Greetings Earth!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Since coming to Earth, I have noticed that the Internet is a confusing and dangerous place. Humans having a much lower average IQ than my species, I decided that I will do mankind a favor and write a comprehensive guide to utilizing this strange substance in a safe and beneficial manner. I have had some success blogging for my own species, and am confident I can provide your planet with an excellent resource on the Internet.

To begin with, I shall go over some basic Internet questions.

BASIC INTERNET QUESTION THE FIRST: What is the Internet?

The Internet is a gelatinous substance found at the Earth's core that, when combined with a human-created device called a computer, provides access to a bounty of knowledge, games, shopping experiences, and pornography. Humans have some control over its content, but for the most part this substance has a life of its own.


The purposes of this gelatinous substance for providing such services is currently under investigation. The amount of false information and cyber bullying on the Internet leads one to believe that its purposes cannot be entirely altruistic. However, we can deduce that the Internet's purposes cannot be entirely malignant either, based on of my exhaustive research on lolcats (for reference, see this informational website). A malicious life form could not possibly have such appreciation for fluffy kitties. Trust me, I have visited several planets inhabited by highly vicious beings, and to date none of them have shown the slightest appreciation for an obese mammal's repeated demands for cheeseburgers.

BASIC INTERNET QUESTION THE SECOND: How can I stay safe on the internet?

It is a well-known fact that the internet cannot affect you if you cover the top of your head with a layer of aluminum foil. However, some humans have a large family, and cannot afford to cover everyone's head with the required amount. My human roommate has also refused this safe advise, because it causes defects in her hair. So if you have numerous progeny or hair that requires an excess of two and a half hours to style, do not despair!

Most internet dangers revolve around strangers acquiring information that you would rather they not have. Once in possession of this information, a rogue Interneter has the ability to drain your bank accounts, ransack your dwelling, and replace all music on your mp3 player with the soundtrack from the musical CATS. To avoid this, simply create an Internet persona that is the complete opposite of yourself. If you are a 28-year-old female nurse, announce to the internet that you are an 82-year-old male executioner. If you are passionate about the environment and volunteer at an animal shelter, be sure everyone on the internet thinks you are an oil company lobbyist and run over puppies with your oversized sport utility vehicle in your spare time.

BASIC INTERNET QUESTION THE THIRD: How can I use the Internet to become famous?

Many average Earth citizens have utilized the communicative power of the Internet to become celebrities. You will find it is not hard to do!

First you must purchase a video capturing device. Second, you must record yourself in front of said video device. For your convenience, I found some examples on the YouTube Internet website.

This girl filmed some friends and herself performing a dance routine.

This boy filmed himself telling some jokes in his living room. He lives in a very strange house.

This man filmed himself talking about United Statesian politics.

These people are huge celebrities, but no one had any idea who they were before they posted videos of themselves on YouTube!

I must admit, it does sometimes confuse me why more humans aren't rich and famous, when it is so easy to do! My roommate tells me that video capturing devices do not come cheap, which seems to be her excuse for not being rich and famous. But considering what a good payout they have, I cannot imagine why more people do not make the investment!

Common sense is therefore underrated on your planet. But fear not! You now have my blog to help your species fully utilize your underused Internet resources. Stick with me, and unimaginable happiness and prosperity will be yours in no time!