ATTENTION HUMANS:
According to my human calendar, one of your major feast days is quickly approaching! I am of course, talking about Halloween, when humans don costumes and masks and demand sugary treats of their friends, neighbors, and total strangers. This will be my first Halloween, and I am very much looking forward to it! Holidays are very different on my planet. They are not on the same day every year, so part of the fun is figuring out which day it will happen. There's a rather complicated mathematical formula, and that changes every other year, so if you want to have a nice holiday you need to stay vigilante. Your Earth Holidays are much easier to observe!
Like everything else, the Internet can greatly increase your enjoyment of Halloween. Many people are becoming increasingly concerned about trick-or-treating-related dangers, such as finding razor blades in Snickers bars, or getting lost on an unfamiliar street. But using the Internet, you can go trick-or-treating without ever leaving your house!
Just like children go from house to house demanding treats, you can visit various retailers online to obtain coupons. Many retail stores and food brands have free printable coupons on their Internet websites. You can get great deals on products, then go to the store the next day to redeem them. That way it's like a two day holiday!
If you want a more adventurous Halloween, you can attempt to obtain treats from sources that do not advertise their availability. E-mail Internet website Amazon.com and ask for candy apples. E-mail Internet website Paypal.com and ask for candy corn. Paypal may not have any candy corn at their office, but you never know, especially at this time of year. And maybe they can offer you something even better. Like Reese's Pieces.
For an Internet appropriate costume, you have many options. You could purchase a costume from Internet websites like E-bay, or Iparty.com, or have one custom made on Internet website Etsy.com. You can then wear your costume while you sit at your computer e-trick-or-treating.
Or, if you want a costume that fellow Internet users can see without using a webcam you can use an alias. Find a picture on Google Images or Flickr of whatever you want to be for Halloween. Then join various forums and use that image as your avatar. You can also trick-or-treat from your fellow forums goers. You can also attach the image to your trick-or-treating e-mails with the caption "this is me!" This manner of costuming also does not limit you to costumes that can actually be created. You could use a photo of the Eiffel tower, or a helium particle. Halloween is no time to be limited by reality!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Even Your Dreams are Not Safe!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
I am always on the lookout for new scams to avoid. It helps keep my bank account safe, but it is also like a game. In many ways the Internet is a big game you can never quit, and scams just introduce new and exotic rules. Don't post your birth date anywhere! Never use your real name! It all adds to the fun!
But lately, I have been hearing about types of scams that are distinctly not fun. These are scams that do not go after victims' bank accounts, but their dreams. For instance, there are many fraudulent publishing companies that take advantage of aspiring writers' dreams of publication. I heard of another company that charges massive amounts of money to set victims up with websites they can run, and it claims they will become millionaires off of the advertising revenue. Instead of becoming millionaires, these poor aspiring rich people just wind up among the scores of under-appreciated website owners. Sure, these scammers do often wind up with their victims money, but their main concern appears to be destroying hopes and dreams.
On my planet we do not charge anything for dreams, anyone may have however many as they wish. But this does not seem to be the case on Earth, as so many scammers go after them with remarkable vigor! I hope my alien hopes are not even more valuable than Earth hopes. And I wonder if they go after the kind of dreams you have for the future, or the ones you have when you sleep as well. I would not mind if they took my bad dreams, or even the ones I can't remember, since so often those are more annoying than anything. But I have a good deal of dreams in my sleep that I like a great deal!
I am also worried about my hopes! Many of them are quite valuable to me! Lately I have been hoping to save up enough money to buy a blender and make delicious smoothies and shakes. I refuse to give that hope away! Unless it is for the price of a blender, in which case I will consider it, but only if the scammer promises to remind me to use the money to buy a blender. But seeing as the whole point of a scam is not to pay for the ill-gotten gains, I find this situation unlikely!
Many of these scams apparently existed before the Internet, but they have proliferated there extravagantly. This has me quite worried! Since I am on no official registries, these criminals cannot get to me by mail, and due to my appearance I am rarely approached on the street, but on the Internet my dreams and hopes are frighteningly vulnerable!
If anyone knows of any good ways of avoiding these hope-stealing monsters, please let me know. Also, if you hear of any good deals on blenders, I would be interested in those as well.
I am always on the lookout for new scams to avoid. It helps keep my bank account safe, but it is also like a game. In many ways the Internet is a big game you can never quit, and scams just introduce new and exotic rules. Don't post your birth date anywhere! Never use your real name! It all adds to the fun!
But lately, I have been hearing about types of scams that are distinctly not fun. These are scams that do not go after victims' bank accounts, but their dreams. For instance, there are many fraudulent publishing companies that take advantage of aspiring writers' dreams of publication. I heard of another company that charges massive amounts of money to set victims up with websites they can run, and it claims they will become millionaires off of the advertising revenue. Instead of becoming millionaires, these poor aspiring rich people just wind up among the scores of under-appreciated website owners. Sure, these scammers do often wind up with their victims money, but their main concern appears to be destroying hopes and dreams.
On my planet we do not charge anything for dreams, anyone may have however many as they wish. But this does not seem to be the case on Earth, as so many scammers go after them with remarkable vigor! I hope my alien hopes are not even more valuable than Earth hopes. And I wonder if they go after the kind of dreams you have for the future, or the ones you have when you sleep as well. I would not mind if they took my bad dreams, or even the ones I can't remember, since so often those are more annoying than anything. But I have a good deal of dreams in my sleep that I like a great deal!
I am also worried about my hopes! Many of them are quite valuable to me! Lately I have been hoping to save up enough money to buy a blender and make delicious smoothies and shakes. I refuse to give that hope away! Unless it is for the price of a blender, in which case I will consider it, but only if the scammer promises to remind me to use the money to buy a blender. But seeing as the whole point of a scam is not to pay for the ill-gotten gains, I find this situation unlikely!
Many of these scams apparently existed before the Internet, but they have proliferated there extravagantly. This has me quite worried! Since I am on no official registries, these criminals cannot get to me by mail, and due to my appearance I am rarely approached on the street, but on the Internet my dreams and hopes are frighteningly vulnerable!
If anyone knows of any good ways of avoiding these hope-stealing monsters, please let me know. Also, if you hear of any good deals on blenders, I would be interested in those as well.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Movies Are Not Always Factual
ATTENTION HUMANS:
If you are in possession of a television set, it is possible that you have seen commercials for the film "The Social Network." For those of you unlucky enough to possess such equipment, or own it but chose not to use it, "The Social Network" is about one of largest Internet websites, Facebook. It displays its creator as Mark Zuckerberg, a student of Harvard University with a dream in his heart and a tremendous amount of numbers in his brain. He uses this numerical knowledge to create a website where everyone can learn anything about anyone. Going about this is apparently very dramatic and scandalous, and makes Mark's best friend hate him.
What a string of lies! I have not seen this film, but from what I have seen on my television and read on Wikipedia, this movie has an extraordinary lack of truth! Perhaps Mark Zuckerberg went to Harvard. And maybe he lost his best friend. But he most certainly did not create Internet website Facebook!
That is simply not how websites are made. The Internet, as I have explained before, is a gelatinous substance in the Earth's core. This is where websites come from! They don't get made by nerdy Ivy League geniuses.
That's just silly.
I suppose it's a simpler explanation that a mysterious substance creating websites at random and for no apparent reason, but simple explanations are not always correct. It may also make humans feel more secure to think that websites are created by other humans, especially if they are made by well educated ones. Humans act on human-style motivations. Who knows what could motivate a gelatinous substance! Perhaps one day it will change everyone's Facebook status to "being a loser", or make every Google search turn up Wikipedia entries on 14th century politics.
Humans, I realize that you like to feel happy and safe. But you must understand that neither is the purpose of the Internet.
If you are in possession of a television set, it is possible that you have seen commercials for the film "The Social Network." For those of you unlucky enough to possess such equipment, or own it but chose not to use it, "The Social Network" is about one of largest Internet websites, Facebook. It displays its creator as Mark Zuckerberg, a student of Harvard University with a dream in his heart and a tremendous amount of numbers in his brain. He uses this numerical knowledge to create a website where everyone can learn anything about anyone. Going about this is apparently very dramatic and scandalous, and makes Mark's best friend hate him.
What a string of lies! I have not seen this film, but from what I have seen on my television and read on Wikipedia, this movie has an extraordinary lack of truth! Perhaps Mark Zuckerberg went to Harvard. And maybe he lost his best friend. But he most certainly did not create Internet website Facebook!
That is simply not how websites are made. The Internet, as I have explained before, is a gelatinous substance in the Earth's core. This is where websites come from! They don't get made by nerdy Ivy League geniuses.
That's just silly.
I suppose it's a simpler explanation that a mysterious substance creating websites at random and for no apparent reason, but simple explanations are not always correct. It may also make humans feel more secure to think that websites are created by other humans, especially if they are made by well educated ones. Humans act on human-style motivations. Who knows what could motivate a gelatinous substance! Perhaps one day it will change everyone's Facebook status to "being a loser", or make every Google search turn up Wikipedia entries on 14th century politics.
Humans, I realize that you like to feel happy and safe. But you must understand that neither is the purpose of the Internet.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Honesty Has No Place On Foursquare
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Last post you read about my attempts to seem more popular on Facebook in an attempt to impress my former colleagues. But I am not stopping there! I am now ALSO using Internet website Foursquare to appear even MORE impressive!
Foursquare is an Internet website that allows users to "check in" to locations, thus letting their friends and stalkers know exactly where they are. Users are intended to use this to meet up with friends, let everyone know where good spots are, or simply to brag about their mobile lifestyles. However, I intend to use Foursquare the way many people use the Internet; to appear more interesting than I actually am!
To accomplish this, I simply tell Foursquare that I am currently someplace where I am not! Foursquare knows I am lying, since their technologically advanced robots are always watching. Nevertheless, they will not keep me from lying, they will only refuse to award points for my fake check-ins. I do not mind such a penalty, points are not my goal!
I started this little scheme today, and already my Foursquare makes me seem like a fabulous jet-setter! My day started with an exotic breakfast at a 7-11 in beautiful Honolulu, Hawaii. I then checked in at a post office in Venice, Italy, where I discussed postage rates with a genuine Venetian postal worker. For Lunch I indulged in a two piece white chicken meal at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in London. I spent my afternoon touring a Walmart in Buenos Aires, and my night at a late night Taco Bell in Mumbai.
I am on my way to becoming so cool!!
My only fear is the Foursquare mayors. It seems that the most frequent visitor of a particular place is given the responsibility of being its mayor. I do not know how much power these mayors have, I only hope they do not have the power to put an end to my deceit!
Last post you read about my attempts to seem more popular on Facebook in an attempt to impress my former colleagues. But I am not stopping there! I am now ALSO using Internet website Foursquare to appear even MORE impressive!
Foursquare is an Internet website that allows users to "check in" to locations, thus letting their friends and stalkers know exactly where they are. Users are intended to use this to meet up with friends, let everyone know where good spots are, or simply to brag about their mobile lifestyles. However, I intend to use Foursquare the way many people use the Internet; to appear more interesting than I actually am!
To accomplish this, I simply tell Foursquare that I am currently someplace where I am not! Foursquare knows I am lying, since their technologically advanced robots are always watching. Nevertheless, they will not keep me from lying, they will only refuse to award points for my fake check-ins. I do not mind such a penalty, points are not my goal!
I started this little scheme today, and already my Foursquare makes me seem like a fabulous jet-setter! My day started with an exotic breakfast at a 7-11 in beautiful Honolulu, Hawaii. I then checked in at a post office in Venice, Italy, where I discussed postage rates with a genuine Venetian postal worker. For Lunch I indulged in a two piece white chicken meal at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in London. I spent my afternoon touring a Walmart in Buenos Aires, and my night at a late night Taco Bell in Mumbai.
I am on my way to becoming so cool!!
My only fear is the Foursquare mayors. It seems that the most frequent visitor of a particular place is given the responsibility of being its mayor. I do not know how much power these mayors have, I only hope they do not have the power to put an end to my deceit!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
How to Look Successful and Popular
If you read my last entry, then you know that I was debating accepting a friend request from an acquaintance from my home planet. I decided to go ahead and friend Ponzor, and was fortunately able to find controls in Facebook that allowed me to block what information he can see. I chose to block most of it, just to be safe. I do wish Facebook gave me the option of having just him see fake information. I could replace my real info with fake info, but then all of my existing Facebook friends would be mislead. It's an option, but not the best option. It would definitely make me feel more comfortable if he thought I lived in another state.
Another much more important problem is that he appears to have far more Facebook friends than I do. I find this distressing. I do not want to look like a loser! Especially if he is still talking to other members of our species! I burned a lot of bridges there, and many of them think I am a selfish liar, but I at least want them to think that I am a popular selfish liar!
Right now I have eight Facebook friends. My roommate, her boyfriend, two of my neighbors, a couple of people I met online, my banker and my baker (I see them quite often since opening an online bank account!) This is not enough! Now that I know I can control what info friends see I have gone on a quest to get as many Facebook friends as I can. And not just any Facebook friends. I don't want my home planet to think I am friends with just any humans. I want them to think I am friends with the most extraordinary humans available! I may even de-friend my roommate for this reason. She is not all that extraordinary, despite what she tells the mirror when she thinks I am not home.
Fortunately, the Internet does not limit me to mediocre friends! Many famous actors, singers, and dead politicians are actively seeking Facebook friends. Famous people are desperate for Internet friendships and will make friends with just about anyone. I looked at some of the pictures of other people that were friends with celebrities, and I can guarantee they are not very selective. I just hope no one from my home planet realizes that!
Another much more important problem is that he appears to have far more Facebook friends than I do. I find this distressing. I do not want to look like a loser! Especially if he is still talking to other members of our species! I burned a lot of bridges there, and many of them think I am a selfish liar, but I at least want them to think that I am a popular selfish liar!
Right now I have eight Facebook friends. My roommate, her boyfriend, two of my neighbors, a couple of people I met online, my banker and my baker (I see them quite often since opening an online bank account!) This is not enough! Now that I know I can control what info friends see I have gone on a quest to get as many Facebook friends as I can. And not just any Facebook friends. I don't want my home planet to think I am friends with just any humans. I want them to think I am friends with the most extraordinary humans available! I may even de-friend my roommate for this reason. She is not all that extraordinary, despite what she tells the mirror when she thinks I am not home.
Fortunately, the Internet does not limit me to mediocre friends! Many famous actors, singers, and dead politicians are actively seeking Facebook friends. Famous people are desperate for Internet friendships and will make friends with just about anyone. I looked at some of the pictures of other people that were friends with celebrities, and I can guarantee they are not very selective. I just hope no one from my home planet realizes that!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Facebook Has Failed Me!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
The Internet can be very frustrating at times.
As some of you may remember, I am not originally from Earth. A miscommunication on my planet caused me to relocate here a few months ago. Since then I haven't kept in touch with anyone from back home, fearing that it would be awkward and incriminating. So imagine my surprise and dismay when a former acquaintance sends me a Facebook friend request! I was quite shocked! Under location it says he is on Earth, in my same city in fact! I had no idea there were any of my species on Earth besides me.
Unfortunately, to see any more of his information I would have to confirm his friends request. But if I do that, then he can see all of my information! I am very reluctant to do that! I don't know if he has an ulterior motive to friending me. Is he trying to write a rival blog? Is he trying to steal my trophy for "Best Blogger of the Year"? He's dreaming if he thinks I'm giving that back!
Maybe if I friend him then immediately unfriend him I can find out what he's doing on Earth. But what if he's online during that slim window, and is able to look at my information? That would be terrible! Or what if Facebook malfunctions, and doesn't actually unfriend him? These are important questions!
Sometimes I am saddened by how little information Facebook allows me to find out about others. For example, I recently friended one of my neighbors. I have been extremely curious lately why her apartment smells like vanilla sometimes when I pass by. Is she baking? Is that just a scented candle or room fragrance? I have to know! Yet her Facebook reveals no hints! And when I google her name plus vanilla, nothing comes up! I wish Facebook had a feature where they would find out these important questions for me, and post them on her Facebook page.
Of course, I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me, so perhaps this desire is selfish. Still, I believe in technology, and I will never abandon the hope that it will make all of my wildest dreams come true, no matter how illogical.
The Internet can be very frustrating at times.
As some of you may remember, I am not originally from Earth. A miscommunication on my planet caused me to relocate here a few months ago. Since then I haven't kept in touch with anyone from back home, fearing that it would be awkward and incriminating. So imagine my surprise and dismay when a former acquaintance sends me a Facebook friend request! I was quite shocked! Under location it says he is on Earth, in my same city in fact! I had no idea there were any of my species on Earth besides me.
Unfortunately, to see any more of his information I would have to confirm his friends request. But if I do that, then he can see all of my information! I am very reluctant to do that! I don't know if he has an ulterior motive to friending me. Is he trying to write a rival blog? Is he trying to steal my trophy for "Best Blogger of the Year"? He's dreaming if he thinks I'm giving that back!
Maybe if I friend him then immediately unfriend him I can find out what he's doing on Earth. But what if he's online during that slim window, and is able to look at my information? That would be terrible! Or what if Facebook malfunctions, and doesn't actually unfriend him? These are important questions!
Sometimes I am saddened by how little information Facebook allows me to find out about others. For example, I recently friended one of my neighbors. I have been extremely curious lately why her apartment smells like vanilla sometimes when I pass by. Is she baking? Is that just a scented candle or room fragrance? I have to know! Yet her Facebook reveals no hints! And when I google her name plus vanilla, nothing comes up! I wish Facebook had a feature where they would find out these important questions for me, and post them on her Facebook page.
Of course, I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me, so perhaps this desire is selfish. Still, I believe in technology, and I will never abandon the hope that it will make all of my wildest dreams come true, no matter how illogical.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Online Banking Saves Time and Obtains Pastry!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
I love online banking! It is so fun and easy! It seems like all humans are now using the Internet to transport and store their dollars, but just in case any of my readers missed the boat, I will explain it to you!
Most banks now offer an online component in addition to their usual services. You can use their website to set it up, then manage your funds from the convenience of your living room. First, use the Internet to research which bank works best for you. Be sure to factor in which bank has a location closest to your apartment, just in case you need to go there in person. My bank is just one block away. So convenient! It's also right next to the doughnut shop, so on the extremely rare occasion that I should need to physically travel to the bank I can reward myself with a delicious pastry.
Once you have chosen your bank you will need to set up an account there. I think you can do this online, but the website confused me so I went down to the bank and did it in person. Then, once you're back home with a bag of Boston creams in hand, you are in a great position to go on your computer and set up your online account. If you find this is as complicated as I did, don't worry. If you go back to the bank they will be happy to explain it to you, and the doughnut shop will only be a little judgmental when you buy some bear claws to go with the Boston creams.
One of the most important aspects of an online bank account is security. Part of this is the bank's responsibility, but part of it is up to you. Be sure to chose passwords and security questions that are hard to guess. Industrious hackers have robots that can guess trillions of possible passwords a minute. I can only imagine that with their guessing capabilities, a game of robot charades must be very strange. I doubt I could keep up!
Many websites have tutorials on how to make difficult to guess passwords by using tricks such as using ordinary words, like replacing "a" with "@" or "o" with "0", or putting numbers in illogical places. I take security particularly seriously, so I went back to the bank to get them to help me pick a good password. I also got some input from the owner of the doughnut shop. I'm not an expert in human facial expressions, but I don't think she bought my excuse that my roommate came down with a strange strain of the flu that makes her need sugar to keep her fever down.
You can then use your computer to see what's going on with your bank account. This can help you to be sure not to take out more money than you have, and it can also help you keep scammers away from your money. If you see any suspicious activity, such as charges to shops you've never been to or withdrawals you did not make, you can call the bank and let them know you are being robbed.
Or, if you're not sure whether or not the charges are legitimate, you can go to the bank in person and discuss it with a bank teller. You should do this even if you have the vaguest suspicion that something strange might be going on. Safety first. And on your way home, you can stop by the doughnut shop again! Unfortunately, at this point the owner will likely tell you that you've had enough for one day. I will admit, this is a significant downside of online banking.
And there you have it! A simple, easy way to manage your bank account thanks to the Internet! It's so convenient to be able to monitor everything right on your home computer. In fact, it might be a little too convenient. I just set up online banking a couple of days ago and I've already gained three pounds from all the convenience!
I love online banking! It is so fun and easy! It seems like all humans are now using the Internet to transport and store their dollars, but just in case any of my readers missed the boat, I will explain it to you!
Most banks now offer an online component in addition to their usual services. You can use their website to set it up, then manage your funds from the convenience of your living room. First, use the Internet to research which bank works best for you. Be sure to factor in which bank has a location closest to your apartment, just in case you need to go there in person. My bank is just one block away. So convenient! It's also right next to the doughnut shop, so on the extremely rare occasion that I should need to physically travel to the bank I can reward myself with a delicious pastry.
Once you have chosen your bank you will need to set up an account there. I think you can do this online, but the website confused me so I went down to the bank and did it in person. Then, once you're back home with a bag of Boston creams in hand, you are in a great position to go on your computer and set up your online account. If you find this is as complicated as I did, don't worry. If you go back to the bank they will be happy to explain it to you, and the doughnut shop will only be a little judgmental when you buy some bear claws to go with the Boston creams.
One of the most important aspects of an online bank account is security. Part of this is the bank's responsibility, but part of it is up to you. Be sure to chose passwords and security questions that are hard to guess. Industrious hackers have robots that can guess trillions of possible passwords a minute. I can only imagine that with their guessing capabilities, a game of robot charades must be very strange. I doubt I could keep up!
Many websites have tutorials on how to make difficult to guess passwords by using tricks such as using ordinary words, like replacing "a" with "@" or "o" with "0", or putting numbers in illogical places. I take security particularly seriously, so I went back to the bank to get them to help me pick a good password. I also got some input from the owner of the doughnut shop. I'm not an expert in human facial expressions, but I don't think she bought my excuse that my roommate came down with a strange strain of the flu that makes her need sugar to keep her fever down.
You can then use your computer to see what's going on with your bank account. This can help you to be sure not to take out more money than you have, and it can also help you keep scammers away from your money. If you see any suspicious activity, such as charges to shops you've never been to or withdrawals you did not make, you can call the bank and let them know you are being robbed.
Or, if you're not sure whether or not the charges are legitimate, you can go to the bank in person and discuss it with a bank teller. You should do this even if you have the vaguest suspicion that something strange might be going on. Safety first. And on your way home, you can stop by the doughnut shop again! Unfortunately, at this point the owner will likely tell you that you've had enough for one day. I will admit, this is a significant downside of online banking.
And there you have it! A simple, easy way to manage your bank account thanks to the Internet! It's so convenient to be able to monitor everything right on your home computer. In fact, it might be a little too convenient. I just set up online banking a couple of days ago and I've already gained three pounds from all the convenience!
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