are able to utilize the Internet so efficiently. I am fortunate that my tentacles are fairly good at typing, but paws seem like they would have a very difficult time managing a keyboard. I even found a facebook profile of someone's pet fish, and I am fairly certain that there is no way a fish could possibly type with any kind of accuracy. In addition, I have spent years studying the English language, and still have much to learn. As far as I am aware, dogs, cats and the rest do not speak English, and their lifespans do not provide them enough time to become properly fluent. The more I learn about the Internet, the more mysteries I find.
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