The Key to Wealth is Friendship!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Most human economies are heavily affected by what you call the "stock market". I will admit, my specialty in human subjects is the Internet, not economics. Economics are very simple on my planet. Miners get paid one wage, bloggers get paid another. Politicians can pay themselves what they want, but if they get too greedy we throw them down the mine shaft. In my opinion, Earth's economy would be much stronger if it had more bottomless mine shafts.

Despite my disadvantages, I will do my best to guide you through the confusing world of online investing. Investing in the stock market is basically betting on whether or not a particular company's "stock" will do well or poorly. If you are correct, you win, and get lots of money. If you are wrong, you do not win, and you lose all of your money. It is not very different from the games at the arcade near my apartment, except that the stock market does not have a window where you can trade in your winnings for bubble gum and toys that break almost immediately.

But how can you tell which stocks will do well and which will fail? Some people hold on to the antiquated belief that a company's stock is affected by the company's performance, or how the market in general is doing. These are lies meant to fool the weak and the naive. Whether or not a stock does well or poorly depends entirely upon the whims of the gelatinous substance that is the Internet.

So what can you do to make sure your investments do well? From all appearances the Internet tries to make the stock market as random as possible. But, like all sentient beings, the Internet can certainly be influenced. If your friend is applying for a job, you will want them to get it. Likewise, if you are friends with the Internet, it will want your investments to grow. Large investment companies make money by building huge superfast computers. These computers make friends with the Internet, so that the internet will look more favorably upon the stocks the company buys.

If you cannot afford a huge superfast computer, do not despair! Your home computer can make a great friend for the Internet. You just have to give it the right incentive. Most people treat their computers like tools, which makes their computers unlikely to help them out by befriending the Internet. So make sure your computer feels appreciated. Clean it daily, and keep it in a comfortable spot, neither too hot nor too cold. Computers can be finicky like that. Take it out for ice cream or a movie sometimes. Tell it all your juiciest secrets. Invite it to parties.


Once your computer is friends with you, it will surely influence the Internet to make your stocks do well. You will then have tons of money, and can then buy more computers to influence the Internet even further. Make sure not to neglect any of them though, or they will start talking smack about you to the Internet. And if there is one thing we can say for sure about the Internet, it is that it loves gossip.

How to Suceed at Online Dating

ATTENTION HUMANS:

We have had an unnecessarily dramatic weekend here at my apartment. My human roommate ended relations with her Partner of Choice due to his decreasing attention to her, and increasing attention to the Internet game World of Warcraft. She knew it was a priority to him, but found she had to draw the line when he got them thrown out a movie theater for trying to play the game on his laptop during a film screening.

To keep her from moping around the apartment and eating all of my instant macaroni and cheese, I am using my vast knowledge of the Internet to help her find a new Partner of Choice using online dating websites. Here are some of the strategies I am using to find her the perfect mate.

INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE FIRST: Just like everything online, Internet dating provides you with a wealth of options. It is therefore important to know exactly what you are looking for. List all of the attributes you want in a potential mate. Don't be afraid to be too specific! There are trillions of singles online, so if you look long enough you are bound to find someone who matches every last one.

For example, here is the list I helped my roommate make:
-Must like dogs and cats.
-Must not like birds or rodents (even the cuddly ones).
-Must never look taller than me in photos, no matter what heels I wear.
-Must have swum in all five oceans (and have interesting stories about doing so!)
-Must not be able to ride a bicycle.
-Must have at least 3 scars, all with heroic tales of how they were received. Bonus points for unusual locations.
-Must be interested in marriage, and not be intimidated by the amount of wedding magazines I have stashed in my room (She has a lot. Once I tried to use some to make a paper mache monitor protector and it took three hours and a pint of ice cream to calm her down).
-Must never cry. Ever. Not at funerals, not at worldwide tragedies, wars, plagues, beheadings, or any other amputations. No exceptions.
-Must have once killed a man, though must have been honorably. Accidents are good, battles to the death even better.

She's just starting though, so I assume this list will get longer the more she sees just how many partners are available on the Internet.

INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE SECOND: Honesty is important. It is very easy to lie online, so when choosing a mate humans find it very attractive to find someone incredibly honest. You must therefore fill your profile page with exceedingly honest information. To demonstrate just how honest you are, list all of your negative qualities first. Let potential partners know that you have restless leg syndrome and think oral hygiene is overrated. Declare with joy that you have a drinking problem and are terrible in the bedroom department. Do not try to cover up bad past relationships. Give detailed accounts of how your ex left you because you were too needy and how you have never been able to love since. If you cannot think of enough negatives to use, feel free to make some up. If you are not creative enough, simply Google "things I hate in guys/girls" or better yet, "relationship deal breakers" to get some ideas.

INTERNET DATING STRATEGY THE THIRD: The photograph you post on your profile is very important. Unlike dating in real life, on the Internet many potential matches will judge you entirely on appearance. Unfortunately, some people have a difficult time finding a photo that gives an accurate representation of who they really are. Maybe they do not own a camera, maybe they do not have access to good lighting equipment, maybe they have a hideous mole spanning their entire face. There are many perfectly legitimate reasons for not wanting to use a photo of yourself. Therefore, feel free to post a photograph of someone else. However, remember the importance of honesty. If you are going to use a photo of someone else be sure to let potential partners know that it is not you, and your reason for posting it.

Simply write underneath the photo something like, "the above is not me. Personally, I think I am more attractive than the person in this photograph, but my friends and relatives have advised me that I am not. Probably because of my constant sneer. However, this is a photograph of someone that I think is fairly attractive. If you also think this person is attractive, then that is already something we have in common! Do you also sneer constantly? Maybe we have that in common too! Message me today!"

If you follow these tips, I am certain that you will not fail to find true love in a timely manner.

Why Pay For Education When the Internet Has It For Free?

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Humans put a lot of value on education. Unlike some species, they cannot simply go to the store and buy knowledge implants to upgrade their brains (or other thinking organs). They have to actually take the time to learn things, and have thus created a multi-gazillion dollar industry intended to educate their species and give their graduates degrees confirming their knowledge. And when there is a multi-gazillion dollar industry, the Internet will always become involved!

Online education is all the rage, with both the young and old, male and female, living and dead. Taking courses and getting degrees using the Internet allows humans to get the training and certification they need for their personal and professional goals from the comfort of their own homes. Many colleges and universities have special programs designed specifically to be taken over the Internet. However, these cost money, usually the same price that it would cost to take the course at the actual school.

For a less expensive alternative, there are many other Internet websites that offer the same knowledge for free. Like colleges, many are have false information and do not have a good reputation. No one will be impressed if you tell them you studied at Internet website www.awesomehistoryfacts.com. It is much better if you can tell them you studied on Wikipedia! Everyone has heard of Wikipedia, so they will be very impressed. People are impressed by things they have heard of!

There is a wide variety of subjects you can study using Internet websites! If your passion is media and communications, why not attempt a major in Youtube studies? Or if you want to take advantage of the growing medical field, you could get a Masters of WebMD. No one will give you a diploma, but that is easily fixed using the computer program Adobe Photoshop. Simply use Google Images to find a picture of the kind of diploma you feel you deserve, then photoshop in your name, major, and Internet website of study. You can then hang it on the wall of your home and or office to impress both dinner guests and prospective clients.

Imagine how this could change your business practices!

POTENTIAL CLIENT: I would like to hire your catering company for my business venture, but I am concerned by your lack of culinary experience.

YOU: Please note, sir or madam, that the wall behind me contains a minimally enhanced diploma from Internet website foodnetwork.com.

POTENTIAL CLIENT: I see! That changes everything. Also I am going to hire you.

As you see, this could potentially be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Remember, it is best to limit yourself to a few diplomas. Not only will it make them more believable, but you do not want to make people feel jealous or intimidated by your wealth of knowledge.

The Internet Is Not Just For Humans!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Readers with high reading comprehension may have picked up on the fact that I am not as human as most bloggers. I will admit, this has caused me more than a little bit of concern. It is never a comfortable position to be the only non-human on the Internet.

Fortunately for me, it turns out I am not the only non-human on the Internet. We are everywhere! I have been investigating Internet website Facebook, and have found that many of the accounts there are for dogs, cats, even gorillas! At the Internet website Friendagorilla.org you can become online friends with a real Ugandan gorilla. However, doing so costs $1 per online gorilla friend. Gorillas, it seems, are all about the dollars. I wonder what they spend it on? Bananas can't be all that expensive in Uganda. Or maybe gorillas make such good friends that they can charge whatever they want. No matter what the price humans will still come to them, desperate for the sweet balm that only gorilla friendship can provide.

This is a huge boon for animal research! I have seen videos on Internet website Youtube of scientists attempting to communicate with animals via sign language, specially crafted machines, and other methods, with varying degrees of success. Scientists, you are wasting your time. They're all on facebook! If an animal you want to communicate with is not on facebook, do what my roommate does with her facebook reticent friends. She makes an account for them, then when they get e-mails from all the people who want to be friends with them, and all the party e-vites they get, they can't help but start using it for themselves!

Allow me to provide an example of how this can drastically impact animal husbandry. I understand that you have a particular kind of bear called a panda bear, that is extremely hard to mate in captivity. This can easily be fixed with facebook! Simply make two facebook accounts, one for the boy panda, one for the girl panda. Have all of your research staff send them friend requests. E-vite them to cool-sounding parties, be sure to make it clear there will be lots of bamboo! Maybe even buy them some gorilla friends, if you have the money. Then, have your staff make comments on the pandas' walls indicating how attractive the other panda is, and what a good match they will make. Make a facebook group entitled "People Who Think the Pandas Would Be Great Together." The pandas will not be able to resist! Within days you will see their relationship status go from "single" to "making hot panda love".


It does make me wonder how all of these animals are able to utilize the Internet so efficiently. I am fortunate that my tentacles are fairly good at typing, but paws seem like they would have a very difficult time managing a keyboard. I even found a facebook profile of someone's pet fish, and I am fairly certain that there is no way a fish could possibly type with any kind of accuracy. In addition, I have spent years studying the English language, and still have much to learn. As far as I am aware, dogs, cats and the rest do not speak English, and their lifespans do not provide them enough time to become properly fluent. The more I learn about the Internet, the more mysteries I find.

First Google, Then Everything You See!

ATTENTION HUMANS:


When you arose this morning, you probably thought it was just like any other day. You were wrong. Humans, today is the day this blog finally appears on Google searches. It is therefore highly unlikely that your life will ever be the same again.

When I first began this blog I was under the belief that everything can be Googled. However, when I tried to find my blog via that particular search engine I was quite surprised to find that such a feat was impossible! It seems Google takes time to add new websites to its massive directory. But now, at long last, if you type "Kazara's guide to the internet" into Google, it will come right up! Of course, you do have to include the quotes. Otherwise a multitude of other websites come first. But this is still progress!

I will not rest at this though! Hopefully soon quotes will not be necessary to make my blog appear on the first page of results! Then eventually, you can just type Kazara, and I will be first. Or just Internet! And then, when my blog has reached maximum exposure, any Google search at all will suggest my blog as the first result. It is inevitable, readers!

It makes me wonder, though. If this blog becomes even more and more exposed, will these results spill over to other websites? I know that many websites try to cater their content to what users are likely to find of interest. Perhaps, one day, if you search for a particular book on Internet website Amazon.com, the first result will be a suggestion for users to view my blog. Even completely unrelated books! Cookbook seekers will find themselves forced to consider whether they actually want recipes for meatloaf, or if their true desire is to read my tips on the Internet.

Or, say you have a mysterious fungus growing inside your ears, and attempt to search for it on Webmd.com. Perhaps, before suggesting you seek medical attention, it will advise you first consult my blog. However, I must admit, this may not be the most helpful suggestion. I do not plan on spending many posts discussing the diagnosis and treatment of ear fungi, or any other kind of fungi for that matter. So to future readers searching back through my old posts, if you have been directed here by Webmd.com I apologize, but this blog has minimal anti-fungal tips.

Maybe this system will eventually spread beyond the Internet! Perhaps at grocery stores, they will add my blog to their list of general questions! "Paper or plastic? Would you like to sign up for our discount card? Would you like to hear the latest from Kazara's Guide to the Internet?" This is a very common occurrence on my planet, and many other so-called "alien" worlds. Grocery shopping is a full day chore, mostly because of the standard questions grocery clerks are required to ask. One of the blogs I wrote back on my planet became quite popular, and before one televised athletic competition viewers were consulted as to whether they would like to view my latest entry before watching the match. None did, but it was still an honor!


On Earth, I understand that this is not usually the case. You have an advertising system that forces one to pay astronomical amounts of money in order to interrupt a televised sporting event. This seems very unfair to me. All sentient life forms ought to be able to disrupt your viewing habits with attempts to draw in your attention. Why should only the rich and powerful have the opportunity to annoy and frustrate?

When will humans learn the importance of equality?

Pirates Are Stealing My Internet!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

The Internet is a great source of entertainment! Almost anything you can see, hear, read, or experience can all be obtained directly onto your computer. However, this plethora of content threatened daily by the terrors of Internet Piracy.

I used to think that Internet Piracy was a myth, meant to scare children and the elderly. But now I know better. Just recently I tried to listen to a song by The Strokes on Internet website Youtube, only to find a message stating "This video contains content from Sony Music Entertainment, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds". I know what this really means. The Strokes hit song Reptilia has been stolen by Internet Pirates!

Well, at least on the Internet. I checked at my local CD store, and they still had a copy. And Amazon.com claims that CD's can be purchased from their Internet website. However, I have no yet confirmed this, and know better than to believe everything I read on the Internet. So for now, the song seems to be safe. But for how long? Will the day come soon when Internet Pirates will develop methods to steal our music and movies from our very homes? Will I come home one day to find my bookshelf empty, with a sign informing me that my books have been blocked on copyright grounds?

Something has to be done. In my experience on your planet and others, the solution is not to fight the problem, but to profit from it. I therefore intend to join the ranks of these nefarious Internet Pirates. I have performed extensive research on Google Images, and have determined that to become an Internet Pirate I need the following:

-A Cutlass

-Some variety of tropical pet. I am unsure as to how strict Internet Pirates are as to the specific type. Most pirates prefer parrots or monkeys, but I am not too fond of them. I, however, would much rather have a pet jellyfish. I find them to be absolutely adorable, and since we are genetically similar I think I would get along splendidly with a pet jellyfish.

-At least one missing appendage or vital organ. Typically eye, leg or hand. My species does not have a liver, I wonder if that would be an acceptable loss. I would rather not amputate one of my tentacles, and suspect that a peg tentacle would not work as well as a peg leg.

-A scurvy crew. This should be the easiest one. You can find humans willing to do anything on Internet website Craigslist. "Join a crew of illegal miscreants. Cutlass not provided" would possibly be one of the more normal ads listed.

-A seaworthy vessel also appears to be a necessity. I am not sure why, as travel through the Internet does not seem to require a vehicle. However, I will admit that I do not know much about how Internet Piracy works, and it is very possible that nautical crafts have some media sharing capabilities I have not considered. I was a little displeased, however, to find how expensive most boats on E-bay cost. I wonder if a bicycle would be sufficient. Then I could put a little basket and bell onto it as well, which I think would be very appropriate for a pirate.

Beware of Robot Friends!

ATTENTION HUMANS:

Friendship would be a very difficult thing on Earth without the Internet. There would be no way to meet new people, no way to keep track of their current contact information, and no way to keep track of your friends current status. A human without access to the Internet will likely have few friends, and those it does have will mainly be cats.

Due to a misunderstanding on my home planet I cannot keep in touch with my old friends, so I am attempting to make new, human friends. And lucky for me, I am making progress! I have recently utilized the Internet to make some human friends, bloggers ToasterFaerie and Alexis of Roses. They even posted about my blog, making us very good friends!

As important as the Internet is for lasting friendships, you must still be careful. The Internet is polluted with computer programs that seem like real people, but are in fact only robots, or "bots", trying to steal your personal information or convince you to make unwise purchases. Scams are fine on vacation, but during the work week they are totally unacceptable! Thus, before you get too close to your online friends, make sure they are not robots.

This is more difficult than it sounds. Robots can be programmed to sound just like humans. They will use phrases like "What's up?" and "Check this out!", lulling you into a false sense of security. Do not be fooled by their congenial manners, they are only after your money. To help you tell the difference, I have compiled some simple procedures you can implement to be certain that you are not accidentally befriending a robot.

PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE FIRST: Google its name plus "scam", "scandal" and "robot". Perhaps one of its other victims has tried to warn the Internet of the robot's true identity.

PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE SECOND: Ask it very intimate questions, the kind only a sentient, emotionally-capable life form could properly answer. Ask for its deepest darkest secrets. Ask it to describe, in detail, its most embarrassing moment. If it is a human (or alien), it will be able to provide compelling answers. If it is a robot, it will likely respond with something like "My biggest secret is that I like movies," or "My most embarrassing moment was when I bought a calendar." These are typical robot answers.


PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE THIRD: Ask for its personal information, such as bank account number, social security number, and mother's maiden name. A robot will not have these. To make sure it is not giving you fake information, see if you can use what it gave you to get a credit card or loan. If your new Internet friend refuses to give you this information, then your friend is definitely a robot.

PROCEDURE FOR ROBOT DETECTION THE FOURTH: Attempt to communicate with it in Robot and see if it answers. Use binary or programming codes. Or, if you are not fluent in any of the Robotic tongues, put concepts and phrases into your conversations that a robot might respond to. Mention being in need of an oil change, if your friend responds "Me too, my turbo boosters are starting to rust", then it is a robot.


If your friend is a robot you can still be friends with it. But you can never trust it again.