Another Celebrity Lied to Me!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Disappointment is a sad, sad thing.

I was watching my television set the other day, when I witnessed a commercial video featuring cycling legend and ABC World Wide of Sports Athlete of the Year for 1999, Lance Armstrong. He suggested I purchase a mobile telephonic device, and even promised me that I would be able to stream video from outer space (his exact words!) This seemed like an excellent idea. I recently spent a few days away from the Internet, and found myself missing it quite terribly. A mobile device that can allow me to access the Internet from anywhere would be great! Now when I'm grocery shopping and suddenly wonder who was the first left-handed person to bungee jump I won't have to wait to get home to look it up!

In addition, Mr. Armstrong's guarantee that I could stream video from space was very exciting. Since coming to Earth I have been unable to download some of my favorite television programs from home. This has been particularly unpleasant, because I had to leave right before the season finale of my favorite medical drama program. We were just about to find out if the heroine had been born with an extra kidney, or if she was just naturally grumpy!

Trusting in Mr. Armstrong's reputation I paid a considerable amount of human currency to purchase the mobile device he suggested. I was happy to find that I could, indeed, access the Internet anyway. However, I could not stream ANY video from space at all! I was only able to access human websites! No offense to human entertainment, but there are some elements to your humor that I do not care for. Humans have no appreciation for the humor of grapefruit. On my planet, every episode of a comedy program will have a grapefruit involved somehow. And in our dramas, if the situation starts getting too intense for some viewers, a character will simply hold out a grapefruit and then we know that everyone is going to be okay. I watch some of these human crime dramas, and the main characters get into some very life-threatening situations. But there is no grapefruit to let me know they are going to survive! I do not know whether or not to despair!

Longtime readers will remember that this is not the first time a celebrity has gotten my hopes up, only to dash them aside like so many pieces of broken dreams. When I first got an account on Internet website Twitter, I became friends with the Priceline Negotiator, only to discover that his twitter feed was all a ploy to advertise for his website. I had thought that Lance Armstrong, have undergone the tragedy of testicular cancer, would understand that value of truth. He may have won the Tour de France a record breaking seven consecutive times. But he will never win my trust.

I am not saying all cyclists are liars. Only that Lance Armstrong is.