Most human economies are heavily affected by what you call the "stock market". I will admit, my specialty in human subjects is the Internet, not economics. Economics are very simple on my planet. Miners get paid one wage, bloggers get paid another. Politicians can pay themselves what they want, but if they get too greedy we throw them down the mine shaft. In my opinion, Earth's economy would be much stronger if it had more bottomless mine shafts.
Despite my disadvantages, I will do my best to guide you through the confusing world of online investing. Investing in the stock market is basically betting on whether or not a particular company's "stock" will do well or poorly. If you are correct, you win, and get lots of money. If you are wrong, you do not win, and you lose all of your money. It is not very different from the games at the arcade near my apartment, except that the stock market does not have a window where you can trade in your winnings for bubble gum and toys that break almost immediately.
But how can you tell which stocks will do well and which will fail? Some people hold on to the antiquated belief that a company's stock is affected by the company's performance, or how the market in general is doing. These are lies meant to fool the weak and the naive. Whether or not a stock does well or poorly depends entirely upon the whims of the gelatinous substance that is the Internet.
So what can you do to make sure your investments do well? From all appearances the Internet tries to make the stock market as random as possible. But, like all sentient beings, the Internet can certainly be influenced. If your friend is applying for a job, you will want them to get it. Likewise, if you are friends with the Internet, it will want your investments to grow. Large investment companies make money by building huge superfast computers. These computers make friends with the Internet, so that the internet will look more favorably upon the stocks the company buys.
If you cannot afford a huge superfast computer, do not despair! Your home computer can make a great friend for the Internet. You just have to give it the right incentive. Most people treat their computers like tools, which makes their computers unlikely to help them out by befriending the Internet. So make sure your computer feels appreciated. Clean it daily, and keep it in a comfortable spot, neither too hot nor too cold. Computers can be finicky like that. Take it out for ice cream or a movie sometimes. Tell it all your juiciest secrets. Invite it to parties.
Once your computer is friends with you, it will surely influence the Internet to make your stocks do well. You will then have tons of money, and can then buy more computers to influence the Internet even further. Make sure not to neglect any of them though, or they will start talking smack about you to the Internet. And if there is one thing we can say for sure about the Internet, it is that it loves gossip.
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