ATTENTION HUMANS:
According to my human calendar, one of your major feast days is quickly approaching! I am of course, talking about Halloween, when humans don costumes and masks and demand sugary treats of their friends, neighbors, and total strangers. This will be my first Halloween, and I am very much looking forward to it! Holidays are very different on my planet. They are not on the same day every year, so part of the fun is figuring out which day it will happen. There's a rather complicated mathematical formula, and that changes every other year, so if you want to have a nice holiday you need to stay vigilante. Your Earth Holidays are much easier to observe!
Like everything else, the Internet can greatly increase your enjoyment of Halloween. Many people are becoming increasingly concerned about trick-or-treating-related dangers, such as finding razor blades in Snickers bars, or getting lost on an unfamiliar street. But using the Internet, you can go trick-or-treating without ever leaving your house!
Just like children go from house to house demanding treats, you can visit various retailers online to obtain coupons. Many retail stores and food brands have free printable coupons on their Internet websites. You can get great deals on products, then go to the store the next day to redeem them. That way it's like a two day holiday!
If you want a more adventurous Halloween, you can attempt to obtain treats from sources that do not advertise their availability. E-mail Internet website Amazon.com and ask for candy apples. E-mail Internet website Paypal.com and ask for candy corn. Paypal may not have any candy corn at their office, but you never know, especially at this time of year. And maybe they can offer you something even better. Like Reese's Pieces.
For an Internet appropriate costume, you have many options. You could purchase a costume from Internet websites like E-bay, or Iparty.com, or have one custom made on Internet website Etsy.com. You can then wear your costume while you sit at your computer e-trick-or-treating.
Or, if you want a costume that fellow Internet users can see without using a webcam you can use an alias. Find a picture on Google Images or Flickr of whatever you want to be for Halloween. Then join various forums and use that image as your avatar. You can also trick-or-treat from your fellow forums goers. You can also attach the image to your trick-or-treating e-mails with the caption "this is me!" This manner of costuming also does not limit you to costumes that can actually be created. You could use a photo of the Eiffel tower, or a helium particle. Halloween is no time to be limited by reality!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Even Your Dreams are Not Safe!
ATTENTION HUMANS:
I am always on the lookout for new scams to avoid. It helps keep my bank account safe, but it is also like a game. In many ways the Internet is a big game you can never quit, and scams just introduce new and exotic rules. Don't post your birth date anywhere! Never use your real name! It all adds to the fun!
But lately, I have been hearing about types of scams that are distinctly not fun. These are scams that do not go after victims' bank accounts, but their dreams. For instance, there are many fraudulent publishing companies that take advantage of aspiring writers' dreams of publication. I heard of another company that charges massive amounts of money to set victims up with websites they can run, and it claims they will become millionaires off of the advertising revenue. Instead of becoming millionaires, these poor aspiring rich people just wind up among the scores of under-appreciated website owners. Sure, these scammers do often wind up with their victims money, but their main concern appears to be destroying hopes and dreams.
On my planet we do not charge anything for dreams, anyone may have however many as they wish. But this does not seem to be the case on Earth, as so many scammers go after them with remarkable vigor! I hope my alien hopes are not even more valuable than Earth hopes. And I wonder if they go after the kind of dreams you have for the future, or the ones you have when you sleep as well. I would not mind if they took my bad dreams, or even the ones I can't remember, since so often those are more annoying than anything. But I have a good deal of dreams in my sleep that I like a great deal!
I am also worried about my hopes! Many of them are quite valuable to me! Lately I have been hoping to save up enough money to buy a blender and make delicious smoothies and shakes. I refuse to give that hope away! Unless it is for the price of a blender, in which case I will consider it, but only if the scammer promises to remind me to use the money to buy a blender. But seeing as the whole point of a scam is not to pay for the ill-gotten gains, I find this situation unlikely!
Many of these scams apparently existed before the Internet, but they have proliferated there extravagantly. This has me quite worried! Since I am on no official registries, these criminals cannot get to me by mail, and due to my appearance I am rarely approached on the street, but on the Internet my dreams and hopes are frighteningly vulnerable!
If anyone knows of any good ways of avoiding these hope-stealing monsters, please let me know. Also, if you hear of any good deals on blenders, I would be interested in those as well.
I am always on the lookout for new scams to avoid. It helps keep my bank account safe, but it is also like a game. In many ways the Internet is a big game you can never quit, and scams just introduce new and exotic rules. Don't post your birth date anywhere! Never use your real name! It all adds to the fun!
But lately, I have been hearing about types of scams that are distinctly not fun. These are scams that do not go after victims' bank accounts, but their dreams. For instance, there are many fraudulent publishing companies that take advantage of aspiring writers' dreams of publication. I heard of another company that charges massive amounts of money to set victims up with websites they can run, and it claims they will become millionaires off of the advertising revenue. Instead of becoming millionaires, these poor aspiring rich people just wind up among the scores of under-appreciated website owners. Sure, these scammers do often wind up with their victims money, but their main concern appears to be destroying hopes and dreams.
On my planet we do not charge anything for dreams, anyone may have however many as they wish. But this does not seem to be the case on Earth, as so many scammers go after them with remarkable vigor! I hope my alien hopes are not even more valuable than Earth hopes. And I wonder if they go after the kind of dreams you have for the future, or the ones you have when you sleep as well. I would not mind if they took my bad dreams, or even the ones I can't remember, since so often those are more annoying than anything. But I have a good deal of dreams in my sleep that I like a great deal!
I am also worried about my hopes! Many of them are quite valuable to me! Lately I have been hoping to save up enough money to buy a blender and make delicious smoothies and shakes. I refuse to give that hope away! Unless it is for the price of a blender, in which case I will consider it, but only if the scammer promises to remind me to use the money to buy a blender. But seeing as the whole point of a scam is not to pay for the ill-gotten gains, I find this situation unlikely!
Many of these scams apparently existed before the Internet, but they have proliferated there extravagantly. This has me quite worried! Since I am on no official registries, these criminals cannot get to me by mail, and due to my appearance I am rarely approached on the street, but on the Internet my dreams and hopes are frighteningly vulnerable!
If anyone knows of any good ways of avoiding these hope-stealing monsters, please let me know. Also, if you hear of any good deals on blenders, I would be interested in those as well.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Movies Are Not Always Factual
ATTENTION HUMANS:
If you are in possession of a television set, it is possible that you have seen commercials for the film "The Social Network." For those of you unlucky enough to possess such equipment, or own it but chose not to use it, "The Social Network" is about one of largest Internet websites, Facebook. It displays its creator as Mark Zuckerberg, a student of Harvard University with a dream in his heart and a tremendous amount of numbers in his brain. He uses this numerical knowledge to create a website where everyone can learn anything about anyone. Going about this is apparently very dramatic and scandalous, and makes Mark's best friend hate him.
What a string of lies! I have not seen this film, but from what I have seen on my television and read on Wikipedia, this movie has an extraordinary lack of truth! Perhaps Mark Zuckerberg went to Harvard. And maybe he lost his best friend. But he most certainly did not create Internet website Facebook!
That is simply not how websites are made. The Internet, as I have explained before, is a gelatinous substance in the Earth's core. This is where websites come from! They don't get made by nerdy Ivy League geniuses.
That's just silly.
I suppose it's a simpler explanation that a mysterious substance creating websites at random and for no apparent reason, but simple explanations are not always correct. It may also make humans feel more secure to think that websites are created by other humans, especially if they are made by well educated ones. Humans act on human-style motivations. Who knows what could motivate a gelatinous substance! Perhaps one day it will change everyone's Facebook status to "being a loser", or make every Google search turn up Wikipedia entries on 14th century politics.
Humans, I realize that you like to feel happy and safe. But you must understand that neither is the purpose of the Internet.
If you are in possession of a television set, it is possible that you have seen commercials for the film "The Social Network." For those of you unlucky enough to possess such equipment, or own it but chose not to use it, "The Social Network" is about one of largest Internet websites, Facebook. It displays its creator as Mark Zuckerberg, a student of Harvard University with a dream in his heart and a tremendous amount of numbers in his brain. He uses this numerical knowledge to create a website where everyone can learn anything about anyone. Going about this is apparently very dramatic and scandalous, and makes Mark's best friend hate him.
What a string of lies! I have not seen this film, but from what I have seen on my television and read on Wikipedia, this movie has an extraordinary lack of truth! Perhaps Mark Zuckerberg went to Harvard. And maybe he lost his best friend. But he most certainly did not create Internet website Facebook!
That is simply not how websites are made. The Internet, as I have explained before, is a gelatinous substance in the Earth's core. This is where websites come from! They don't get made by nerdy Ivy League geniuses.
That's just silly.
I suppose it's a simpler explanation that a mysterious substance creating websites at random and for no apparent reason, but simple explanations are not always correct. It may also make humans feel more secure to think that websites are created by other humans, especially if they are made by well educated ones. Humans act on human-style motivations. Who knows what could motivate a gelatinous substance! Perhaps one day it will change everyone's Facebook status to "being a loser", or make every Google search turn up Wikipedia entries on 14th century politics.
Humans, I realize that you like to feel happy and safe. But you must understand that neither is the purpose of the Internet.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Honesty Has No Place On Foursquare
ATTENTION HUMANS:
Last post you read about my attempts to seem more popular on Facebook in an attempt to impress my former colleagues. But I am not stopping there! I am now ALSO using Internet website Foursquare to appear even MORE impressive!
Foursquare is an Internet website that allows users to "check in" to locations, thus letting their friends and stalkers know exactly where they are. Users are intended to use this to meet up with friends, let everyone know where good spots are, or simply to brag about their mobile lifestyles. However, I intend to use Foursquare the way many people use the Internet; to appear more interesting than I actually am!
To accomplish this, I simply tell Foursquare that I am currently someplace where I am not! Foursquare knows I am lying, since their technologically advanced robots are always watching. Nevertheless, they will not keep me from lying, they will only refuse to award points for my fake check-ins. I do not mind such a penalty, points are not my goal!
I started this little scheme today, and already my Foursquare makes me seem like a fabulous jet-setter! My day started with an exotic breakfast at a 7-11 in beautiful Honolulu, Hawaii. I then checked in at a post office in Venice, Italy, where I discussed postage rates with a genuine Venetian postal worker. For Lunch I indulged in a two piece white chicken meal at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in London. I spent my afternoon touring a Walmart in Buenos Aires, and my night at a late night Taco Bell in Mumbai.
I am on my way to becoming so cool!!
My only fear is the Foursquare mayors. It seems that the most frequent visitor of a particular place is given the responsibility of being its mayor. I do not know how much power these mayors have, I only hope they do not have the power to put an end to my deceit!
Last post you read about my attempts to seem more popular on Facebook in an attempt to impress my former colleagues. But I am not stopping there! I am now ALSO using Internet website Foursquare to appear even MORE impressive!
Foursquare is an Internet website that allows users to "check in" to locations, thus letting their friends and stalkers know exactly where they are. Users are intended to use this to meet up with friends, let everyone know where good spots are, or simply to brag about their mobile lifestyles. However, I intend to use Foursquare the way many people use the Internet; to appear more interesting than I actually am!
To accomplish this, I simply tell Foursquare that I am currently someplace where I am not! Foursquare knows I am lying, since their technologically advanced robots are always watching. Nevertheless, they will not keep me from lying, they will only refuse to award points for my fake check-ins. I do not mind such a penalty, points are not my goal!
I started this little scheme today, and already my Foursquare makes me seem like a fabulous jet-setter! My day started with an exotic breakfast at a 7-11 in beautiful Honolulu, Hawaii. I then checked in at a post office in Venice, Italy, where I discussed postage rates with a genuine Venetian postal worker. For Lunch I indulged in a two piece white chicken meal at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in London. I spent my afternoon touring a Walmart in Buenos Aires, and my night at a late night Taco Bell in Mumbai.
I am on my way to becoming so cool!!
My only fear is the Foursquare mayors. It seems that the most frequent visitor of a particular place is given the responsibility of being its mayor. I do not know how much power these mayors have, I only hope they do not have the power to put an end to my deceit!
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