The Key to Wealth is Friendship!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Most human economies are heavily affected by what you call the "stock market". I will admit, my specialty in human subjects is the Internet, not economics. Economics are very simple on my planet. Miners get paid one wage, bloggers get paid another. Politicians can pay themselves what they want, but if they get too greedy we throw them down the mine shaft. In my opinion, Earth's economy would be much stronger if it had more bottomless mine shafts.

Despite my disadvantages, I will do my best to guide you through the confusing world of online investing. Investing in the stock market is basically betting on whether or not a particular company's "stock" will do well or poorly. If you are correct, you win, and get lots of money. If you are wrong, you do not win, and you lose all of your money. It is not very different from the games at the arcade near my apartment, except that the stock market does not have a window where you can trade in your winnings for bubble gum and toys that break almost immediately.

But how can you tell which stocks will do well and which will fail? Some people hold on to the antiquated belief that a company's stock is affected by the company's performance, or how the market in general is doing. These are lies meant to fool the weak and the naive. Whether or not a stock does well or poorly depends entirely upon the whims of the gelatinous substance that is the Internet.

So what can you do to make sure your investments do well? From all appearances the Internet tries to make the stock market as random as possible. But, like all sentient beings, the Internet can certainly be influenced. If your friend is applying for a job, you will want them to get it. Likewise, if you are friends with the Internet, it will want your investments to grow. Large investment companies make money by building huge superfast computers. These computers make friends with the Internet, so that the internet will look more favorably upon the stocks the company buys.

If you cannot afford a huge superfast computer, do not despair! Your home computer can make a great friend for the Internet. You just have to give it the right incentive. Most people treat their computers like tools, which makes their computers unlikely to help them out by befriending the Internet. So make sure your computer feels appreciated. Clean it daily, and keep it in a comfortable spot, neither too hot nor too cold. Computers can be finicky like that. Take it out for ice cream or a movie sometimes. Tell it all your juiciest secrets. Invite it to parties.


Once your computer is friends with you, it will surely influence the Internet to make your stocks do well. You will then have tons of money, and can then buy more computers to influence the Internet even further. Make sure not to neglect any of them though, or they will start talking smack about you to the Internet. And if there is one thing we can say for sure about the Internet, it is that it loves gossip.

How to Suceed at Online Dating

ATTENTION HUMANS:

We have had an unnecessarily dramatic weekend here at my apartment. My human roommate ended relations with her Partner of Choice due to his decreasing attention to her, and increasing attention to the Internet game World of Warcraft. She knew it was a priority to him, but found she had to draw the line when he got them thrown out a movie theater for trying to play the game on his laptop during a film screening.

To keep her from moping around the apartment and eating all of my instant macaroni and cheese, I am using my vast knowledge of the Internet to help her find a new Partner of Choice using online dating websites. Here are some of the strategies I am using to find her the perfect mate.

INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE FIRST: Just like everything online, Internet dating provides you with a wealth of options. It is therefore important to know exactly what you are looking for. List all of the attributes you want in a potential mate. Don't be afraid to be too specific! There are trillions of singles online, so if you look long enough you are bound to find someone who matches every last one.

For example, here is the list I helped my roommate make:
-Must like dogs and cats.
-Must not like birds or rodents (even the cuddly ones).
-Must never look taller than me in photos, no matter what heels I wear.
-Must have swum in all five oceans (and have interesting stories about doing so!)
-Must not be able to ride a bicycle.
-Must have at least 3 scars, all with heroic tales of how they were received. Bonus points for unusual locations.
-Must be interested in marriage, and not be intimidated by the amount of wedding magazines I have stashed in my room (She has a lot. Once I tried to use some to make a paper mache monitor protector and it took three hours and a pint of ice cream to calm her down).
-Must never cry. Ever. Not at funerals, not at worldwide tragedies, wars, plagues, beheadings, or any other amputations. No exceptions.
-Must have once killed a man, though must have been honorably. Accidents are good, battles to the death even better.

She's just starting though, so I assume this list will get longer the more she sees just how many partners are available on the Internet.

INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE SECOND: Honesty is important. It is very easy to lie online, so when choosing a mate humans find it very attractive to find someone incredibly honest. You must therefore fill your profile page with exceedingly honest information. To demonstrate just how honest you are, list all of your negative qualities first. Let potential partners know that you have restless leg syndrome and think oral hygiene is overrated. Declare with joy that you have a drinking problem and are terrible in the bedroom department. Do not try to cover up bad past relationships. Give detailed accounts of how your ex left you because you were too needy and how you have never been able to love since. If you cannot think of enough negatives to use, feel free to make some up. If you are not creative enough, simply Google "things I hate in guys/girls" or better yet, "relationship deal breakers" to get some ideas.

INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE THIRD: The photograph you post on your profile is very important. Unlike dating in real life, on the Internet many potential matches will judge you entirely on appearance. Unfortunately, some people have a difficult time finding a photo that gives an accurate representation of who they really are. Maybe they do not own a camera, maybe they do not have access to good lighting equipment, maybe they have a hideous mole spanning their entire face. There are many perfectly legitimate reasons for not wanting to use a photo of yourself. Therefore, feel free to post a photograph of someone else. However, remember the importance of honesty. If you are going to use a photo of someone else be sure to let potential partners know that it is not you, and your reason for posting it.

Simply write underneath the photo something like, "the above is not me. Personally, I think I am more attractive than the person in this photograph, but my friends and relatives have advised me that I am not. Probably because of my constant sneer. However, this is a photograph of someone that I think is fairly attractive. If you also think this person is attractive, then that is already something we have in common! Do you also sneer constantly? Maybe we have that in common too! Message me today!"

If you follow these tips, I am certain that you will not fail to find true love in a timely manner.

Why Pay For Education When the Internet Has It For Free?

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Humans put a lot of value on education. Unlike some species, they cannot simply go to the store and buy knowledge implants to upgrade their brains (or other thinking organs). They have to actually take the time to learn things, and have thus created a multi-gazillion dollar industry intended to educate their species and give their graduates degrees confirming their knowledge. And when there is a multi-gazillion dollar industry, the Internet will always become involved!

Online education is all the rage, with both the young and old, male and female, living and dead. Taking courses and getting degrees using the Internet allows humans to get the training and certification they need for their personal and professional goals from the comfort of their own homes. Many colleges and universities have special programs designed specifically to be taken over the Internet. However, these cost money, usually the same price that it would cost to take the course at the actual school.

For a less expensive alternative, there are many other Internet websites that offer the same knowledge for free. Like colleges, many are have false information and do not have a good reputation. No one will be impressed if you tell them you studied at Internet website www.awesomehistoryfacts.com. It is much better if you can tell them you studied on Wikipedia! Everyone has heard of Wikipedia, so they will be very impressed. People are impressed by things they have heard of!

There is a wide variety of subjects you can study using Internet websites! If your passion is media and communications, why not attempt a major in Youtube studies? Or if you want to take advantage of the growing medical field, you could get a Masters of WebMD. No one will give you a diploma, but that is easily fixed using the computer program Adobe Photoshop. Simply use Google Images to find a picture of the kind of diploma you feel you deserve, then photoshop in your name, major, and Internet website of study. You can then hang it on the wall of your home and or office to impress both dinner guests and prospective clients.

Imagine how this could change your business practices!

POTENTIAL CLIENT: I would like to hire your catering company for my business venture, but I am concerned by your lack of culinary experience.

YOU: Please note, sir or madam, that the wall behind me contains a minimally enhanced diploma from Internet website foodnetwork.com.

POTENTIAL CLIENT: I see! That changes everything. Also I am going to hire you.

As you see, this could potentially be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Remember, it is best to limit yourself to a few diplomas. Not only will it make them more believable, but you do not want to make people feel jealous or intimidated by your wealth of knowledge.

The Internet Is Not Just For Humans!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Readers with high reading comprehension may have picked up on the fact that I am not as human as most bloggers. I will admit, this has caused me more than a little bit of concern. It is never a comfortable position to be the only non-human on the Internet.

Fortunately for me, it turns out I am not the only non-human on the Internet. We are everywhere! I have been investigating Internet website Facebook, and have found that many of the accounts there are for dogs, cats, even gorillas! At the Internet website Friendagorilla.org you can become online friends with a real Ugandan gorilla. However, doing so costs $1 per online gorilla friend. Gorillas, it seems, are all about the dollars. I wonder what they spend it on? Bananas can't be all that expensive in Uganda. Or maybe gorillas make such good friends that they can charge whatever they want. No matter what the price humans will still come to them, desperate for the sweet balm that only gorilla friendship can provide.

This is a huge boon for animal research! I have seen videos on Internet website Youtube of scientists attempting to communicate with animals via sign language, specially crafted machines, and other methods, with varying degrees of success. Scientists, you are wasting your time. They're all on facebook! If an animal you want to communicate with is not on facebook, do what my roommate does with her facebook reticent friends. She makes an account for them, then when they get e-mails from all the people who want to be friends with them, and all the party e-vites they get, they can't help but start using it for themselves!

Allow me to provide an example of how this can drastically impact animal husbandry. I understand that you have a particular kind of bear called a panda bear, that is extremely hard to mate in captivity. This can easily be fixed with facebook! Simply make two facebook accounts, one for the boy panda, one for the girl panda. Have all of your research staff send them friend requests. E-vite them to cool-sounding parties, be sure to make it clear there will be lots of bamboo! Maybe even buy them some gorilla friends, if you have the money. Then, have your staff make comments on the pandas' walls indicating how attractive the other panda is, and what a good match they will make. Make a facebook group entitled "People Who Think the Pandas Would Be Great Together." The pandas will not be able to resist! Within days you will see their relationship status go from "single" to "making hot panda love".


It does make me wonder how all of these animals are able to utilize the Internet so efficiently. I am fortunate that my tentacles are fairly good at typing, but paws seem like they would have a very difficult time managing a keyboard. I even found a facebook profile of someone's pet fish, and I am fairly certain that there is no way a fish could possibly type with any kind of accuracy. In addition, I have spent years studying the English language, and still have much to learn. As far as I am aware, dogs, cats and the rest do not speak English, and their lifespans do not provide them enough time to become properly fluent. The more I learn about the Internet, the more mysteries I find.

First Google, Then Everything You See!

ATTENTION HUMANS:


When you arose this morning, you probably thought it was just like any other day. You were wrong. Humans, today is the day this blog finally appears on Google searches. It is therefore highly unlikely that your life will ever be the same again.

When I first began this blog I was under the belief that everything can be Googled. However, when I tried to find my blog via that particular search engine I was quite surprised to find that such a feat was impossible! It seems Google takes time to add new websites to its massive directory. But now, at long last, if you type "Kazara's guide to the internet" into Google, it will come right up! Of course, you do have to include the quotes. Otherwise a multitude of other websites come first. But this is still progress!

I will not rest at this though! Hopefully soon quotes will not be necessary to make my blog appear on the first page of results! Then eventually, you can just type Kazara, and I will be first. Or just Internet! And then, when my blog has reached maximum exposure, any Google search at all will suggest my blog as the first result. It is inevitable, readers!

It makes me wonder, though. If this blog becomes even more and more exposed, will these results spill over to other websites? I know that many websites try to cater their content to what users are likely to find of interest. Perhaps, one day, if you search for a particular book on Internet website Amazon.com, the first result will be a suggestion for users to view my blog. Even completely unrelated books! Cookbook seekers will find themselves forced to consider whether they actually want recipes for meatloaf, or if their true desire is to read my tips on the Internet.

Or, say you have a mysterious fungus growing inside your ears, and attempt to search for it on Webmd.com. Perhaps, before suggesting you seek medical attention, it will advise you first consult my blog. However, I must admit, this may not be the most helpful suggestion. I do not plan on spending many posts discussing the diagnosis and treatment of ear fungi, or any other kind of fungi for that matter. So to future readers searching back through my old posts, if you have been directed here by Webmd.com I apologize, but this blog has minimal anti-fungal tips.

Maybe this system will eventually spread beyond the Internet! Perhaps at grocery stores, they will add my blog to their list of general questions! "Paper or plastic? Would you like to sign up for our discount card? Would you like to hear the latest from Kazara's Guide to the Internet?" This is a very common occurrence on my planet, and many other so-called "alien" worlds. Grocery shopping is a full day chore, mostly because of the standard questions grocery clerks are required to ask. One of the blogs I wrote back on my planet became quite popular, and before one televised athletic competition viewers were consulted as to whether they would like to view my latest entry before watching the match. None did, but it was still an honor!


On Earth, I understand that this is not usually the case. You have an advertising system that forces one to pay astronomical amounts of money in order to interrupt a televised sporting event. This seems very unfair to me. All sentient life forms ought to be able to disrupt your viewing habits with attempts to draw in your attention. Why should only the rich and powerful have the opportunity to annoy and frustrate?

When will humans learn the importance of equality?

Pirates Are Stealing My Internet!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

The Internet is a great source of entertainment! Almost anything you can see, hear, read, or experience can all be obtained directly onto your computer. However, this plethora of content threatened daily by the terrors of Internet Piracy.

I used to think that Internet Piracy was a myth, meant to scare children and the elderly. But now I know better. Just recently I tried to listen to a song by The Strokes on Internet website Youtube, only to find a message stating "This video contains content from Sony Music Entertainment, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds". I know what this really means. The Strokes hit song Reptilia has been stolen by Internet Pirates!

Well, at least on the Internet. I checked at my local CD store, and they still had a copy. And Amazon.com claims that CD's can be purchased from their Internet website. However, I have no yet confirmed this, and know better than to believe everything I read on the Internet. So for now, the song seems to be safe. But for how long? Will the day come soon when Internet Pirates will develop methods to steal our music and movies from our very homes? Will I come home one day to find my bookshelf empty, with a sign informing me that my books have been blocked on copyright grounds?

Something has to be done. In my experience on your planet and others, the solution is not to fight the problem, but to profit from it. I therefore intend to join the ranks of these nefarious Internet Pirates. I have performed extensive research on Google Images, and have determined that to become an Internet Pirate I need the following:

-A Cutlass

-Some variety of tropical pet. I am unsure as to how strict Internet Pirates are as to the specific type. Most pirates prefer parrots or monkeys, but I am not too fond of them. I, however, would much rather have a pet jellyfish. I find them to be absolutely adorable, and since we are genetically similar I think I would get along splendidly with a pet jellyfish.

-At least one missing appendage or vital organ. Typically eye, leg or hand. My species does not have a liver, I wonder if that would be an acceptable loss. I would rather not amputate one of my tentacles, and suspect that a peg tentacle would not work as well as a peg leg.

-A scurvy crew. This should be the easiest one. You can find humans willing to do anything on Internet website Craigslist. "Join a crew of illegal miscreants. Cutlass not provided" would possibly be one of the more normal ads listed.

-A seaworthy vessel also appears to be a necessity. I am not sure why, as travel through the Internet does not seem to require a vehicle. However, I will admit that I do not know much about how Internet Piracy works, and it is very possible that nautical crafts have some media sharing capabilities I have not considered. I was a little displeased, however, to find how expensive most boats on E-bay cost. I wonder if a bicycle would be sufficient. Then I could put a little basket and bell onto it as well, which I think would be very appropriate for a pirate.

Beware of Robot Friends!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Friendship would be a very difficult thing on Earth without the Internet. There would be no way to meet new people, no way to keep track of their current contact information, and no way to keep track of your friends current status. A human without access to the Internet will likely have few friends, and those it does have will mainly be cats.

Due to a misunderstanding on my home planet I cannot keep in touch with my old friends, so I am attempting to make new, human friends. And lucky for me, I am making progress! I have recently utilized the Internet to make some human friends, bloggers ToasterFaerie and Alexis of Roses. They even posted about my blog, making us very good friends!

As important as the Internet is for lasting friendships, you must still be careful. The Internet is polluted with computer programs that seem like real people, but are in fact only robots, or "bots", trying to steal your personal information or convince you to make unwise purchases. Scams are fine on vacation, but during the work week they are totally unacceptable! Thus, before you get too close to your online friends, make sure they are not robots.

This is more difficult than it sounds. Robots can be programmed to sound just like humans. They will use phrases like "What's up?" and "Check this out!", lulling you into a false sense of security. Do not be fooled by their congenial manners, they are only after your money. To help you tell the difference, I have compiled some simple procedures you can implement to be certain that you are not accidentally befriending a robot.

PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE FIRST: Google its name plus "scam", "scandal" and "robot". Perhaps one of its other victims has tried to warn the Internet of the robot's true identity.

PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE SECOND: Ask it very intimate questions, the kind only a sentient, emotionally-capable life form could properly answer. Ask for its deepest darkest secrets. Ask it to describe, in detail, its most embarrassing moment. If it is a human (or alien), it will be able to provide compelling answers. If it is a robot, it will likely respond with something like "My biggest secret is that I like movies," or "My most embarrassing moment was when I bought a calendar." These are typical robot answers.


PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE THIRD: Ask for its personal information, such as bank account number, social security number, and mother's maiden name. A robot will not have these. To make sure it is not giving you fake information, see if you can use what it gave you to get a credit card or loan. If your new Internet friend refuses to give you this information, then your friend is definitely a robot.

PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE FOURTH: Attempt to communicate with it in Robot and see if it answers. Use binary or programming codes. Or, if you are not fluent in any of the Robotic tongues, put concepts and phrases into your conversations that a robot might respond to. Mention being in need of an oil change, if your friend responds "Me too, my turbo boosters are starting to rust", then it is a robot.


If your friend is a robot you can still be friends with it. But you can never trust it again.

Authentic Cyber Vacation

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Many of your species are planning to take advantage of your planet's warmer season to go on vacations. For some, this will take them to the other side of the Earth, while for others, it will only be down the street. For me, it will be right here in front of my computer.

How, you ask? Using the Internet! The Internet has all I need to take an authentic-feeling trip to anywhere in the World! I'll start out by downloading some pictures of exotic locations and Googling foreign recipes to cook. Some humans might be satisfied with this, but I like to go a little further.

Traveling lets you experiences Earth's multitude of varied and interesting languages. I can replicate this by turning the language settings on my computer to a language I do not speak, providing myself with hours of entertainment! Even simple tasks like trying to open a new window can become excruciatingly difficult. I might even delete important information without meaning to. Oops! I also like to go to chat rooms and forums for native speakers of a different language and try to communicate with them. If they have difficulty understanding me, I type in all caps to make it easier for them.

But to get that feeling of a cheap motel in a dinghy area, nothing beats E-Bay. E-Bay is a wonderful website that can be used to purchase anything! Nuclear materials, organs, illegal drugs, priceless artifacts, anything! While on my cyber vacation, I use it to purchase used sheets and dirty water. With any luck I might catch some diseases from them! I have been trying to find sheets and water for sale with guaranteed diseases, but no such luck yet. If any readers know of a reputable website that can sell me diseased bedding, please let me know! I do not wish to experience once of your more deadly Earth diseases, just something that will provide me with a light skin rash or stomach infection for a few solar cycles.

Towards the end of my vacation, I like to get taken in by an Internet scam. Humans often encounter pick pockets, muggers, and con artists on their overseas excursions, and I don't want my cyber vacation to be any different. There are always so many to chose from, that I can take as many trips as I want without fear of having to resort to the same scam twice! Then when my vacation is over I can call my bank and credit card companies and explain that my cards were lost while traveling. It is so much fun! Last year, I gave my bank account number to a fraudulent gentleman claiming to be part of a Russian investment company. This year I'm hoping for something involving a fake charity, but I'm not ruling out Nigerian princes! You have to be willing to try new things while on vacation.

Disappointed By the Negotiator

ATTENTION HUMANS:

If you read my last post, then you will know that I have just signed up for an account on the Internet website Twitter. I understand it is typical to "follow" other Twitter Users, so I searched around for Twitter Users of Interest. While searching for humans whose lives I care about, I came across the Twitter account of "The Negotiator" of "Priceline Negotiator" fame.

How excited I was! I am a huge fan of his Commercial Videos. I believe they are connected to some sort of travel website. I have never visited the website, but I greatly enjoy that little man's zest for life and bargains! Sometimes he convinces vacationers not to settle for full price plane tickets! Sometimes he talks hotels into giving outrageous discounts! I cannot get enough!

So when I saw that he was a Twitter user like myself I hastily became a follower. I was eager to read details of his adventures in deal hunting. But that is not what I received! Instead, the Negotiator's Twitter Feed is almost entirely invitations to become his Facebook fan, with the promise of a potential $35 if he gets enough fans. Readers, I do not want $35. I want stories about a man whose heart is set on the lowest hotel rate possible!

Twitter gives me the option not to follow him any more. However, I refuse to give up on him. I will keep reading The Negotiator's Twitter, on the off chance that he finally realizes that what the world needs is to read about his quest for less expensive travel.

Never forget humans, dreams are important.

How To Use Twitter To Improve Home Security

ATTENTION HUMANS:

It will interest you all to know that from this day forward you can access my wealth of knowledge on the Internet website Twitter! You can view my Twitter Internet Account here.

Twitter is a wonderful resource. For those of you unfamiliar with it, or suffering from temporary memory loss, Twitter is an Internet website that allows users to view descriptions of random, often insignificant experiences in the lives of friends, family, celebrities, and complete strangers. I have spent many an afternoon memorizing the daily routines of humans I've never even met! It's fascinating!

Though entertaining, Twitter also poses a wealth of dangers. For example, say one weekend I hear some former colleagues of mine from my home planet are coming to visit, and I suddenly need to get out of town for a few days to avoid them. I might be tempted to post a Tweet something like this:

"Due to unforeseen circumstances I will not be residing at my usual dwelling for the next few solar cycles. For urgent matters, feel free to communicate via mobile cellular telephone device. That is all!"

This would be great for keeping my friends and well-wishers updated of my situation. But what about when I get home, to find all my worldly possessions stolen? Not a pleasant outcome!

So when using Twitter, be sure to make it impossible for potential burglars to know when your dwelling will be most vulnerable. Which is why, in the previous situation, I would post something like this:

"Looking forward to a nice night of watching my front door with a shotgun."

That is much less likely to result in home invasion! Who wants to rob a house currently being guarded by a resident watching the door with a shotgun? Moreover, who wants to antagonize the kind of person who would stay home one a Friday night watching the door with a shotgun? My home will be safe and sound!

But be careful not to write the same thing every time you go out of town, or burglars will start to catch on! Mix it up a little!

"Having my karate class over for dinner tonight. I asked them to bring extra nunchucks."

"Working up my tolerance to various poisonous gases this weekend. How toxic my apartment will be!"

"Just bought a vicious tiger. He's getting along great with my ferocious jaguar!"


No one would want to burgle a dwelling under any of those situations! Of course, it is possible for potential thieves to find out you are bluffing. To avoid this, you must make it a possibility that you are telling the truth. Purchase a shotgun, and spend some evenings watching the front door with it. Adopt a vicious tiger, or, failing that, a ferocious jaguar.

Stay safe readers! And I hope you enjoy my new Twitter feed!

Using the Internet to Find Employment!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

With any luck my previous entry has changed your life, and you are now rich and famous enough to pay someone to navigate the Internet for you.

If this is not the case, do not despair! I will continue to give you advice about the Internet.

From my research, it seems there is a significant lack of employment in this part of the World. On my planet employment is not a problem. We have many large mines that need all the hands they can get. For members of my species unfit to work in the mines, there are always ample opportunities for bloggers. It is a good system.

On your planet, however, it seems blogging does not automatically pay. I was surprised to find that when I posted my last entry a check did not immediately print out. It turns out your planet is even more different from mine than I had at first imagined!

But I will not despair, and neither should you if you are looking for work. Why? Because the Internet is the perfect tool to find employment! There are numerous Internet websites designed to help humans find jobs, such as Craigslist, Monster, and Careerfinder. You can just put random, career related words together and they will likely be the name of a website eager to find you a job! Jobhelp! Moneymake! I'll bet those exist! Alternatively, you can find the website of a company you would like to work for, then send them e-mail after e-mail until they realize you are the perfect employee for them! I recommend at least five a day, so they know that you are serious.

To see just how easy it is to find a job, I did a quick job search using several popular Internet websites, and came across this juicy opportunity.

Our company is seeking a qualified phlebotomist. Must be skilled in Venipuncture, High Volume Sticks, Pediatrics, Geriatrics. Salary based on experience.

Sounds like a great job! Before e-mailing the company, I did a quick search on Internet website "google", and found that a good job search strategy is to learn more about the position for which one is applying.

I therefore sent the company the following e-mail:

"ATTENTION HUMAN:

You should hire me to be your Phlebotomist. I am an expert in Phlebotomy and contain all of the qualities necessary to lead your business in successful world domination. Before explaining how I shall do this, I require definitions to the following terms:

Phlebotomist
Venipuncture
High Volume Sticks
Pediatrics
Geriatrics
Salary
Sub Prime Mortgage (this doesn't have to do with your position. I've been curious for a while and wondered if you could explain it to me)

That is all!

Yours Truly,
Kazara From the Internet"

I eagerly await their response!

Greetings Earth!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Since coming to Earth, I have noticed that the Internet is a confusing and dangerous place. Humans having a much lower average IQ than my species, I decided that I will do mankind a favor and write a comprehensive guide to utilizing this strange substance in a safe and beneficial manner. I have had some success blogging for my own species, and am confident I can provide your planet with an excellent resource on the Internet.

To begin with, I shall go over some basic Internet questions.

BASIC INTERNET QUESTION THE FIRST: What is the Internet?

The Internet is a gelatinous substance found at the Earth's core that, when combined with a human-created device called a computer, provides access to a bounty of knowledge, games, shopping experiences, and pornography. Humans have some control over its content, but for the most part this substance has a life of its own.


The purposes of this gelatinous substance for providing such services is currently under investigation. The amount of false information and cyber bullying on the Internet leads one to believe that its purposes cannot be entirely altruistic. However, we can deduce that the Internet's purposes cannot be entirely malignant either, based on of my exhaustive research on lolcats (for reference, see this informational website). A malicious life form could not possibly have such appreciation for fluffy kitties. Trust me, I have visited several planets inhabited by highly vicious beings, and to date none of them have shown the slightest appreciation for an obese mammal's repeated demands for cheeseburgers.

BASIC INTERNET QUESTION THE SECOND: How can I stay safe on the internet?

It is a well-known fact that the internet cannot affect you if you cover the top of your head with a layer of aluminum foil. However, some humans have a large family, and cannot afford to cover everyone's head with the required amount. My human roommate has also refused this safe advise, because it causes defects in her hair. So if you have numerous progeny or hair that requires an excess of two and a half hours to style, do not despair!

Most internet dangers revolve around strangers acquiring information that you would rather they not have. Once in possession of this information, a rogue Interneter has the ability to drain your bank accounts, ransack your dwelling, and replace all music on your mp3 player with the soundtrack from the musical CATS. To avoid this, simply create an Internet persona that is the complete opposite of yourself. If you are a 28-year-old female nurse, announce to the internet that you are an 82-year-old male executioner. If you are passionate about the environment and volunteer at an animal shelter, be sure everyone on the internet thinks you are an oil company lobbyist and run over puppies with your oversized sport utility vehicle in your spare time.

BASIC INTERNET QUESTION THE THIRD: How can I use the Internet to become famous?

Many average Earth citizens have utilized the communicative power of the Internet to become celebrities. You will find it is not hard to do!

First you must purchase a video capturing device. Second, you must record yourself in front of said video device. For your convenience, I found some examples on the YouTube Internet website.

This girl filmed some friends and herself performing a dance routine.

This boy filmed himself telling some jokes in his living room. He lives in a very strange house.

This man filmed himself talking about United Statesian politics.

These people are huge celebrities, but no one had any idea who they were before they posted videos of themselves on YouTube!

I must admit, it does sometimes confuse me why more humans aren't rich and famous, when it is so easy to do! My roommate tells me that video capturing devices do not come cheap, which seems to be her excuse for not being rich and famous. But considering what a good payout they have, I cannot imagine why more people do not make the investment!

Common sense is therefore underrated on your planet. But fear not! You now have my blog to help your species fully utilize your underused Internet resources. Stick with me, and unimaginable happiness and prosperity will be yours in no time!