ATTENTION HUMANS:
Lately, I have been having difficulty with the space time continuum.
The problem is with Internet website Google. Usually I love Google. I use it for everything, recipes, directions, whether or not a movie is good. I use it to find out if my roommate has correct information, or if she is just making things up. It is usually the later. For example, Adam West is a real person, not just a fictional character on Family Guy.
However, the way Google presents news articles is completely unacceptable. When you Google a news item, articles come up that are old, sometimes very old. I don't always notice the year the article is dated. And I don't always remember year it is right now. This can cause a lot of confusion! Sometimes I read an article about a great sale going on, then when I show up at the store I find out they've been out of business for seven years. This happens more often than you might think, because the same article keeps coming up on searches for sales on novelty candle holders, and the local novelty candle holder store closed down seven years ago.
This also makes it difficult to understand recent history. I have been living in the United States since coming to Earth, and have been trying to catch up on its situation. But since I haven't been reading news articles in the correct order I had a completely inaccurate understanding of what has been going on! I thought the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico happened before Hurricane Katrina. In fact I thought it was the cause. I thought that's why everyone is so worried about saving energy, so we don't spill anymore and cause another hurricane. I have been recycling for nothing!
I wish that someone would go through news archives and label all of the old articles. They could put a big warning label up top, "ATTENTION READERS: This article is more than a year old, and thus is probably no longer relevant to your daily life. Continue reading at your own risk!" This would save me a great deal of trouble!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Getting Better By Copying
ATTENTION HUMANS:
I have just made a startling revelation! There are other good blogs on the Internet besides just mine! I was amazed at what strong competition I have! On my planet, when we are challenged we assimilate. When the Spectalons beat us at The Galactic Bingo challenge, we started putting 9 in the top left corner, just like they did. When Alpha 6 started winning more karaoke contests than we did, we started singing David Bowie songs like they did.
For me, blogging will be no different. I will study these blogs, find their strengths, and absorb like there is no tomorrow! So far, I have noticed one similarity in many popular blogs. They call things out! They find something that is silly or stupid, and they point out how silly or stupid that thing is!
Perez Hilton runs a pretty popular blog where he calls out celebrities for saying stupid things, having failed careers, and being promiscuous in a sexual manner! He emphasizes his call outs by taking photographs of them, and inserting captions of his own design. Take that, celebrities! Of course, now Perez Hilton is a bit of a celebrity himself. I hope he calls himself out! That would be a post that could break the time space continuum!
I wonder if I should work on this blog breaking the time space continuum so I could do it before him. That sure would be one-upping, like when we stole the Spectalons bingo cards! Although the referee considered it more cheating than one-upping, but I think that was just an error in translation. Spectalon is a very confusing language.
Another blog famous for calling things out is Regretsy. Its creator finds the most ridiculous products for sale on Internet website Etsy.com, where creative types can sell their arts and crafts. I don't know the difference between arts and crafts, but Regretsy calls out both with equal ferocity!
One popular feature on Regretsy is "Things That Are Not Steampunk," where they call out items that claim to be steampunk, but in reality, are not steampunk. I could do a feature like that on this blog. I could call it "Things That Are Not a Telephone." I could post photos of things that are not telephones, and call them out for it.
That is not a telephone! Not even close!
Not even cakes are safe from being called out by bloggers. Internet blog Cake Wrecks calls out cakes for being ugly, inedible-looking, or misspelled. I was amazed how many humans cannot spell Congratulations! I too could call out inanimate objects. That would be a lot easier than calling out actual people, because they would not seek revenge. Alpha 6 took all the air out of our tires after we won karaoke using Space Oddity.
Therefore, hey! Eiffel Tower! 1889 called! It wants its Victorian Structural Expressionist style back!
Zing!
I think this is the start of something wonderful.
I have just made a startling revelation! There are other good blogs on the Internet besides just mine! I was amazed at what strong competition I have! On my planet, when we are challenged we assimilate. When the Spectalons beat us at The Galactic Bingo challenge, we started putting 9 in the top left corner, just like they did. When Alpha 6 started winning more karaoke contests than we did, we started singing David Bowie songs like they did.
For me, blogging will be no different. I will study these blogs, find their strengths, and absorb like there is no tomorrow! So far, I have noticed one similarity in many popular blogs. They call things out! They find something that is silly or stupid, and they point out how silly or stupid that thing is!
Perez Hilton runs a pretty popular blog where he calls out celebrities for saying stupid things, having failed careers, and being promiscuous in a sexual manner! He emphasizes his call outs by taking photographs of them, and inserting captions of his own design. Take that, celebrities! Of course, now Perez Hilton is a bit of a celebrity himself. I hope he calls himself out! That would be a post that could break the time space continuum!
I wonder if I should work on this blog breaking the time space continuum so I could do it before him. That sure would be one-upping, like when we stole the Spectalons bingo cards! Although the referee considered it more cheating than one-upping, but I think that was just an error in translation. Spectalon is a very confusing language.
Another blog famous for calling things out is Regretsy. Its creator finds the most ridiculous products for sale on Internet website Etsy.com, where creative types can sell their arts and crafts. I don't know the difference between arts and crafts, but Regretsy calls out both with equal ferocity!
One popular feature on Regretsy is "Things That Are Not Steampunk," where they call out items that claim to be steampunk, but in reality, are not steampunk. I could do a feature like that on this blog. I could call it "Things That Are Not a Telephone." I could post photos of things that are not telephones, and call them out for it.
That is not a telephone! Not even close!
Not even cakes are safe from being called out by bloggers. Internet blog Cake Wrecks calls out cakes for being ugly, inedible-looking, or misspelled. I was amazed how many humans cannot spell Congratulations! I too could call out inanimate objects. That would be a lot easier than calling out actual people, because they would not seek revenge. Alpha 6 took all the air out of our tires after we won karaoke using Space Oddity.
Therefore, hey! Eiffel Tower! 1889 called! It wants its Victorian Structural Expressionist style back!
Zing!
I think this is the start of something wonderful.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Internet Website eBay: Destroying One Dream at a Time
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Like everyone else online, I have long known of the existence of Internet Website eBay, and even used it once or twice. But until now I had not realized just how much you can buy on eBay! Anything in existence, literally anything at all, can be purchased on this strange and wonderful website.
I recently discovered this due to an incident involving my roommate and her gentleman of choice. She is currently in a long-distance relationship with a rather undesirable young gentleman who often misses their Skype dates to play World of Warcraft. The pair recently had a fight, in which she told all of his internet friends that his World of Warcraft character, though female, was being played by a male. Apparently many of his internet friends had given him virtual items in World of Warcraft under the belief that they were giving them to a real life female human. This part of the story was surprising to me, because in the part of Earth that I reside I see female humans all the time. Perhaps in other locations they are more rare.
To make it up to him, my roommate wanted to buy him a present. So she went to eBay, and purchased items that he can use in this computer game using real, American money. This surprised me even more, because I have only ever bought items that actually exist. I have never bought a pretend loaf of bread, or a theoretical train ticket. But on e-bay, the make believe is completely accessible!
You can buy all sorts of strange things on eBay, from old tissues, to used ink cartridges, to outdated computers. I have never seen such items for sale in stores, and, in all honesty, can not even begin to understand why a human would want to purchase one. What use is a computer that cannot go as fast as a computer you can buy in a store? Humans are very strange!
E-bay is also a good way to verify if an item exists. Since eBay even carries made up items, if you cannot find something on eBay then it most certainly does not exist, even in anyone's mind! For example, when I search for "real live unicorns" (using quotes of course), I get no results. Therefore, unicorns do not exist. Sorry unicorn lovers, but your hunt for the unknown has just come to an abrupt end. However, when I search "fire-breathing dragons" I do get some results, so maybe you would have better luck there. I also find no results for "tasty meal that won't make me gain weight", so don't believe those fad diets that tell you it is possible! eBay sees through their lies!
Unfortunately, when I search for "boyfriend for my roommate that won't make her complain to me all the time", I do not get any results. I suppose this means I will just have to get used to waking up at three in the morning to the sound of her watching "Love Actually" and sobbing madly. Such is life. I was a little more disappointed that "...and maybe someone for me as well. No one smelly" did not receive any search results. It looks like my options in life are either loneliness or unpleasant odors.
eBay tells it like it is, regardless of your feelings.
Like everyone else online, I have long known of the existence of Internet Website eBay, and even used it once or twice. But until now I had not realized just how much you can buy on eBay! Anything in existence, literally anything at all, can be purchased on this strange and wonderful website.
I recently discovered this due to an incident involving my roommate and her gentleman of choice. She is currently in a long-distance relationship with a rather undesirable young gentleman who often misses their Skype dates to play World of Warcraft. The pair recently had a fight, in which she told all of his internet friends that his World of Warcraft character, though female, was being played by a male. Apparently many of his internet friends had given him virtual items in World of Warcraft under the belief that they were giving them to a real life female human. This part of the story was surprising to me, because in the part of Earth that I reside I see female humans all the time. Perhaps in other locations they are more rare.
To make it up to him, my roommate wanted to buy him a present. So she went to eBay, and purchased items that he can use in this computer game using real, American money. This surprised me even more, because I have only ever bought items that actually exist. I have never bought a pretend loaf of bread, or a theoretical train ticket. But on e-bay, the make believe is completely accessible!
You can buy all sorts of strange things on eBay, from old tissues, to used ink cartridges, to outdated computers. I have never seen such items for sale in stores, and, in all honesty, can not even begin to understand why a human would want to purchase one. What use is a computer that cannot go as fast as a computer you can buy in a store? Humans are very strange!
E-bay is also a good way to verify if an item exists. Since eBay even carries made up items, if you cannot find something on eBay then it most certainly does not exist, even in anyone's mind! For example, when I search for "real live unicorns" (using quotes of course), I get no results. Therefore, unicorns do not exist. Sorry unicorn lovers, but your hunt for the unknown has just come to an abrupt end. However, when I search "fire-breathing dragons" I do get some results, so maybe you would have better luck there. I also find no results for "tasty meal that won't make me gain weight", so don't believe those fad diets that tell you it is possible! eBay sees through their lies!
Unfortunately, when I search for "boyfriend for my roommate that won't make her complain to me all the time", I do not get any results. I suppose this means I will just have to get used to waking up at three in the morning to the sound of her watching "Love Actually" and sobbing madly. Such is life. I was a little more disappointed that "...and maybe someone for me as well. No one smelly" did not receive any search results. It looks like my options in life are either loneliness or unpleasant odors.
eBay tells it like it is, regardless of your feelings.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Standing Up for the Internet!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
This coming November many decisions will be made. Not only do humans have to decide when to start wearing their heavy winter coats, but for those living in the United States, they also must decide which politicians will run their government. This November many United Statesian senators, representatives and governors will have to convince other humans that they are neither corrupt, incompetent, or criminals. To help highlight their usefulness, politicians are drawing attention to their views on big issues. And one such big issue is the Internet.
Some politicians think that the Internet should be more regulated. Others think less. They are constantly poling the voting public to see what they think, but most politicians ignore a very important opinion. They pay little if any attention to what the Internet itself thinks of being more regulated. This is a huge mistake!
As we have seen before the Internet is not in a good place, emotionally speaking. Unfortunately, the Internet, much like trees, cannot speak for itself. Unlike trees, the Internet has no Lorax to speak for it. I have recently been reading a lot of Dr. Seux. The Lorax taught me a lot about Earth politics! I never knew political debate had such a tight rhyme scheme on Earth!
Though I am not poetic enough to formulate a proper Earth argument, I put forth the idea that the Internet ought to have someone to stand up for it in political issues. Someone who understands the Internet inside and out. Someone who will not be easily swayed by what is best for humans. Someone who runs a blog that helps humans everywhere better understand the Internet.
If it seems to you that the only person qualified for such a job would be me, then you have come to the same conclusion I have. I would be a perfect Internet representative! According to my research, many United Statesian humans are worried that their politicians are too entrenched in "the system", whatever that is. I am not entrenched in anything! I barely know anyone! I recently joined Netflix, but I promise never to be swayed by their promises of as many movies and television shows that I can watch. I also have a lot of free time to devote to the many political meetings I would be required to attend, which is actually why I signed up for Netflix in the first place. So if you were to elect me as Internet representative, I might not even need Netflix anymore!
So this November, I encourage you to vote for Kazara, for Internet representative extraordinaire! I won't be listed as an option, but feel free to write my name and title in at the bottom of your ballot. I understand that is how it works in the United States! And to readers from other countries, feel free to elect me as Internet representative extraordinaire in your country too! I have plenty of knowledge for everyone. I am sure it will not be a conflict of interest to hold the same title in multiple countries. I'm sure that if this was an issue, The Lorax would have mentioned it!
This coming November many decisions will be made. Not only do humans have to decide when to start wearing their heavy winter coats, but for those living in the United States, they also must decide which politicians will run their government. This November many United Statesian senators, representatives and governors will have to convince other humans that they are neither corrupt, incompetent, or criminals. To help highlight their usefulness, politicians are drawing attention to their views on big issues. And one such big issue is the Internet.
Some politicians think that the Internet should be more regulated. Others think less. They are constantly poling the voting public to see what they think, but most politicians ignore a very important opinion. They pay little if any attention to what the Internet itself thinks of being more regulated. This is a huge mistake!
As we have seen before the Internet is not in a good place, emotionally speaking. Unfortunately, the Internet, much like trees, cannot speak for itself. Unlike trees, the Internet has no Lorax to speak for it. I have recently been reading a lot of Dr. Seux. The Lorax taught me a lot about Earth politics! I never knew political debate had such a tight rhyme scheme on Earth!
Though I am not poetic enough to formulate a proper Earth argument, I put forth the idea that the Internet ought to have someone to stand up for it in political issues. Someone who understands the Internet inside and out. Someone who will not be easily swayed by what is best for humans. Someone who runs a blog that helps humans everywhere better understand the Internet.
If it seems to you that the only person qualified for such a job would be me, then you have come to the same conclusion I have. I would be a perfect Internet representative! According to my research, many United Statesian humans are worried that their politicians are too entrenched in "the system", whatever that is. I am not entrenched in anything! I barely know anyone! I recently joined Netflix, but I promise never to be swayed by their promises of as many movies and television shows that I can watch. I also have a lot of free time to devote to the many political meetings I would be required to attend, which is actually why I signed up for Netflix in the first place. So if you were to elect me as Internet representative, I might not even need Netflix anymore!
So this November, I encourage you to vote for Kazara, for Internet representative extraordinaire! I won't be listed as an option, but feel free to write my name and title in at the bottom of your ballot. I understand that is how it works in the United States! And to readers from other countries, feel free to elect me as Internet representative extraordinaire in your country too! I have plenty of knowledge for everyone. I am sure it will not be a conflict of interest to hold the same title in multiple countries. I'm sure that if this was an issue, The Lorax would have mentioned it!
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