Beware of Robot Friends!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Friendship would be a very difficult thing on Earth without the Internet. There would be no way to meet new people, no way to keep track of their current contact information, and no way to keep track of your friends current status. A human without access to the Internet will likely have few friends, and those it does have will mainly be cats.

Due to a misunderstanding on my home planet I cannot keep in touch with my old friends, so I am attempting to make new, human friends. And lucky for me, I am making progress! I have recently utilized the Internet to make some human friends, bloggers ToasterFaerie and Alexis of Roses. They even posted about my blog, making us very good friends!

As important as the Internet is for lasting friendships, you must still be careful. The Internet is polluted with computer programs that seem like real people, but are in fact only robots, or "bots", trying to steal your personal information or convince you to make unwise purchases. Scams are fine on vacation, but during the work week they are totally unacceptable! Thus, before you get too close to your online friends, make sure they are not robots.

This is more difficult than it sounds. Robots can be programmed to sound just like humans. They will use phrases like "What's up?" and "Check this out!", lulling you into a false sense of security. Do not be fooled by their congenial manners, they are only after your money. To help you tell the difference, I have compiled some simple procedures you can implement to be certain that you are not accidentally befriending a robot.

PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE FIRST: Google its name plus "scam", "scandal" and "robot". Perhaps one of its other victims has tried to warn the Internet of the robot's true identity.

PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE SECOND: Ask it very intimate questions, the kind only a sentient, emotionally-capable life form could properly answer. Ask for its deepest darkest secrets. Ask it to describe, in detail, its most embarrassing moment. If it is a human (or alien), it will be able to provide compelling answers. If it is a robot, it will likely respond with something like "My biggest secret is that I like movies," or "My most embarrassing moment was when I bought a calendar." These are typical robot answers.


PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE THIRD: Ask for its personal information, such as bank account number, social security number, and mother's maiden name. A robot will not have these. To make sure it is not giving you fake information, see if you can use what it gave you to get a credit card or loan. If your new Internet friend refuses to give you this information, then your friend is definitely a robot.

PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE FOURTH: Attempt to communicate with it in Robot and see if it answers. Use binary or programming codes. Or, if you are not fluent in any of the Robotic tongues, put concepts and phrases into your conversations that a robot might respond to. Mention being in need of an oil change, if your friend responds "Me too, my turbo boosters are starting to rust", then it is a robot.


If your friend is a robot you can still be friends with it. But you can never trust it again.